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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 6806--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 26, 2018, 9:31 am
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--- Quote from: Bada link ---
>
> ... This new board needs stuff to talk about, so I figured
this anecdote might generate some conversation and get me some
witty comebacks and terse responses (which it did)....
>
--- End Quote ---
And we thank you!
(and I'm w/ you, I'm willing to bring stuff to talk about even
if I don't personally feel all that strongly about it; it keeps
the place interesting!)
#Post#: 6808--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: June 26, 2018, 9:33 am
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--- Quote from: Bada link ---
>
> I appreciate your lengthy explanation of JADE, Bopper, and I
think others will find it valuable in the future too.
>
> I have already put my mom on an "Information Diet," so the
info she's getting is all "low stakes" for me. She doesn't hear
about minor medical problems or scary car mishaps or who visits
us and how often and whatnot. Yes, I'd like to not have my
souvenir choices nit picked, but hiding that I went on vacation
would just be exhausting (I'd have to hide it from my brother
too and tell multiple other people to not tell her or my brother
about it, since vacation stories are the kinds of things people
usually pass around).
>
> My mom is mildly toxic, but I've made a commitment to keep her
in my life (for Reasons). So she gets access to non-personal
info like what souvenirs I bought. This new board needs stuff to
talk about, so I figured this anecdote might generate some
conversation and get me some witty comebacks and terse responses
(which it did). The issue isn't keeping me up at night or
anything, since I'm annoyed by her criticism but not hurt, so I
don't have a need to escalate to not telling her about my
vacations ever.
>
--- End Quote ---
I know you wouldn't go down that route, but sometimes it can be
helpful saying to the nitpicker: "if you carry on nitpicking my
choices, it could make me feel I don't want to tell you about
our holidays at all... Is that what you want?". It puts them
on notice that you find the criticisms of your choices
irritating, and spells out a potential consequence if they don't
let it drop.
They don't need to know you'd probably not/never do that, they
just need to be made aware that is an option available to you.
Reading this topic is giving my ideas for dealing with my
judgmental family friend, so I really appreciate you starting
it.
#Post#: 6992--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: June 27, 2018, 12:16 pm
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--- Quote ---
> I know you wouldn't go down that route, but sometimes it can
be helpful saying to the nitpicker: "if you carry on nitpicking
my choices, it could make me feel I don't want to tell you about
our holidays at all... Is that what you want?". It puts them
on notice that you find the criticisms of your choices
irritating, and spells out a potential consequence if they don't
let it drop.
--- End Quote ---
I really like this approach. Fortunately, this hasn't been a
problem in my life, probably because we made a very strong stand
about this before it became a problem. DH and I weren't going
to get married - we were just going to live together (hey, it
was the 60s!). We were pretty young (he was 19 and I was 21),
and our parents weren't happy about the situation. So we told
each set of parents that we would get married - but that they
never again could have any say whatsoever in how we lived our
lives and they'd have to keep their opinions to themselves.
They promised they would, we got married (twice in one day, to
satisfy the requirements of each set of parents), and just
celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary. And never once in all
these years did our parents (only 1 of whom is still alive) butt
in in any way.
#Post#: 7015--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: June 27, 2018, 2:43 pm
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--- Quote from: GardenGal link ---
>
> [quote]I know you wouldn't go down that route, but sometimes
it can be helpful saying to the nitpicker: "if you carry on
nitpicking my choices, it could make me feel I don't want to
tell you about our holidays at all... Is that what you want?".
It puts them on notice that you find the criticisms of your
choices irritating, and spells out a potential consequence if
they don't let it drop.
--- End Quote ---
I really like this approach. Fortunately, this hasn't been a
problem in my life, probably because we made a very strong stand
about this before it became a problem. DH and I weren't going
to get married - we were just going to live together (hey, it
was the 60s!). We were pretty young (he was 19 and I was 21),
and our parents weren't happy about the situation. So we told
each set of parents that we would get married - but that they
never again could have any say whatsoever in how we lived our
lives and they'd have to keep their opinions to themselves.
