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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 5067--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: bopper
Date: June 10, 2018, 10:06 pm
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I think Mary can't afford your outings and is passively
aggressively getting you to pay for them.
I would suggest you find cheaper outings. If Mary suggests the
outings, then you should say "Do you need to stop by the ATM"?
But if it is you then have a picnic in the park or go to $5
Tuesday movies.
I had a friend that didn't have a lot of money...if I suggested
dinner out she would ask "Do i need to stop by the ATM"? which
is her way of asking if I am treating or not. I thought that
was a good way.
#Post#: 5069--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: June 11, 2018, 12:05 am
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--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> I think Mary can't afford your outings and is passively
aggressively getting you to pay for them.
>
> I would suggest you find cheaper outings. If Mary suggests
the outings, then you should say "Do you need to stop by the
ATM"? But if it is you then have a picnic in the park or go to
$5 Tuesday movies.
>
> I had a friend that didn't have a lot of money...if I
suggested dinner out she would ask "Do i need to stop by the
ATM"? which is her way of asking if I am treating or not. I
thought that was a good way.
>
--- End Quote ---
Bopper, our outings are usually fairly inexpensive. Often only a
$4 coffee. Also, Mary initiates these outings about 50% of the
time. It's definitely not a case of me inviting her to dine at
Chez Fancypants every time!
#Post#: 5073--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Girlie
Date: June 11, 2018, 7:27 am
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I've got to be honest - I once ghosted a friend for doing
something similar. To be fair, she was a new friend, and it was
our first outing. We went to a cheap pizza buffet place where
the meal + drink is like, $6, and you aren't expected to tip.
Once we reached the restaurant, she suddenly realized she didn't
have enough money. Okay... This was college, and a lot of us
were broke from time to time. My then BF (now DH) and I bought
her meal.
Afterwards, we went to a nearby mall to go window shopping.
Someone who hadn't had $6 to buy her own meal an hour earlier
suddenly had $20+ to buy herself a dozen cookies from a local
place, plus a drink and pretzel.
I don't like being used. I never saw her again outside of casual
run-ins on campus.
I feel like I have to include this story because it does cause
me to have a bit of bad taste towards people who use their
friends, especially repeatedly. I am less inclined to be
generous in my observations about your friend, OP, because this
isn't a one-time occasion or event.
I agree with the above poster who wrote that you should make
sure to remind her next time that you're going out that she
needs to bring cash, and, I will add that, if she forgets, DO
NOT COVER HER. The best way to let someone know that you won't
be paying for them anymore is to quit paying for them. As for
the cashier looking at you expectantly - that's not your
problem. It's really none of your business what the cashier
thinks, at any rate.
#Post#: 5077--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: bopper
Date: June 11, 2018, 7:56 am
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--- Quote from: LifeOnPluto link ---
>
>
>
> Bopper, our outings are usually fairly inexpensive. Often only
a $4 coffee. Also, Mary initiates these outings about 50% of the
time. It's definitely not a case of me inviting her to dine at
Chez Fancypants every time!
>
--- End Quote ---
Another idea is to
1) Let her pick out the pennies to pay for her drink. Stand to
the side and look at your phone.
2) When you meet up with her, say that you need to stop by the
ATM. This will give her a chance to also. If for any reason she
then starts the fishing for pennies routine...once again let her
and if she asked to borrow money then you say "We went to an
ATM...why would you order something that you didn't have money
for?"
#Post#: 5083--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Bada
Date: June 11, 2018, 9:05 am
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If it's just a coffee shop, it's not like you both need to order
something to be allowed to sit there. Obviously she'd prefer to
have a beverage while you're chatting, but what if instead of
covering her you just said you didn't have enough to cover her
today so it looks like she won't be able to get a drink? I'm
sure it would be super, crazy awkward (both to say initially and
then to sit through), but it certainly would make the point. And
in theory you're there to hang out more than to enjoy the coffee
anyway, so in theory she shouldn't be too mad. (Not that I'd
mind upsetting a moochers too much. No way I'd have paid as much
as you have.)
#Post#: 5095--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 11, 2018, 11:34 am
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I’d just be direct with her about it. Any other way you run the
risk of doing some damage to the friendship.
“Hey Mary, I don’t mind covering sometimes but it’s become a
regular thing. Would it help if I reminded you to bring cash
each time?”
I know it’s uncomfortable but I think a friend deserves honesty
instead of trying to solve the problem through passive means.
On another note, I keep misreading the topic as “Praying for a
friend...”
#Post#: 5096--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: MinMom3
Date: June 11, 2018, 11:47 am
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I think when I'm annoyed to the point that I'm posting about it
here, it's gone far enough to tell the annoyance why I'm upset.
For me, it's a personal fish or cut bait time. I want to handle
it before I really blow my top; I want to stop being taken
advantage of; I want the rudeness (or whatever it IS that's
pushing my buttons) to stop; and I want to be treated better.
