DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 5413--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: Despedina
Date: June 13, 2018, 2:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Yes this is the one from the other board. Again I'm not going
into all the details but things happened and came to light and
DH just doesn't want to do it. He thinks there's going to be
drama no matter what and at least if he backs out now maybe BIL
will get over everything by the time the wedding comes along.
As far as the RSVP aspect - their date is set and the venue is
booked and paid for at a park community building from what we're
being told. In fact she told me they've booked everything and
paid for it already. She did mention the venue wants 5 weeks
notice (which is not what their website says) but that is way
more reasonable than 1year.
I've encouraged DH to think over the backing out.
#Post#: 5484--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: nuit93
Date: June 14, 2018, 12:04 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Honestly--when I got married I didn't ask anyone about any
blackout dates, I just said "this is when we're doing this". I
got some flak for it because it was in the middle of football
season, but seeing as how my sister didn't check with me before
setting her date (which forced me to change plans I'd already
made) I didn't really care.
If your DH doesn't think he can reasonably commit to the event
then it's better he say so sooner rather than later.
#Post#: 5524--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: June 14, 2018, 10:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Oops! I don't know where I got Best Man from. :-[
I think GardenGal or Hmmm's wording would be fine. Just because
they want a costume wedding, it doesn't mean that your husband
has to buy a costume. That probably does mean he won't be a
groomsman, but it sounds as though he doesn't want to be,
anyway.
The idea to offer to do a reading as "contribution" is a good
one, but may depend on whether the happy couple care more about
him wearing the costume than having any part in the ceremony.
I hope it all works out for your family, as I'm dimly
remembering the other thread. It's very hard to meet people's
expectations when they can't/won't tell you what those
expectations are. :-\
#Post#: 5535--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: Despedina
Date: June 14, 2018, 11:30 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks, Right now DH is just taking time to give it thought. The
events of the vacation irritated him but he just needs to take a
breather after it. It was a very good vacation and BIL and GF
left after only a couple of days so DH did not get a chance to
have any conversation alone with him after the first evening.
At that point DH asked BIL to go down to the grocery with him a
mile down the road and GF was furious and would not let him out
of her sights afterward. I'm very proud that everyone did not
react to some of the bad and odd behavior they showed so I don't
want anyone thinking that we're not giving her/them a chance.
#Post#: 5566--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: bopper
Date: June 14, 2018, 1:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I am just reading this one post but see lots of controlling
behavior: Whatever happened on vacation, wanting people to do
work for them on the wedding, wanting people to RSVP in
advance,wanting certain cosplay outfits.
I agree that your DH said "I am happy to be a groomsman and go
to the bachelor party, usher the wedding and dance at the
reception even wear the Steampunk outfit, but I am not willing
to be unpaid labor to the degree you want. If you cannot afford
the wedding you want, then you will need to scale it back. If
you have someone else that is willing to step up to BBQ for 200
and set up and clean up 20 tables, then I will step down with no
issues. "
#Post#: 5601--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 14, 2018, 6:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think he could say, "It's just going to be too much. I don't
have that much energy or time to put into all the things you
want from the people in the wedding party, so it's best if I
just don't be involved. I'll come to the wedding, of course."
And then get into a Toots Special, or cut-and-paste. "This is
really what's best for me." Over and over.
As for the RSVP thing, and the extra work, etc., I think that
"be Teflon" is your best course.
Let her want RSVPs; she's out of line, and she deserves any
negative reaction she gets. Either people will ignore her
request, or they'll form some sort of opinion about her, and
that's not your problem in any way. (though, thanks for bringing
us the topic to discuss!)
For the extra work: I'm not sure that bowing out of the wedding
party is going to change how much they want you to do; the groom
is a sibling, and his bride is going to try to rope DH in on
those grounds alone.
So: Anytime you or DH is asked/told to do something you don't
want to do, simply say, "I'm sorry, we aren't available." and
end the convo as quickly as possible. Make it your rule: You
will do all the things you would do for an ordinary person's
wedding, and nothing more.
I had to come up with that sort of rule for a mooching friend.
When she wanted money, or help or whatever, I asked myself,
"would my normal friends as this of me? Would I ask it of a
friend? And if so, would that friend (or I) do it?" So, no
loaning money, bcs that wouldn't happen with other friends. But
helping her move? Yes. It helped me a lot to have a "rule" that
I had to ask myself that question.
