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#Post#: 5366--------------------------------------------------
2 family wedding questions
By: Despedina Date: June 13, 2018, 10:26 am
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My youngest BIL and his GF are getting married 10/2019. We
recently went on vacation with them and GF mentioned they want
people to RSVP a year ahead of time. I tried to explain that
that is way too early, but how early is too early? She says she
mainly wants answers from family but I don't know how any of
them would know a year in advance. She then asked about sending
a 'save the date" requiring a response.
2nd question is that my DH who is a groomsman has expressed that
he may want to back out of the wedding. Its a lot of different
issues that I don't want to go into but what is the best
time/way to do this if that's what he decides? I told him he
probably needs to decide a year ahead of time to give them time
to find a replacement.
#Post#: 5370--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: Hmmm Date: June 13, 2018, 11:01 am
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She can send Save the Dates but I wouldn't ask for RSVP's. I'd
ask her why she is trying to get commitments so early. Is it to
try and figure out how many people to expect so they can pick a
date or venue? If so, I'd go with a more informal discussion.
For example, when my nephew was planning his wedding, he and his
fiancé sent emails out to key family members with several dates
and asked if any one would have conflicts with those dates.
I personally don't think you should try and hold anyone to an
RSVP for an event that is more than 6 weeks out.
For you DH, I think he needs to speak with his brother
immediately and let him know that he does not believe he can be
a groomsman.
#Post#: 5389--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: TootsNYC Date: June 13, 2018, 12:32 pm
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for the saving of the date--this is actually reasonable, I
think. As long as she's talking immediate family and best
friends. Maybe, maybe, closest of cousins--the one that's like a
sister. The people whose absence would truly break her heart.
(I never plan my kids' b-day parties without being sure their
best friend can attend on that date. When I was planning my
wedding, I made sure to check that my parents and siblings
didn't have unmovable commitments on that weekend.)
But she needs to talk with them all, not just "officially
invite" or "officially S-t-D."
It's more of a negotiation.
"You're important to me, I want to be sure you can be at my
wedding. We're thinking Oct 13 next year--can you be there
then?"
Then each of those "inner circle" people needs to say, "I know
that's my company's toughest time, and I won't be able to get
time off to travel. But if it were a week later, I could."
She may end up with lots of conflicting availability, and then
she'll need to decide on a date, and accept that some people
won't be able to make it.
(she also should not sign any binding contracts until she's
had this conversation with her most important people.)
And if she's asked her brother, mother, grandfather, etc., and
they don't know of a clash in advance, then they need to put her
wedding on their calendar, and fend off all OTHER events.
If my sister were getting married, I'd move heaven and earth to
be able to be there.
Maybe my kid would have to stay behind and star in the school
musical without me--but I've have plenty of notice to figure out
how to make that work.
For those not in the inner circle, she sends save-the-dates and
keeps her fingers crossed that they'll continue to reserve that
date to attend.
She can do some informal, "do you know of any problem?" or
"is the distance going to be a problem for you?" inquiries with
the outer-circle folks, but that's kind of it until the
invitation actually goes out.
#Post#: 5390--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: TootsNYC Date: June 13, 2018, 12:42 pm
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as for the groomsman backing out:
This is your DH's brother, right? That's going to be pretty
fraught. So he needs to be sure that he's willing to deal with
the hurt feelings.
Because there is going to be a LOT of focus (from his brother,
his future SIL, and his own parents) on the "why," and it's
going to be pretty severely judged.
If it's money, that's generally not regarded as being anything
personal, so the fallout will be less. Though, with more than a
year to go, I would think lots of people would expect him to
save up, and then also to speak up about over-and-above
expenses. And so it might be hurtful to essentially say, "I
won't save up over the next year and a half to rent a tux so I
can stand up at your wedding." If there's expensive travel,
that'll be easier.
If it's that he's annoyed at his brother, or doesn't think the
marriage is a good idea--I would say that he needs to decide if
he wants this to leak out, and if so, there is going to be huge
fallout. If he doesn't want his negative opinion to leak out,
then there will still be fallout, because there won't seem to be
a "real" (read: acceptable) reason.
If it's that he thinks his brother is giving up friends he cares
about in order to make room for him in the wedding party, that's
a little less fraught, but it still might hurt his brother a
little. (I argued w/ my sister that she should have her
bestestest friend as her MoH instead of me, because we're 8
years apart, and they were really close; my sister was adamant,
because my role as her big sister was really important to her. I
did risk making her feel that I was rejecting her regard for me
a little. Fortunately, all was well, bcs I focused on wanting to
honor her friendship, and not on my feeling distant from her.)
