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#Post#: 4987--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Kiwipinball
Date: June 9, 2018, 10:32 pm
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Another thought would be to ask her to pay you back ASAP with
one of those money-sending apps. There's a bunch now and there
should be one that would work. Then it's not you treating her,
it's you floating her cash very short-term. I have no problem
covering my sister or parents with cash (and vice versa) because
we all know the other will pay back ASAP (usually through
transferring money on-line, lots easier).
#Post#: 4997--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: June 10, 2018, 12:43 am
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> I would text and remind her before you meet. If she’s just
forgetting then she’ll likely appreciate it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I have actually done this! Eg, I might text her around
lunchtime, and say "Hey, are we still good to meet for a drink
after work?" and she texts back "Yes". Didn't work on the last
occasion, unfortunately.
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote]I'm conscious of the fact that Mary and I are now being
rude to other people,
--- End Quote ---
A point of clarity here.
This compound subject is not correct. There is no "Mary and I"
here; you are individuals in your own individual transaction.
("Mary and I" would be if the two of you are conversing in the
middle of the sidewalk and blocking people, and your shared
activity is inconveniencing other people.)
And YOU are not being rude to anyone.
This is all Mary.
Please try to separate yourself. You are not responsible for
her. (This is part of the problem; you and she have fallen into
a pattern that has given you a permanent sense of responsibility
for her behavior, and that's simply not factual. Free yourself!)
[/quote]
Toots, thanks for your insightful post (which I've snipped for
brevity). You are right, technically Mary is the one being rude.
However, my concern is that others around us can tell we're part
of the same party / together / etc. And the fact that a couple
of cashiers have deliberately made non-verbal cues at me while
Mary is dithering (looking at me with raised eyebrows, etc, then
making a small head gesture in Mary's direction), makes me think
that I would be rude for not stepping up and helping to promptly
finalise the transaction.
Also, to answer your other question, Mary doesn't pay me back.
She just says that she'll buy our drinks (or whatever) next time
we catch up. But normally what happens next time is that we
either end up paying for our own drinks, or the same thing
happens again where Mary forgets to bring cash, so I end up
paying for her.
As someone whose salary is nearly double Mary's, it feels so
petty and cheap for me to say "Hey, you're getting our drinks
this time, remember?" But maybe I need to get over that mindset.
#Post#: 5002--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: lakey
Date: June 10, 2018, 1:20 am
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--- Quote ---
> Toots, thanks for your insightful post (which I've snipped for
brevity). You are right, technically Mary is the one being rude.
However, my concern is that others around us can tell we're part
of the same party / together / etc. And the fact that a couple
of cashiers have deliberately made non-verbal cues at me while
Mary is dithering (looking at me with raised eyebrows, etc, then
making a small head gesture in Mary's direction), makes me think
that I would be rude for not stepping up and helping to promptly
finalise the transaction.
>
> Also, to answer your other question, Mary doesn't pay me back.
She just says that she'll buy our drinks (or whatever) next time
we catch up. But normally what happens next time is that we
either end up paying for our own drinks, or the same thing
happens again where Mary forgets to bring cash, so I end up
paying for her.
>
> As someone whose salary is nearly double Mary's, it feels so
petty and cheap for me to say "Hey, you're getting our drinks
this time, remember?" But maybe I need to get over that mindset.
--- End Quote ---
I don't think your higher income should have anything to do with
this. Her finances are not your responsibility, and as others
have said, your subsidizing her makes for an unequal
relationship.
What you could do is go up to the cashier so that you pay first,
then walk a short distance away so that you aren't there when
she starts digging in her purse. My attitude about this is
probably colored by the fact that I once had a friend who would
do this. After it happened the first couple of times I was
prepared and told her that I didn't have extra money. Then she
would somehow come up with the money to pay. In my friend's case
I started realizing that she was manipulative and I stopped
hanging around with her. Your friend may not be manipulating
you, but she seems to have a lot of trouble learning from her
mistakes. And ordering something in a restaurant that you can't
pay for is a pretty big mistake.
#Post#: 5007--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: katiekat2009
Date: June 10, 2018, 7:42 am
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I think I would be a little more tactful, at first. Along with
the text querying if the date was still on, I would remind her
that this coffee shop only takes cash. Then, if she still shows
up without cash, you will know it is deliberate. If the
friendship is worth it, I wouldn't have any problem forking over
small amounts of cash just to have the joy of her company. I
think the suggestion above is good, also, to go first and then
leave to find a table while Mary handles her own transaction.
