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#Post#: 4451--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: jazzgirl205
Date: June 4, 2018, 8:46 pm
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When my mother died last November, I didn't feel right wearing
bright colors for a while. I only attended one Christmas party
and only attended concerts of a religious nature. I didn't send
Christmas cards. I didn't feel pressured to do this, it was
just me.
#Post#: 4452--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Hanna
Date: June 4, 2018, 9:44 pm
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Thank you for starting this thread.
I experienced a tragic loss as a child. We were too broken to
follow any polite/proper grieving rituals.
I agree with Jem’s comments about grief and the endless nature.
As an adult I lost someone close unexpectedly and was perhaps
more prepared but still stricken. I decided during that time
that formal grieving periods and rituals make a great deal of
sense for me. It was at least a year before I could be sure to
make it through a dinner party without just getting up and
wandering off. I suspect that the defined period of mourning is
more out of consideration for everyone else than it is for those
that have experienced the loss. During that time I was not
suitable company for anyone except those close to me who
understood.
I strongly believe in letting everyone follow their own process
and in not judging anyone for the way they do it.
#Post#: 4496--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Thitpualso
Date: June 5, 2018, 10:35 am
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--- Quote from: jazzgirl205 link ---
>
> When my mother died last November, I didn't feel right wearing
bright colors for a while. I only attended one Christmas party
and only attended concerts of a religious nature. I didn't send
Christmas cards. I didn't feel pressured to do this, it was
just me.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is much like the observance in our families. Life goes on
but in a subdued way until things feel right.
My family is Irish and German Roman Catholic. We don’t send
Christmas cards the year a close relative dies. We might go to
a chamber music concert but not to a jazz club for at least a
few months.
Everyone mourns in his or her own way and the relationship with
the deceased greatly affects the type of mourning. When her
mother died, my cousin found herself wearing a lot of blue
because that was her Mom’s favorite color.
#Post#: 4503--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Writer of Wrongs
Date: June 5, 2018, 11:16 am
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It definitely varies from one person/family/religious
sect/cultural subgroup to another. I remember NFPwife's post
from the old board about grocery shopping after a family death,
and thinking then that it was a bit ridiculous. You have to eat!
Okay, maybe don't go shopping for party clothes or new wall art,
but groceries?! Of course!
When my DH's stepmother died, I took his sister shopping for
funeral-appropriate clothes and to a salon for a haircut. She
literally didn't own anything besides ratty jeans, and she
wanted something nice for her mother's funeral. And the last
person who did her hair had butchered it, so she wanted that to
look nice. Usual? Maybe not. Appropriate for the circumstances?
I think so.
When his mother died, just a few weeks before Christmas, I asked
DH if he wanted to downplay or forego Christmas decorations. He
said, "No, it was her favorite holiday, so I'd like to do even
more than usual this year, for her."
When my dad died, he had lost so much weight during his illness
that none of his clothes fit right. So Mom and I went shopping
to buy new clothes for him to be buried in. Again, appropriate
for the circumstances.
A month after Dad died, we all gathered with Mom's family for a
huge Thanksgiving celebration. It was very good for Mom, and
since Thanksgiving was Dad's favorite holiday, he would have
approved. A few weeks after that, DH and I took Mom to a big
Christmas production. Again, it was very good for her.
With all that said, I do kind of wish we still observed formal
mourning periods. As some PPs have mentioned, it's as much to
help the bereaved regain their composure as anything, and I
think we tend to expect people to "get over it" and not dampen
the mood if they are somber during holiday events or other
celebratory moments.
#Post#: 4581--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: jazzgirl205
Date: June 5, 2018, 6:37 pm
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--- Quote from: Thitpualso link ---
>
> [quote author=jazzgirl205 link=topic=315.msg4451#msg4451
date=1528163212]
> When my mother died last November, I didn't feel right wearing
bright colors for a while. I only attended one Christmas party
and only attended concerts of a religious nature. I didn't send
Christmas cards. I didn't feel pressured to do this, it was
just me.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is much like the observance in our families. Life goes on
but in a subdued way until things feel right.
My family is Irish and German Roman Catholic. We don’t send
Christmas cards the year a close relative dies. We might go to
a chamber music concert but not to a jazz club for at least a
few months.
Everyone mourns in his or her own way and the relationship with
the deceased greatly affects the type of mourning. When her
mother died, my cousin found herself wearing a lot of blue
because that was her Mom’s favorite color.
[/quote]
Yes, Mexican, Irish, Greek Catholic here. It must be in the
culture.
#Post#: 4606--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Aleko
Date: June 6, 2018, 2:59 am
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I rather wish that the wearing of a black armband hadn't gone
completely out of fashion. After my mother died I was
most-of-the-time fine; she had been sinking towards it steadily
for a long time, it was quite peaceful and painless, and TBH my
brothers and I were rather hoping it would happen, as it did,
(a) before her dementia had closed over her so that she no
longer knew us, and (b) while my father, who had been caring
for her manfully for years before she finally had to go into a
nursing home, still had the health and strength to cope with
life as a widower. We all knew that it really was for the best.
