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#Post#: 4704--------------------------------------------------
Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitive Po
st
By: Girlie Date: June 7, 2018, 9:18 am
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BG #1: My place of employment is big on throwing baby showers
(and wedding and retirement showers). Usually what happens is
that a card is passed around in an interoffice envelope with
everyone's name on the outside. Contributions are made mostly in
anonymity with people crossing their names off as the card
passes them. Everyone can sign the card no matter who gives
money. We are also a very close-knit group and have given
generously at other times, with a few examples being a house
fire (of a coworker's grown child), immediate death of a
coworker's family member, etc.
BG #2: We have a coworker, whom we'll call Sheila, who is
pregnant with Baby #2. Her oldest child, a girl, is between two
and three (I don't remember exactly, and this coworker came to
us after this child had been born). Anyway, Baby #2 is a boy,
and unfortunately, Sheila and her family were given the
devastating news that he has spina bifida. We do not know how
bad his condition may be, and we would never pry. We figure that
if she wanted to share specific information, she would. To be
clear, her baby's condition is not a secret - as far as I know,
the parents just aren't sharing details about the follow-ups
they've had. We have no way of knowing if the news has been good
or bad, but we want to be as supportive as possible without
causing her too much consternation or grief.
That being said, we're not sure that doing a traditional shower
would be wise. We want to offer her the chance to have one, but
will be understanding if it's not something she's interested in
at this time. She has a registry, but there isn't much on it. We
were thinking that our time and efforts might be better spent in
upping our collection activity, with the thought that her family
may be better served by money than by gifts. I am sure our
fellow employees will be understanding given the situation, but
I want to make sure that we're not completely out-of-line with
our plans, etiquette-wise.
One employee suggested starting a Go-Fund-Me, but I think that
might not be the best avenue, simply because that really would
put their personal business out there for anyone to view. Seeing
as to how they have been kind of private about this, I'm not
sure that that's the right decision.
What do you all think?
#Post#: 4708--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: Dazi Date: June 7, 2018, 9:59 am
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I would not start a go fund me without the parent's expressed
permission. They may not want or need it.
#Post#: 4710--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: Luci Date: June 7, 2018, 10:36 am
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I don’t donate to GoFundMe at all because their fees are so high
I feel I’m wasting my money.
I would have the shower but encourage the group of people who
want to donate cash and gift cards to put it all in one signed
envelope so it is anonymous if you don’t send checks and still a
non traditional but needed shower gift.
#Post#: 4716--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: cleargleam Date: June 7, 2018, 10:57 am
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I would sign the card and do gift cards/registry gifts as moves
each person. I believe one key to the etiquette is to normalize
the situation as much as possible. Yes, there will probably be
an expensive surgery. There may be long term effects. But
right now is not the time to start treating the mother
"differently" because of expected complications.
Treating people differently - even with good intentions -
highlights the differences and challenges.
#Post#: 4717--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: Hmmm Date: June 7, 2018, 10:58 am
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I would host a baby shower for her. Pass around a card and do a
collection just like with everyone else. I'm not sure what the
concern is with doing a shower for her. Yes, it is sad news that
the child has spina bifada but I would think they would still
want to celebrate the child in the same manner.
#Post#: 4722--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: camlan Date: June 7, 2018, 11:17 am
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[quote author=cleargleam link=topic=342.msg4716#msg4716
date=1528387035]
I would sign the card and do gift cards/registry gifts as moves
each person. I believe one key to the etiquette is to normalize
the situation as much as possible. Yes, there will probably be
an expensive surgery. There may be long term effects. But
right now is not the time to start treating the mother
"differently" because of expected complications.
Treating people differently - even with good intentions -
highlights the differences and challenges.
[/quote]
I agree with this.
Doing anything differently than other baby showers just points
out the differences between this baby and everyone else's
babies. He is still a baby. He will need diapers and rattles and
toys and board books and onesies and burp cloths.
Tiptoeing delicately around the issue of the shower just
highlights how our society sidelines people with disabilities
and makes it seem like this baby doesn't deserve a shower
because he is somehow "broken." This baby deserves to be
celebrated just like any other baby.
Yes, the family will most likely have expenses most families
don't have--Medicare and insurance don't cover everything. But
it isn't the role of coworkers to fill in that money gap unless
the need is made known to them and help is asked for. Treat this
baby just like any other baby.
#Post#: 4724--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: NewHomeowner Date: June 7, 2018, 11:27 am
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Someone who is close to her should ask if she wants a shower, or
what's going on. Presumably she's worked there long enough to
know about the tradition of showers.
#Post#: 4732--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: cleargleam Date: June 7, 2018, 11:59 am
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[quote author=camlan link=topic=342.msg4722#msg4722
date=1528388264]
[quote author=cleargleam link=topic=342.msg4716#msg4716
date=1528387035]
I would sign the card and do gift cards/registry gifts as moves
each person. I believe one key to the etiquette is to normalize
the situation as much as possible. Yes, there will probably be
an expensive surgery. There may be long term effects. But
right now is not the time to start treating the mother
"differently" because of expected complications.
Treating people differently - even with good intentions -
highlights the differences and challenges.
[/quote]
I agree with this.
Doing anything differently than other baby showers just points
out the differences between this baby and everyone else's
babies. He is still a baby. He will need diapers and rattles and
toys and board books and onesies and burp cloths.
Tiptoeing delicately around the issue of the shower just
highlights how our society sidelines people with disabilities
and makes it seem like this baby doesn't deserve a shower
because he is somehow "broken." This baby deserves to be
celebrated just like any other baby.
Yes, the family will most likely have expenses most families
don't have--Medicare and insurance don't cover everything. But
it isn't the role of coworkers to fill in that money gap unless
the need is made known to them and help is asked for. Treat this
baby just like any other baby.
[/quote]
Thanks! Your "tiptoeing" paragraph better articulates what I
was trying to say.
#Post#: 4733--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: Girlie Date: June 7, 2018, 12:03 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=342.msg4717#msg4717
date=1528387122]
I would host a baby shower for her. Pass around a card and do a
collection just like with everyone else. I'm not sure what the
concern is with doing a shower for her. Yes, it is sad news that
the child has spina bifada but I would think they would still
want to celebrate the child in the same manner.
[/quote]
This isn't about us not wanting to throw her a shower. We would
be thrilled to.
However, based on her behavior, we have seen evidence to believe
that she may not want one. We do plan on having someone close to
her ask her to be sure, but we just don't think she's going to
say "yes."
I agree that every baby deserves to be celebrated, but I also
have to recognize that not every mother feels like celebrating,
for whatever reason. That doesn't mean that we don't wish to
support her and let her know that we are here for her family as
much as we can be.
#Post#: 4756--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby Shower/Gift/Money Question - Warning: Possibly Sensitiv
e Post
By: TootsNYC Date: June 7, 2018, 5:41 pm
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what about organizing a meals rotation for a set period of time?
Tell her, "we want to do something closer to the birth," and
then get people to make solid plans.
Or maybe do that AND a bit of a low-key shower? If she wants, of
course.
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