But otherwise, I think you're right--they need time to plan. And
the earlier he does it, the more time they have to live with any
rejection they might feel, and the less fraught it will be.
That also buys him time to demonstrate his regard for them in
other ways.
I don't think a year is a hard deadline, but it's not a bad
guidelines. Really he should do it very, very soon after he
decides. And having that deadline might get him to stop
dithering and pick one. ;)
#Post#: 5395--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: Despedina Date: June 13, 2018, 1:01 pm
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Thanks for the tips on the RSVP. I didn't think of telling her
that she should just ask immediate family. When she said
"family" I was thinking she meant aunts, uncles, cousins etc and
mostly for our side of the family based on a follow up comment
she made about not inviting certain uncles on my DH's side.
DH is wanting to back out due to several reasons. One is the
amount of work he'll need to put into making their wedding a
reality (they are wanting groomsmen/bridesmaids to put a lot of
leg work in to save them $$). Another is that he thinks this is
a bad match. He feels his brother has very little to do with his
family now and his GF has displayed some very controlling
behavior on our family vacation. MIL who sees the good in
everyone does not really support the marriage either. Its a lot
of things really that I don't want to specify because I could go
on all day. I think the final straw was when GF said that they
felt obligated to put BIL's 2 brothers in the wedding. DH does
not want to feel like an obligation. He also thinks based on
some planning that's been going on either he needs to drop out
or there is going to be some sort of drama due to all the work
the wedding party is expected to put forth. I've tried to just
keep my mouth shut during the whole thing except for when they
were discussing RSVPs. I wish DH and his brother could have a
phone call to speak about it but GF puts her head against the
phone on any phone conversations (witnessed last week) and also
will answer his texts on his phone. They also have a joint
email. DH is trying to find a window of time and get him alone.
#Post#: 5399--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: Chez Miriam Date: June 13, 2018, 1:20 pm
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Could your husband reply that he would be honoured to be the
Best Man, but unfortunately he will not be able to commit
time/money more than finding/hiring a tux, so that he would
understand if his brother/future SIL would prefer to choose
someone able to be more involved?
I would be delighted if my brother were to get married, and over
the moon if he wanted me to play any part in the wedding
party...
If he basically wanted me to organise/pay for his wedding, my
feelings would become less of delight and more of feeling
used/like BankOfMiriam[sup]TM[/sup]. I might make a bunch of
wedding favours in my own time/out of my own money, but I really
wouldn't expect to be further out of pocket than that, other
than my own costs [dress/travel/accomodation/gift].
Would your husband be willing to donate time/effort/money
instead of you both buying a wedding present? It might may
him/you feel less resentful, if that is where this is taking
him/you. "We are willing to spend X amount of time/money as our
wedding gift to you, if that's what you would like." If he/you
don't want to go down that route, I agree that it's best to let
his brother know as soon as possible so that they can make other
arrangements.
#Post#: 5404--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: Despedina Date: June 13, 2018, 1:48 pm
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He is not the best man, he is just a groomsman. Also tuxes are
not involved, they are all being asked to wear cosplay
with bride approval which DH has gotten little direction on and
after looking into the costs its more than he wants to spend.
Its not about saving money but DH does not want to buy a
costume. Again its more than that. More of it is that he does
not think the marriage I a good idea and does not feel he can
stand up for it. So far we are planning to attend.
#Post#: 5406--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: NFPwife Date: June 13, 2018, 2:00 pm
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[quote author=Despedina link=topic=370.msg5404#msg5404
date=1528915680]
He is not the best man, he is just a groomsman. Also tuxes are
not involved, they are all being asked to wear cosplay
with bride approval which DH has gotten little direction on and
after looking into the costs its more than he wants to spend.
Its not about saving money but DH does not want to buy a
costume. Again its more than that. More of it is that he does
not think the marriage I a good idea and does not feel he can
stand up for it. So far we are planning to attend.
[/quote]
Wait... Is this the one we talked, possibly to death, about on
the former board? If your DH doesn't want to stand up for them
or cosplay, that's his choice. He's free to make the choice, but
he has to be willing to endure the consequences. I don't think
there's a "don't stand up for your brother and have everyone be
peachy about it" solution here. It's likely they'll be upset and
they may interpret it as your DH not being a good sport and
going with the cosplay theme. They'll have some sort of response
or judgement and there's no perfect way to get in front of it.