But for a couple of months I would occasionally be suddenly
overcome with a flood of grief, and it would have been a comfort
to be able to sniffle quietly on the bus or in the supermarket
queue without having to explain myself because everyone who saw
me would also see the armband and get it.
#Post#: 4665--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Songbird
Date: June 6, 2018, 6:10 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote author=Songbird link=topic=315.msg4204#msg4204
date=1527964246]
> Bada, is your friend Jewish?
>
>
> I’m Jewish. Our custom is to have the funeral as quickly as
possible, followed by a 7 day period of mourning called “sitting
shiva”. Shiva customs are similar to a wake, but take place
after the funeral and involve lots of food. Very observant Jews
extend the mourning period to 30 days,which includes refraining
from music, entertainment, etc. It is a religious requirement,
but one that isn’t uniformly observed.
>
> Mourners also recite a prayer called “Kaddish” daily during
the period of mourning. (If you’re in mourning for a parent,
you’re supposed to say Kaddish for an entire year.)
>
--- End Quote ---
And I think--though I'm not Jewish, so I'm relying on my friend
who said Kaddish for a full year for his beloved grandmother,
and on Google--that you need a minyan (a gathering of 10 Jewish
men, sometimes men and women) to do so. My friend spent a year
seeking out synagogues near all the various places he was
freelancing, as well as home, and when he was visiting friends.
He spoke about how some synagogues made a special effort to
get members to hang around during the day so there would BE 10
people there for every official service.
[/quote]
You’re right. When my father, of blessed memory, passed away, I
went to synagogue almost every day so that I could fulfill my
obligation to say Kaddish for him.
Your friend was not required by Jewish law to say Kaddish for
his grandmother, but it’s a nice way of honoring her memory.
#Post#: 4671--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 6, 2018, 8:41 pm
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He loved her very much. He was really committed to it; he did a
ton of research, and if I remember right, he didn't miss a day.
#Post#: 4784--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: MarisaWood
Date: June 7, 2018, 11:39 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> When my grandma died, I made a point of bringing something
black to wear, and my mother said, "Well, here in the Midwest we
don't worry about that as much. People dress in something nice,
but they don't wear black, always." And I saw that to be true
among the folks from her church.
>
--- End Quote ---
Also true in my family. I wore black pants and a blue top to
one grandfather's funeral because on that side of the family, if
you wear black at all to a funeral, you wear it with a color. I
wore a black dress with a cream floral print to my dad's
funeral, for the same reason.
On my mom's side of the family, nobody seems to care whether you
wear black to a funeral or not, as long as what you wear is 1)
modest; and 2) not too brightly colored. When my maternal
grandfather died in 2014, I wore a dark brown dress with a light
blue floral print and was actually pointed out to one of my
aunts as "appropriately dressed" for the occasion. (This aunt
showed up to the funeral in jeans and a T-shirt.)
#Post#: 4853--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: VorFemme
Date: June 8, 2018, 4:43 pm
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There are times when I think that the people who set up mourning
rituals for societies a hundred or more years ago did a better
job of it than we have done since people started going off to
hospitals to be sick & similar enclaves for the sick or elderly
only, by whatever name.
If you were born at home, lived at home, were nursed back to
health at home, and probably died at or near home (if it was
through disease or age) or not that far from home (unless you
had a good reason to travel - such as soldiers going off to war,
sailors going off to sea, or other hazardous job that involved
traveling) - well, the people that you knew would know when you
were that old, that sick, or had been injured in the course of
daily activities...so they were aware of what the survivors were
going through - as they were probably going through the same
thing.
In more modern times - those older traditions don't always work
but there are now newer ones really designed for the larger
population centers with mixed populations of people from
different nations & cultures - but who might live a long
distance from other relatives that they'd be wanting to mourn or
visit if they were sick...
Since my younger brother had a heart attack Sunday (he survived
& went home Wednesday after the period of observation for his
surgery was finished) - this is on my mind. One close relative
could only be contacted through Facebook, as she wasn't
answering calls from her step-mother and I got a phone call from
DD, who was checking Facebook updates & got the news before the
other relative...she did call them, as they usually pick up
calls from her, even if not from "StepMother"...(long story and
too identifiable). But it took a while for them to call the
hospital...
Mom flew down to Houston for me to drive her to where Younger
Brother lives...and we spent two nights there so that Mom could
see him...I am extremely aware of how some of the older
traditions just don't fit a time when families can be scattered
so far apart...and phones & computers only work when the owner
checks them & responds to the "news". And sometimes the people
getting the news faster are in the outer rings instead of the
information going from inner ring to outer rings...
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