It takes a LOT to get me to that point. A whole lot. Once I'm
there though, there's no going back. And when I'm that ticked
off, I am very blunt, and if in person, I can talk amazingly
fast. 8)
One time after class (in my 50's) a woman I had been friendly
with, who I had done some favors for (nothing huge, but still
favors) was AMAZINGLY rude to me in a stairwell as we were all
walking into the parking garage after class. I was so upset by
it I nearly cried, and I was mortified that the other people
walking in our group would think that I thought that was an
acceptable way to speak to anybody... I stewed for several
days, and then wrote her an email detailing in chapter and verse
just what I thought of her behavior, and her words. I told her
that I hadn't been spoken to that way even in my teens, by crude
and immature boys, and that I certainly expected better out of a
grown woman. That I expected a good apology, or we were done;
there would be no more favors, no more mutual studying,
critiquing of work, there would be NO contact between us. I of
course, did not receive any kind of apology, and was the target
of a lot of mocking and stupidity. She sent me one of those
faux patriot, muck raking, racist spewing emails in an attempt
to rug sweep, but I wanted none of it, and ignored it, and
blocked her. (Wasn't on FB at that point, so not an issue)
I moved on. She showed herself to our entire greater group for
what she was, and any potential friends she had were gone in the
wind, because enough people spread what she had said to me that
most lost all respect for her. She was articulate, she was
funny, she was smart, but she was also a user and very crude,
and a faux patriot in a way that I and others could not stomach.
I'm not a Pearl Clutcher, but I do have Pearl Clutcher in my
background and family, and BOY, it came to the forefront at that
episode.
#Post#: 5106--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: June 11, 2018, 1:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: MinMom3 link ---
>
> I think when I'm annoyed to the point that I'm posting about
it here, it's gone far enough to tell the annoyance why I'm
upset. For me, it's a personal fish or cut bait time. I want
to handle it before I really blow my top; I want to stop being
taken advantage of; I want the rudeness (or whatever it IS
that's pushing my buttons) to stop; and I want to be treated
better. It takes a LOT to get me to that point. A whole lot.
Once I'm there though, there's no going back. And when I'm that
ticked off, I am very blunt, and if in person, I can talk
amazingly fast. 8)
>
> One time after class (in my 50's) a woman I had been friendly
with, who I had done some favors for (nothing huge, but still
favors) was AMAZINGLY rude to me in a stairwell as we were all
walking into the parking garage after class. I was so upset by
it I nearly cried, and I was mortified that the other people
walking in our group would think that I thought that was an
acceptable way to speak to anybody... I stewed for several
days, and then wrote her an email detailing in chapter and verse
just what I thought of her behavior, and her words. I told her
that I hadn't been spoken to that way even in my teens, by crude
and immature boys, and that I certainly expected better out of a
grown woman. That I expected a good apology, or we were done;
there would be no more favors, no more mutual studying,
critiquing of work, there would be NO contact between us. I of
course, did not receive any kind of apology, and was the target
of a lot of mocking and stupidity. She sent me one of those
faux patriot, muck raking, racist spewing emails in an attempt
to rug sweep, but I wanted none of it, and ignored it, and
blocked her. (Wasn't on FB at that point, so not an issue)
>
> I moved on. She showed herself to our entire greater group
for what she was, and any potential friends she had were gone in
the wind, because enough people spread what she had said to me
that most lost all respect for her. She was articulate, she was
funny, she was smart, but she was also a user and very crude,
and a faux patriot in a way that I and others could not stomach.
I'm not a Pearl Clutcher, but I do have Pearl Clutcher in my
background and family, and BOY, it came to the forefront at that
episode.
>
--- End Quote ---
I hate this sort of thing - who thinks “Well, I’ll be really
rude to this person who has been nothing but nice to me? She’ll
let me get away with it and we’ll still be friends and she’ll
still do stuff for me.” Then they’re so surprised and hurt when
they realized that the camel has dropped.
#Post#: 5115--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Victoria
Date: June 11, 2018, 2:54 pm
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I think it's very telling that she initiates the outings but you
always end up at the register first. To me both of those things
indicate that Mary's fully conscious of what she's doing, and
you've established a pattern of being willing to pay for her. If
you want to test that, put yourself in a position to pay after
her and see what happens or if she protests. You could also try
putting your order down and saying something like "That's okay,
where would you like to go instead?" If it's one of those places
where they make your order, you're holding it, and then you pay
(so there's really no putting it down) why can't you let Mary
order enough to get to the $10 mark so she can use her card?
I've been in that position and have just grabbed packs of gum or
an extra bagel until I have enough.
#Post#: 5116--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Lizzard
Date: June 11, 2018, 2:58 pm
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As MinMon3 said "She was articulate, she was funny, she was
smart". Almost all the people who can successfully act as
users, have these characteristics. Often they could be
described as attractive as well. It makes it easier for them
to find a new person/group they can take advantage of before the
new people catch on to them as well.
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