There are two ways to go with this - the first is just the
polite decline that doesn't outline that your DH doesn't support
the marriage: A simple, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to
be in the wedding after all," is the place to start. If they ask
for reasons/ rationale he'll want to have something prepared, "I
just can't manage the details," "I don't have the bandwidth for
this."
The second is honestly expressing his reservations- he should
sit down with this brother and say, "I'm sorry, I can't stand up
for this wedding for reasons a, b, c. I love you and only want
good things for you. I don't think this is it."
#Post#: 5408--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: GardenGal Date: June 13, 2018, 2:02 pm
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OP-- Didn't you previously post about the costume aspect of this
wedding? If she's planning a wedding a year out, that's a
loooong time for many people to make a firm commitment. If she
wants an RSVP now from family, I'm wondering why. I'm assuming
they have already cleared the date with the closest immediate
family. Does she need to figure out her budget & guest list for
non-family? Might the date change if too many family members
can't attend? Are they trying to get a special rate for a local
hotel that has a year lead time for booking? A save the date
card would be better than a formal invitation that requires an
RSVP, but I wouldn't send that to most people until 8-10 months
ahead of time at most. I usually get these save the date
notices about 6-8 months in advance of the wedding date, though
they could probably be sent to family a little earlier than
than.
[quote]DH is wanting to back out due to several reasons. One is
the amount of work he'll need to put into making their wedding a
reality (they are wanting groomsmen/bridesmaids to put a lot of
leg work in to save them $$)...snip... He also thinks based on
some planning that's been going on either he needs to drop out
or there is going to be some sort of drama due to all the work
the wedding party is expected to put forth. [/quote]
If your DH has decided not to be in the wedding party, he should
take his brother to lunch (if possible) and let him know ASAP.
I'd encourage him not to JADE, but that would probably be hard
being as they're brothers. Perhaps DH can cite work & nuclear
family obligations and say he cannot do all the work, although
he would love to participate if it was limited to the day of the
wedding only. I wouldn't mention that he thinks it's a bad
match, or that he doesn't appreciate the bride's comment about
him being invited as an obligation.
Good luck! Sounds like there is going to be a lot of drama no
matter what.
#Post#: 5411--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2 family wedding questions
By: Hmmm Date: June 13, 2018, 2:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=NFPwife link=topic=370.msg5406#msg5406
date=1528916439]
[quote author=Despedina link=topic=370.msg5404#msg5404
date=1528915680]
He is not the best man, he is just a groomsman. Also tuxes are
not involved, they are all being asked to wear cosplay
with bride approval which DH has gotten little direction on and
after looking into the costs its more than he wants to spend.
Its not about saving money but DH does not want to buy a
costume. Again its more than that. More of it is that he does
not think the marriage I a good idea and does not feel he can
stand up for it. So far we are planning to attend.
[/quote]
Wait... Is this the one we talked, possibly to death, about on
the former board? If your DH doesn't want to stand up for them
or cosplay, that's his choice. He's free to make the choice, but
he has to be willing to endure the consequences. I don't think
there's a "don't stand up for your brother and have everyone be
peachy about it" solution here. It's likely they'll be upset and
they may interpret it as your DH not being a good sport and
going with the cosplay theme. They'll have some sort of response
or judgement and there's no perfect way to get in front of it.
There are two ways to go with this - the first is just the
polite decline that doesn't outline that your DH doesn't support
the marriage: A simple, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to
be in the wedding after all," is the place to start. If they ask
for reasons/ rationale he'll want to have something prepared, "I
just can't manage the details," "I don't have the bandwidth for
this."
The second is honestly expressing his reservations- he should
sit down with this brother and say, "I'm sorry, I can't stand up
for this wedding for reasons a, b, c. I love you and only want
good things for you. I don't think this is it."
[/quote]
I don't necessarily agree that deciding to not stand up will
cause consequences. I was my sister's MOH and a year later she
chose to not be in my wedding even though her husband agreed to
be a groomsman. There was no hard feelings as I understood why
she made her decision.
I think it is perfectly fine for your DH to state "I've realized
that I am probably not the best person to be a groomsman for
you. I don't think I can commit the time needed to help make
your day successful and you deserve to have attendants fully
committed. I'm happy to help out in other ways." It might be
more tricky because other brothers are in the wedding but maybe
your DH offers to do a reading or something else as part of the
ceremony. Or he offers to coordinate the bachelor party.
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