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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 4561--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 5, 2018, 4:33 pm
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maybe don't tell her she's right--just say, "yeah, it seems like
a bummer, doesn't it." Or something similarly neutral.
Or, "those souvenirs sure are iconic, aren't they? It seems like
everybody gets one!" And then move on to something else. So it
sounds like you're agreeing with her, so there isn't the "must
overcome resistance/disagreement" paradigm
Or, "It sounds like that seems important to you."
#Post#: 4580--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Elisabunny
Date: June 5, 2018, 6:35 pm
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For a small child, you always have the option of, "Mom, he would
eat it."
#Post#: 4597--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 5, 2018, 10:25 pm
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there's also, "This was the thing he seemed to really want. He
didn't seem interested in the pet rock."
#Post#: 4620--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Bada
Date: June 6, 2018, 8:37 am
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--- Quote ---
> Or, "those souvenirs sure are iconic, aren't they? It seems
like everybody gets one!" And then move on to something else. So
it sounds like you're agreeing with her, so there isn't the
"must overcome resistance/disagreement" paradigm
--- End Quote ---
Toots, I love this one! It's fake agreement to distract her!
#Post#: 5966--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: ladameestmorte
Date: June 18, 2018, 10:56 pm
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I agree with the person upthread who said to just agree with her
to get her to be quiet. That's actually a rather brilliant plan
and I'm sure it would confuse the heck out of your mother.
LOL, it makes me think of when Cal Naughton from "The Ballad of
Ricky Bobby" thought Ricky was trying to use reverse psychology
on him: "I'll tell you the truth. I'm a little confused by your
tactics. I'm gonna keep acting tough... until I figure it out.
"
#Post#: 6492--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Take2
Date: June 22, 2018, 3:29 pm
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Sometimes it works to say "this seems to be really important to
you, and I am trying to understand. Johnny wasn't really
interested in that souvenir, maybe he will be when he is older.
But it seems like there is something else you are needing, here.
How can I help?" For a passive aggressive person, directly
addressing the subtext will often make them vehemently deny
there is one. For other people, it may draw their attention to
the fact that they are belaboring an unimportant detail OR help
them to realize that something else really is bothering them and
share that with you.
#Post#: 6627--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: June 24, 2018, 8:58 pm
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I would say to anyone who told me I bought them the “wrong”
souvenir, the quote from one of the Pirates of the Caribbean
movies, “If you don’t like it, then give it back.”
In this case, wait until the kid is old enough to handle gift
receipt on his own, so there’s no middle man to say “you bought
the wrong thing.” Then, if the kid tells you that, then no more
souvenirs for him.
When someone goes to the trouble of bringing me a souvenir, even
if I don’t care for it, I put a smile on my face and say “Thank
you.” After all, they were on this great trip and actually
thought of me - what more can anyone ask?
#Post#: 6705--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: BeagleMommy
Date: June 25, 2018, 3:16 pm
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"Mom, why are you so adamant that LO needs a pet rock when he
wasn't interested in it and it is not appropriate for his age
right now? Would you really want me to give him something that
could hurt him?"
#Post#: 6710--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: bopper
Date: June 25, 2018, 3:37 pm
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I think this is a case for don't JADE.. Don't .Justify, Argue,
Defend or Explain.
When should you use this?
When there should be no argument about something.
You got your child souvenir x not y. Why should there be a
discussion? Your child, your decision (within reason of
course).
Would you have a discussion if you bought a goofy plush instead
of mickey because that is what your child wants? of course not.
It’s hard to set strong boundaries with your relatives. Whether
you love them too much to say no or loathe how easily they get
under your skin, there’s something about family that makes it
hard to stand up for yourself. It doesn’t have to be that way.
By using the JADE mnemonic, you can avoid conversational
minefields and eliminate shouting matches at the dinner table.
Use JADE to remember that you never have to Justify, Argue,
Defend, or Explain with a relative, and you’ll be on your way to
a more peaceful existence with your family.
No Justifications Necessary
If you’re tired of getting the third degree every time you visit
home, it’s time to start using the first step in the JADE
method. Don’t justify anything. You don’t need to explain why
you chose that college major, pierced your nose, or accepted a
job your family doesn’t like. As an adult, you can make whatever
choices are best for you. When your motivations are questioned,
make it clear that you’re not putting up with an inquisition. A
firm but polite “I wanted to do so” or “I felt it was the best
choice for me” tells your family that you’re not open to an
extended review of your decisions.
Avoiding Arguments
When your relatives start sucking you into an argument, it can
be challenging to resist. That’s understandable. Keep firm and
remember that family arguments don’t lead anywhere positive.
It’s okay to say “I don’t want to argue with you” or “Let’s
agree to disagree on this.” If you want to lay on the guilt, ask
your relative “Why are you picking a fight with me?” You’ll make
your point, but be prepared for pushback.
Don’t Go on the Defensive
A clever way for mean-spirited relatives to control a
conversation is forcing you to defend yourself and your
decisions. This is a more sophisticated way of picking an
argument. When you present a logical reason for your actions,
you’re only giving your family new angles of attack. Don’t help
out your vicious family members. Tell them “I don’t want to talk
about this” or “Can we talk about something else?” If possible,
suggest a specific and neutral topic of conversation like your
relative’s children or favorite hobby.
You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself
Family members can make you feel small and juvenile just by
asking you for an explanation. Comments like “How can you think
that?” or “What in the world makes you believe that?” are not
going to lead to anything positive. Rather than continuing the
negativity by trying to explain yourself, refuse to engage. Say
something like “Let’s talk about something else” or “We clearly
have strong opinions on this. Let’s pick a more neutral topic”
can help you avoid these conversational traps.
In a functional family, you will rarely have to use any of these
suggestions. If you find yourself using JADE techniques on a
regular basis, then you are not the problem. Remember that
family time should be about love, acceptance, and togetherness,
not criticisms and nit-picking. It is always appropriate for you
to deflect rude questions, change the topic of conversation, or
refuse to discuss negative topics. With JADE, you can remember
four ways to de-escalate negative interactions and make family
time happier.
HTML https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#.WzFQ_VVKiUk
You said "MrBada says if and when she does this again, we just
say we bought the souvenirs LO wanted and repeat as necessary. "
No, next time you don't talk about souvenirs.
The time after that you don't even tell her you are going on
vacation.
If you telling someone about your life only causes them to
nitpick/criticize what you do, then they don't get to hear about
your life.
#Post#: 6782--------------------------------------------------
Re: We bought the "wrong souvenirs"
DIR By: Bada
Date: June 26, 2018, 8:23 am
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I appreciate your lengthy explanation of JADE, Bopper, and I
think others will find it valuable in the future too.
I have already put my mom on an "Information Diet," so the info
she's getting is all "low stakes" for me. She doesn't hear about
minor medical problems or scary car mishaps or who visits us and
how often and whatnot. Yes, I'd like to not have my souvenir
choices nit picked, but hiding that I went on vacation would
just be exhausting (I'd have to hide it from my brother too and
tell multiple other people to not tell her or my brother about
it, since vacation stories are the kinds of things people
usually pass around).
My mom is mildly toxic, but I've made a commitment to keep her
in my life (for Reasons). So she gets access to non-personal
info like what souvenirs I bought. This new board needs stuff to
talk about, so I figured this anecdote might generate some
conversation and get me some witty comebacks and terse responses
(which it did). The issue isn't keeping me up at night or
anything, since I'm annoyed by her criticism but not hurt, so I
don't have a need to escalate to not telling her about my
vacations ever.
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