They promised they would, we got married (twice in one day, to
satisfy the requirements of each set of parents), and just
celebrated our 49th wedding anniversary. And never once in all
these years did our parents (only 1 of whom is still alive) butt
in in any way.
[/quote]
That was a brilliant example of "start as you mean to go on" -
thank you so much for sharing it, and happy (belated) 49th
wedding anniversary.
#Post#: 7155--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Bada
Date: June 28, 2018, 1:55 pm
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--- Quote from: Chez Miriam link ---
>
> I know you wouldn't go down that route, but sometimes it can
be helpful saying to the nitpicker: "if you carry on nitpicking
my choices, it could make me feel I don't want to tell you about
our holidays at all... Is that what you want?". It puts them
on notice that you find the criticisms of your choices
irritating, and spells out a potential consequence if they don't
let it drop.
>
> They don't need to know you'd probably not/never do that, they
just need to be made aware that is an option available to you.
>
> Reading this topic is giving my ideas for dealing with my
judgmental family friend, so I really appreciate you starting
it.
>
--- End Quote ---
We actually *have* had that conversation with my mom, but it was
about an issue that was very important to us. She now doesn't
mention it, but I've heard through the grapevine that she thinks
if she raises it again that she'll never get to see LO ever
again (...as does my brother, who we never had this discussion
with...). We didn't actually go that far in what we said, but
we did tell her that complaining wasn't going to make us want to
see her *more.* It's working, so I'm not going to go back and
correct her mental-exaggeration.
We just started LO in piano classes. Mom said "Oh, you'll see
if he's got any aptitude for piano now." (Reminder to those of
you at home HE'S LESS THAN 2 YEARS OLD). Me: "We're just trying
to see if he has any fun at this age mom." Sigh.
#Post#: 7158--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: June 28, 2018, 2:14 pm
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--- Quote from: Bada link ---
>
> [quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=316.msg6808#msg6808
date=1530023624]
> I know you wouldn't go down that route, but sometimes it can
be helpful saying to the nitpicker: "if you carry on nitpicking
my choices, it could make me feel I don't want to tell you about
our holidays at all... Is that what you want?". It puts them
on notice that you find the criticisms of your choices
irritating, and spells out a potential consequence if they don't
let it drop.
>
> They don't need to know you'd probably not/never do that, they
just need to be made aware that is an option available to you.
>
> Reading this topic is giving my ideas for dealing with my
judgmental family friend, so I really appreciate you starting
it.
>
--- End Quote ---
We actually *have* had that conversation with my mom, but it was
about an issue that was very important to us. She now doesn't
mention it, but I've heard through the grapevine that she thinks
if she raises it again that she'll never get to see LO ever
again (...as does my brother, who we never had this discussion
with...). We didn't actually go that far in what we said, but
we did tell her that complaining wasn't going to make us want to
see her *more.* It's working, so I'm not going to go back and
correct her mental-exaggeration.
We just started LO in piano classes. Mom said "Oh, you'll see
if he's got any aptitude for piano now." (Reminder to those of
you at home HE'S LESS THAN 2 YEARS OLD). Me: "We're just trying
to see if he has any fun at this age mom." Sigh.
[/quote]
{{Hugs}}, Bada - it sounds like you're dealing with two
toddlers. ::)
#Post#: 12801--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: VorFemme
Date: August 31, 2018, 3:16 pm
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I still remember being told that I should have done something
*differently* on one of those "once in a lifetime events". I
managed to keep my temper and shut down the nitpicking by
telling the person "I'll have to remember that the next time I
do that *once in a lifetime thing*".
I think that they suddenly realized that twenty years later was
more than slightly ridiculous - but since I don't want to bring
the topic up again, I've never brought the subject up
again...just in case they had more advice...for one of my kids
who might not have done "once in a lifetime thing" yet.
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