Sometimes it's easier to just have a "no helping at all" rule,
but in some situations, you might not want to be quite so
absolute (with a sibling, that might be such a situation).
For example, I would help a friend address wedding invitations,
or maybe I'd give up an afternoon to hang out and wrap favors,
if they were the kind of friend who would come early to help me
set up for a barbecue. I'd absolutely watch over the guest book
for a friend, in the early part of the wedding. Or direct
traffic in the parking lot, or hand out programs at the
ceremony. Drive someone around. But clean up after? Cook food
before? Nope.
So it might be a good idea to sit down and say, "What kinds of
things would we normally be asked by our friends to do? What
would we think is a reasonable way to help someone we love with
a big event in their life?"
And then ALSO have a rule that anything you're asked/told to do,
you do not give any kind of answer right away. Be Teflon. You
have to check the calendar, because you don't know what your
other obligations are.
That buys time to go through that "is this too much?"
calculus, and to steel yourself to say, "Sorry, we aren't
available."
#Post#: 5602--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 14, 2018, 6:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote ---
> I'm happy to help out in other ways.
--- End Quote ---
Given the backstory, I wouldn't say that, because setting up
tables for 200 and running the grill all night is one of those
"other ways," and it sounds like they'd probably actually scale
UP (bcs now DH is not in the wedding party, so he would have
time, right?).
#Post#: 5701--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: bopper
Date: June 15, 2018, 4:46 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
>
> For example, I would help a friend address wedding
invitations, or maybe I'd give up an afternoon to hang out and
wrap favors, if they were the kind of friend who would come
early to help me set up for a barbecue. I'd absolutely watch
over the guest book for a friend, in the early part of the
wedding. Or direct traffic in the parking lot, or hand out
programs at the ceremony. Drive someone around. But clean up
after? Cook food before? Nope.
>
>
>
--- End Quote ---
And would that friend ask you many months in advance to do this?
Or would it be a "Hey would you like to help me wrap favors this
weekend?" not "You will singlehandedly be in charge of
addressing 200 invitations and I expect you to learn
calligraphy"
#Post#: 5729--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: June 16, 2018, 12:43 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> I am just reading this one post but see lots of controlling
behavior: Whatever happened on vacation, wanting people to do
work for them on the wedding, wanting people to RSVP in
advance,wanting certain cosplay outfits.
>
>
--- End Quote ---
And not just controlling behaviour towards the guests and bridal
party, but also controlling behaviour towards her groom.
If the genders were reversed (ie a male fiance listening into
his bride's telephone calls, answering texts on her phone,
monitoring her emails, becoming furious when she goes for a walk
with her sister without him, etc), I think people would be
seeing a LOT of red flag, and dare I say, describing this
relation-ship as "abusive". My feeling is, just because this is
a woman controlling a man doesn't make it any less worrying.
I hope your husband told his brother that this is NOT normal,
healthy, and loving behaviour from a future spouse.
#Post#: 5739--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 16, 2018, 8:35 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> [quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=370.msg5601#msg5601
date=1529019358]
>
> For example, I would help a friend address wedding
invitations, or maybe I'd give up an afternoon to hang out and
wrap favors, if they were the kind of friend who would come
early to help me set up for a barbecue. I'd absolutely watch
over the guest book for a friend, in the early part of the
wedding. Or direct traffic in the parking lot, or hand out
programs at the ceremony. Drive someone around. But clean up
after? Cook food before? Nope.
>
>
>
--- End Quote ---
And would that friend ask you many months in advance to do this?
Or would it be a "Hey would you like to help me wrap favors this
weekend?" not "You will singlehandedly be in charge of
addressing 200 invitations and I expect you to learn
calligraphy"
[/quote]
well, -my- friends would say, "I have to address wedding
invitations this weekend or next, and it's going to be boring
and long. Can I get you to help me? I'll provide the wine, and
you can pick the music. Please?"
It would be all a piece with normal favor-asking/giving between
friends. It's always asking; time frame fits the task (bigger
tasks tend to have a longer time frame; smaller ones don't
necessarily).
Weddings aren't really special cases; they're just a slightly
larger, slightly "fizzier" or more formal version of your real
life.
So the friend who came to help me paint my new place? (or the
one who would if they lived closer) I'd tackle almost any task
for them, wedding or other. The friends, or even siblings, that
wouldn't really do that for me? That would be too much to ask.
*****************************************************
Page 2 of 3
DIR Previous Page
DIR Next Page