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#Post#: 4907--------------------------------------------------
Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: June 9, 2018, 1:00 am
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I have a good friend, "Mary". We often catch up for coffee, or a
drink, or a snack, etc. A situation has arisen on a number of
occasions recently, regarding paying for our drinks/snacks.
Basically, Mary forgets to carry cash on her, so when we go to
pay, I end up paying for her. (And many of the cafes and bars in
our region won't accept payment by card if the amount is less
than $10, which it often is).
I don't think Mary is trying to be a moocher - I think it's due
to flakiness. I know her well, and her exclamations of surprise
and body language when she discovers she doesn't have enough
money in her purse is empty seem pretty genuine. It happens even
when we've planned the outing days (if not weeks) in advance,
and even if Mary is the one who initiated the outing. (So it's
not like I'm springing these outings onto Mary at the last
moment, and she doesn't have time to be prepared).
Some more details: I normally pay for my drinks/snacks first,
then Mary opens her purse to discover she only has a handful of
small change (eg 5, 10, and 20 cent pieces). She starts
laboriously counting through it, and it quickly becomes clear
she doesn't have enough to cover her costs. By this stage, a
queue has formed behind us; others are waiting to pay. Once or
twice, the cashier has looked at me meaningfully with raised
eyebrows, as if to say "Come on! Can't you help your friend
out?" I'm conscious of the fact that Mary and I are now being
rude to other people, so I end up handing over some coins/notes
to pay for Mary.
Each time, Mary has thanked me, and assured me that "she will
get our coffee/drinks/etc next time", but that never really
seems to eventuate.
I should also add that due to my job, I make nearly twice as
much as Mary. I'm more than happy to pay for Mary's drinks/food
sometimes (and have happily offered this in the past), but I
also don't want to pay for her every time, as I feel that has
the potential for an unhealthy dynamic (I don't want Mary to
feel like a charity case, I want her to be my friend and
equal!). But maybe I'm just being a cheapskate by thinking like
that?
My etiquette question is: What is the politest way to avoid this
situation from happening again? Would it be rude next time to
say to Mary "Hey, make sure you have enough money on you," or
"Hey, do you need to swing by the ATM before we go to the cafe?"
Or as a friend, should I just suck it up and pay for her?
#Post#: 4908--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Lizzard
Date: June 9, 2018, 1:26 am
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Covering for a friend once or twice is fine, but having it
happen repeatedly would annoy me as well. If I did know I made
twice as much as them, I would offer to pay sometimes.
However, as you say this can lead to an unhealthy dynamic, so
occasionally I would ask if she needed to visit the ATM first.
#Post#: 4917--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Jem
Date: June 9, 2018, 7:15 am
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She is not being a good friend to you by guilting you into
paying for her, OP! Not the other way around should you not pay
for her, regardless of how much money you make compared to her.
I would remind her to get cash, or have her check out first. If
she claims to not have cash, you can say, “Oh - use your card!
With our stuff combined it is over the limit.”
#Post#: 4920--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: June 9, 2018, 8:36 am
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Since she has a proven record of doing this, I don't think it's
rude to ask her to check that she has enough cash to pay for
herself or if she needs to go to the ATM first. And you may
think her behaviour is genuine, but if this happens that
frequently that you are commenting on it, I would be skeptical.
Also, if she has an ATM card, can't she pay by debit at the
till? Depending on where you are, like if you're somewhere that
you pay first (like a coffee place), let her go first and if she
can't pony up for her own, then tell the cashier sorry, you'll
have to cancel your orders and let her know you can't cover her
at this time.
#Post#: 4921--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 9, 2018, 8:46 am
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I would text and remind her before you meet. If she’s just
forgetting then she’ll likely appreciate it.
#Post#: 4929--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: Thitpualso
Date: June 9, 2018, 10:02 am
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Hanna’s suggestion is excellent. It lets your friend know, in a
gentle way, that you know what she’s up to.
Covering the tab once in a while for a friend is something we
all do. When it becomes a habit it’s an abuse of the
friendship.
#Post#: 4936--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: GreenBird
Date: June 9, 2018, 10:54 am
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Make sure Mary orders first, and if it turns out that she
doesn't have enough cash to pay, then have her pay for both of
you using her card (so the total would hopefully be over $10).
Then you can reimburse her for your food with cash.
#Post#: 4939--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 9, 2018, 11:21 am
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--- Quote ---
> I'm conscious of the fact that Mary and I are now being rude
to other people,
--- End Quote ---
A point of clarity here.
