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#Post#: 6158--------------------------------------------------
Advice/next encounter with niece.Semi-U/D #29
By: Amethyst Anne Date: June 20, 2018, 11:51 am
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I am not sure what to do about dealing with my niece. I would so
appreciate advice. The Kerfuffle occurred 2 months ago.
Background
Next month, as usual during the summer, I will be driving about
800 miles from my house in Kentucky to where I grew up in New
Jersey. I will be staying at my parents' house, as usual. It's
going to be an emotionally difficult trip this time. (Mom&Dad
both passed away last Fall within 5 weeks of each other.) I will
be helping my siblings go through things, in preparation of
getting the house ready to sell.
During previous summer visits, Mom&Dad and I would hang out, go
shopping, visit relatives, etc. One set of relatives is
Brother’sDD, her SO, and their son. Brother’s exwife lives with
them. They liked the visits, I guess. Me, maybe not so much.
There would be no back-and-forth conversation between us. I
would be talked at. <sigh> I was content to visit with them, and
could cross "visit Brother’sDD&family” off my
"5-Weeks-In-NJ-To-Do" list.
Recent Kerfuffle
Sister’sDD and her fiancé planned to get married 2 months
ago(BTW, it was a lovely wedding! :D ). She wanted to invite
only those people that she&Fiancé felt closest to. All the
members of my branch of the family(10 adults and 8 children)
were invited. Brother'sDD&family were not invited. My 2 nieces
had never hung out together.
Brother’sDD found out that she was not invited. I was in the
next room when she called her father. I could hear her verbally
blast my brother for not being able to get her invited. She was
incandescently angry at any family member who could possibly
have been invited.
As a result of her anger, she unfriended from Facebook 20 family
members of 25. The other 5? 4 live in Florida, and my mother who
passed away in early November 2017. (I just remembered that
Brother’sDD also unfriended the FB page I had set up for Mom&Dad
as a family get-together-and-talk private FB group)
The way she acted, my brother is lucky that he didn't get
unfriended too. She has not called or messaged anybody since
then. She left her FB as public(probably so that
us-unfriended-people could read her page). On Memorial Day, she
did thank my son/her cousin by name for his military service. It
was a message more about how well his service reflected on her,
than about him actually putting his life on the line. My
OldestDD replied that it was funny that he was thanked for his
service after he had been unfriended. Brother’sDD removed my
DD's message.
No further drama on Brother’sDD’s part.
Me? I set up my FB as "Friends only". Since she unfriended me,
Brother’sDD can't see what is on my timeline. Now, when I visit
my siblings for a week in Spring, Fall, and Christmas, she won't
read about my trips, and get all mad because I didn't take the
time to visit with her & her family. (I knew she was mad because
she would post sarcastic FB messages about not being visited
during my trips)
I guess I'm a little ticked off. And sad too.
<end background>
My main question is, "Should I visit, or not?"
What would you do?
#Post#: 6160--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Elisabunny Date: June 20, 2018, 11:59 am
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I wouldn't bother visiting.
#Post#: 6166--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: guest426 Date: June 20, 2018, 12:17 pm
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Do you want to visit her? If so, then do it. If not, then
don't.
There's no real etiquette question here, just a matter of your
personal preference.
As for the question of what would I do? I've blocked people on
Facebook for being less annoying than your Niece sounds.
#Post#: 6173--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: dani321 Date: June 20, 2018, 12:32 pm
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I agree with Elisabunny; you didn't enjoy your visits already,
Niece went ballistic at not being invited to a wedding of a
family member she's not close to, and unfriended most of the
family, including you, out of anger, plus in the past she's made
passive aggressive jabs on social media when you don't visit, so
all around I would probably want to avoid her. I don't want to
place too much importance on social media, but I kind of feel
that if someone decides to unfriend you on social media, they
are basically unfriending you in life as well. I know there are
exceptions to that, but by deleting you OP, and deleting herself
from the family group that you created, she seems to be saying
she doesn't want to be involved in each other's lives right now.
If you wanted to reach out to her and try to visit while you're
in the area, then I'd say it's very kind of you, but if you
don't want to, I think you are 100% clear!
#Post#: 6174--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Rose Red Date: June 20, 2018, 12:36 pm
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The lack of names is confusing me a bit of how everyone is
related. But the gist of it is behavior and I wouldn't visit
her. She sent a message by unfriending you (and all the others)
on FB. Respect her message and leave her alone ;)
Like you, I've lost people in my life and realize life is too
short to bend over backwards trying to please others when they
behave like this.
#Post#: 6175--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Chez Miriam Date: June 20, 2018, 12:40 pm
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This could be a valuable opportunity for your niece to learn
that actions have consequences: she unfriends you, you don't
visit. It sounds like she's made her animosity to most of her
family pretty plain. I'm sure on EH the counsel was that if
someone tells you to leave them alone, it's best to respect
their wishes? [I may be misremembering.]
In my mind, I would frame it as: she doesn't want me as a
friend, so I won't burden her with my presence.
If that coincided with my not wanting to visit with her? Bonus!
#Post#: 6176--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Sycorax Date: June 20, 2018, 12:40 pm
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Another vote for not visiting. I might change my answer if she
actually reached out to you, but that doesn't sound like
something she'd be interested in.
#Post#: 6177--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: Chez Miriam Date: June 20, 2018, 12:43 pm
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[quote author=Pandorica link=topic=404.msg6176#msg6176
date=1529516436]
Another vote for not visiting. I might change my answer if she
actually reached out to you, but that doesn't sound like
something she'd be interested in.
[/quote]
I think that would change things [although for me, I would want
some sort of apology too]. She's giving you the 'get out of
jail free' card - no one would fault you for using it!
#Post#: 6179--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: LurkingGurl Date: June 20, 2018, 12:45 pm
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Let me get this straight.
Your sister's DD got married and cut out everyone on your
brother's side of the family from attending, including brother's
DD.
On one hand, I guess I can understand her hurt at being cut out
from a family wedding. On the other hand, HUGE overreaction on
her part to burn FB bridges and salt the social media earth.
I agree that it's not an etiquette question whether or not to
visit them. I suppose you could look at it in two ways.
One, as a source of entertainment and raw material for posts
here!
Two, as a way of keeping connection because you think that there
might be something of value there. Maybe her son? Sometimes
sane people are raised by insane ones and later want to reach
out to those saner family members.
Three, life's too short for that kind of drama. If grand-nephew
reaches out someday, fine, but going to enjoy my travels without
the nonsense.
#Post#: 6183--------------------------------------------------
Re: Advice regarding next encounter with niece
By: TootsNYC Date: June 20, 2018, 1:11 pm
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I think your earlier "non-visits" were a form of respecting her
wishes.
So if you -do- decide to seek her out for a visit, or it ever
comes up, that's your line.
"I knew you were hurt, and that being in touch with everyone was
something you didn't want to do. I thought it best to respect
your wishes. But now, I was hoping that it has been long enough
that you and I could start over."
I might acknowledge that it was probably hurtful, instead of
trying to defend it. And maybe I'd say, "I'm not going to bother
defending your cousin the bride. And if I were in your shoes, I
certainly I wouldn't bother with trying to maintain a
relationship with her--I think that sort of thing goes both
ways, and it's perfectly appropriate for you to treat her like a
relative stranger. But everyone does have their own
relationship, and I'd like for ours to be just between us,
instead of being buffeted by things other people do."
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