#Post#: 5012--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: June 10, 2018, 8:22 am
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--- Quote from: LifeOnPluto link ---
>
> [quote author=Hanna link=topic=352.msg4921#msg4921
date=1528551967]
> I would text and remind her before you meet. If she’s just
forgetting then she’ll likely appreciate it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I have actually done this! Eg, I might text her around
lunchtime, and say "Hey, are we still good to meet for a drink
after work?" and she texts back "Yes". Didn't work on the last
occasion, unfortunately.
[/quote]
But you didn't remind her to bring money to pay, right?
...snip
--- Quote ---
>
> Toots, thanks for your insightful post (which I've snipped for
brevity). You are right, technically Mary is the one being rude.
However, my concern is that others around us can tell we're part
of the same party / together / etc. And the fact that a couple
of cashiers have deliberately made non-verbal cues at me while
Mary is dithering (looking at me with raised eyebrows, etc, then
making a small head gesture in Mary's direction), makes me think
that I would be rude for not stepping up and helping to promptly
finalise the transaction.
>
> Also, to answer your other question, Mary doesn't pay me back.
She just says that she'll buy our drinks (or whatever) next time
we catch up. But normally what happens next time is that we
either end up paying for our own drinks, or the same thing
happens again where Mary forgets to bring cash, so I end up
paying for her.
>
> As someone whose salary is nearly double Mary's, it feels so
petty and cheap for me to say "Hey, you're getting our drinks
this time, remember?" But maybe I need to get over that mindset.
>
--- End Quote ---
re the bolded, I wouldn't see it that way. Roll your eyes at
them, or look away with a little shrug. Mary's transaction with
the cashier is really none of your business, as far as the
cashier is concerned.
#Post#: 5026--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: June 10, 2018, 10:13 am
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After you pay, walk away. It's polite to step aside anyway to
get out of the way of those behind you in line. Or come right
out and ask if she remember her money this time.
Of course I don't know your friend but it sounds like it's
happened too many times to be accidents. And never paying you
back confirms it in my mind. Maybe she thinks you're in on this
"game" of her being broke/a moocher and this "game" is how the
two of you let her save face. Again, or course I don't know her.
#Post#: 5028--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Tea Drinker
Date: June 10, 2018, 10:38 am
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I have had good friends who made enough less than I did (or had
less left after necessities like rent and subway fare) that I
offered to pay more than half the time.
Two differences: the main one is that I offered. The second
point is that "more than half the time" doesn't mean "always."
You'd be justified in telling Mary something like "I bought your
drink the last twelve times, so the next dozen are on you. Make
sure to bring enough cash for both of us."
Another possible thing to say would be "you now owe me for n
drinks, that's about 25 pounds. Before we get together on
Tuesday, please stop at an ATM and get out enough cash to pay me
back, and to cover whatever you want to eat or drink."
I also agree with the suggestion that you make sure she orders
and pays first.
#Post#: 5042--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: VorFemme
Date: June 10, 2018, 1:38 pm
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The second time I came up "short" at a group meal was because I
had enough cash on me to cover MY meal, MY drink, and MY tip -
but the way the group leader split things was to take the bill
(the group was large enough that we had to pay a minimum tip on
the combined bill) and divide it by the number of people...so I
was subsidizing other people's bar bills (I had iced tea) and
more expensive meals, possibly with desserts already included.
The lady next to me covered the extra $2 or so because she had
already pulled out enough cash to cover her (more expensive)
meal, her mixed drink, and her tip on the items that were higher
in cost.
We were usually meeting close to a place where my credit union
had an ATM, after that I made sure to stop and pull cash before
going into the restaurant - or I'd make a point of getting cash
earlier in the week while I was out & about if we weren't
meeting close to my credit union. The ATM would dispense enough
for at least two buffet prices - so it wasn't like I needed to
pull more than $20 at a time...but they didn't take checks at
that restaurant or debit cards (at first).
#Post#: 5058--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Bales
Date: June 10, 2018, 6:33 pm
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VorFemme, I would say you weren't short at all, though that's
probably a different topic altogether about splitting up group
checks.
#Post#: 5063--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: VorFemme
Date: June 10, 2018, 8:48 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Bales link ---
>
> VorFemme, I would say you weren't short at all, though that's
probably a different topic altogether about splitting up group
checks.
>
--- End Quote ---
I was lucky - the lady next to me looked at her plates & bar
glass and my plate & iced tea and "covered the difference"
without a qualm.
But I did learn that going out with the group in the evening was
more likely to get me an even split - I went when we were
meeting at a BBQ place where you got your food as you came in,
then went to the private room or some other way of getting my
food on a single ticket. It was just easier that way...no
checking that I had enough cash for an unexpected amount and no
feeling like "I should have had more" since I'm paying "more".
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