This compound subject is not correct. There is no "Mary and I"
here; you are individuals in your own individual transaction.
("Mary and I" would be if the two of you are conversing in the
middle of the sidewalk and blocking people, and your shared
activity is inconveniencing other people.)
And YOU are not being rude to anyone.
This is all Mary.
Please try to separate yourself. You are not responsible for
her. (This is part of the problem; you and she have fallen into
a pattern that has given you a permanent sense of responsibility
for her behavior, and that's simply not factual. Free yourself!)
I also might argue that it's not necessarily rude to
inconvenience other people (by discovering that you don't have
as much cash as you thought); people make mistakes, etc., all
the time, and the simple living of our lives is going to get in
other people's way.
You know that Mary does this often, which gives you
additional info that makes you term the behavior as rude--I'm
not going to say you're wrong.
But to everyone else, this is a one-off, and it's not
appropriate to deem someone rude when they've goofed, or their
life gets in your way (that's what "excuse me for living" really
means, I've realized).
But, you DO know that it happens all the time, and it IS
actually rude to you.
I used to be a person who didn't necessarily bring much cash
with me. Other people would say, "let's get a soda," and I'd
say, "I didn't bring money, I didn't think we were stopping, but
you go ahead." And then they'd insist on buying me a soda; I'd
pay them back promptly. The 2nd or 3rd time it happened, I got a
lecture. I was a little resentful because I would have been fine
with not getting the soda, but they really pushed. However: I
started to carry a little bit of money. And I felt they also did
have a point.
I also once got a lecture from my running partner because I
didn't have cash in my pocket when I ran down to meet her for
our run, but got lightheaded and needed to get home. She loaned
me the $10 for a cab, but she told me in no uncertain terms that
I was not being responsible (to myself or to her) by not having
cab money in my pocket at all times in NYC.
So I think it's OK to say something directly to Mary instead of
just pussy-footing around. Tell her what you've observed, and
that you feel she's taking advantage of you, and that doesn't
make you happy about your friendship. And tell her you are not
going to bail her out next time.
(I would give her ONE chance of Hanna's solution, of texting her
a couple of hours before you meet to say, "Don't forget to bring
some cash, or your debit card, for lunch.")
Also: the fact that you make more doesn't enter into this. Even
if you'd be willing, you really shouldn't be subsidizing Mary;
that's NOT a good dynamic for a friendship. It's just not
appropriate. (Mind you: it's totally OK for you to TREAT her now
and then, but it shouldn't be a situation where you frequently
cover expensive things for her, even if that's the only way she
could go along with you to something you really want to do. I
did that for a while for my own sister, and I was raised to have
a generous, non-bean-counting POV, and it -still- messed up our
dynamic for a while. On both sides.)
"Mary, remember last week when you didn't have enough cash on
you for your sandwich? This is happening a lot. We've ended up
with the dynamic where you don't bring enough money for the
reasonable, expected expenses of our excursion, and then I pay
for you. This is making me unhappy. I need you to bring enough
money, or a way to pay, for your own expenses when we go
somewhere. Even if you pay me back--on my end, it feels like
you're using me, like I've become a bank, and not an equal, or
your friend. It's not cool anymore. I'm not going to bail you
out anymore, even if it means you can't buy lunch at all. You're
going to need to figure out how to have cash, or money on your
card, to pay for your own stuff."
Be direct; be matter-of-fact and not scold-y. Treat it like it's
information she needs to know. Because it is.
She has a right to know how this is affecting your
friendship. She has a right to know how you are reacting. And
she should also know that she can't count on this assistance
from you anymore. So let her know these important things, in a
non-emotional way.
Say it. Direct feedback on this kind of stuff helps people grow.
#Post#: 4956--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: June 9, 2018, 2:54 pm
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Toots had a great comment! I'd like to add that from now on you
should always make sure that Mary is ahead of you at the
checkout line. Always. Otherwise, she might be tempted to slip
back into the old dynamic.
#Post#: 4961--------------------------------------------------
Re: Paying for a friend who doesn't have enough cash on them
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 9, 2018, 3:46 pm
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Is Mary paying you back? You don't say that specifically; you
say this:
Each time, Mary has thanked me, and assured me that "she will
get our coffee/drinks/etc next time", but that never really
seems to eventuate. So I'm curious.
That is one big difference from what she did to what I used to
do sometimes.
I paid people back. Promptly.
(Also, I didn't plan on spending anything at all, while she
should be doing so. If I knew we were going to get lunch on the
road, I'd have brought money.)
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