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#Post#: 4250--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: MarisaWood
Date: June 3, 2018, 7:36 am
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When my dad died in 2004 (after a long illness), life went
mostly back to normal within days of the memorial service--but
for myself personally, I didn't feel comfortable going to any
purely social/entertainment events for about 4-5 months
afterward.
#Post#: 4255--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Bada
Date: June 3, 2018, 8:49 am
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--- Quote from: Songbird link ---
>
> Bada, is your friend Jewish?
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't know her personally, but from the board she posted on,
she's not. But maybe the practices her family follows came from
long ago Jewish ancestors?
As an aside, when I think of mourning rituals, I always think of
the dancing scene on Gone With The Wind, where Scarlett is
tapping her feet under her big black dress but isn't allowed to
dance. And then Rhet asks her to dance and it's scandalous
because she's supposed to be in mourning.
#Post#: 4260--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Asharah
Date: June 3, 2018, 10:27 am
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--- Quote from: Bada link ---
>
> [quote author=Songbird link=topic=315.msg4204#msg4204
date=1527964246]
> Bada, is your friend Jewish?
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't know her personally, but from the board she posted on,
she's not. But maybe the practices her family follows came from
long ago Jewish ancestors?
As an aside, when I think of mourning rituals, I always think of
the dancing scene on Gone With The Wind, where Scarlett is
tapping her feet under her big black dress but isn't allowed to
dance. And then Rhet asks her to dance and it's scandalous
because she's supposed to be in mourning.
[/quote]
In the book, Scarlett's husband had been dead for over a year by
then.
#Post#: 4289--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: MrsG
Date: June 3, 2018, 3:55 pm
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I work in hospice and end of life/final arrangements are
something I deal with every day. While certain 'rituals' or
'customs' occur, even then nothing is ever exact. Families and
people all face bereavement differently. They adapt cultural
norms in order to meet their personal preferences, many times
actually ignoring what the deceased actually wanted. I've lived
all over the United States and have seen a plethora of customs,
rituals and expectations when it comes to wakes, funerals and
bereavements. Some of them are similar - such as the long wakes
w/ dinners at the funeral home, or the open house at the home of
the deceased following the funeral, covering all the mirrors in
the home during sitting shiva and the kaddish prayer (I'm Jewish
as well.). Some of them are very different - hiring professional
mourners (or wailers as one family called them), transporting
the deceased to the cemetery themselves using a pedicab (no, I
am not making this up) or having each person at the funeral
light a candle and say something about the deceased whether good
or bad.
Mourning itself is a small part of the larger process of
bereavement and bereavement never really ends. It just evolves
and redevelops over time. Some things become easier, some things
harder, some things remain the same only different for the
person doing the grieving. For a long time people accepted Dr.
Kubler-Ross'assessment that grief was linear in its stages and,
in the end, even she said that wasn't correct. Worden introduced
the "tasks" of mourning which, every body does in one form or
another, just not in any set format or scale. I have a picture
that I give to family members dealing with anticipatory grief:
HTML https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x_C-dUiObto/VkvqNCqCwEI/AAAAAAAAFHY/H_J_L-b5_jk/s1600/12003282_10153750540786802_5804146057450439058_n.jpg
This provides a true picture of the grief process and helps
people realize that there is no 'right or wrong way' to mourn
(within boundaries of course). I'm glad you started this thread
because this is a part of society that is often glossed over or
totally ignored. Life ends, people die, those left behind have
to deal with that loss and their feelings acknowledged. Knowing
and accepting the customs and rituals in their life/community
goes a long way to helping them deal with the loss they have
experienced.
#Post#: 4396--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: June 4, 2018, 1:51 pm
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Add me to the list of those who are grateful for this thread. I
posted about mourning traditions on the prior board. My MIL died
on a Monday evening and we weren't doing everything until Friday
of that week. (The funeral director was convinced the online/
overnight casket wouldn't make it for Thursday. It did.)
Wednesday or Thursday of that week, I said to DH that we needed
groceries and he said we couldn't go grocery shopping because,
"What would ppl think?" He said, "They'll say, his mother's not
even in the ground and he's shopping." I didn't realize his
family had this custom of not going out or doing anything until
the burial and then refraining from more festive things for a
while. No specified time - when I tried to pin him down, he
said, "About a month." Then there was the added, "Unless the
deceased would want you to."
Well, I was 100% sure that his mother wouldn't have wanted us to
starve. She'd been ill for a long time prior to her, expected,
death and we'd visited her and done things with my FIL the whole
weekend before her death and hadn't grocery shopped. (All the
casseroles and food from family were going to FIL's house.) I
started with "I don't care what anyone thinks. Why would people
have any judgement for us buying food?!" but that didn't work,
so we compromised to going to a grocery store 20 miles away at a
time when we'd be really unlikely to see anyone we knew.
I feel really strongly that people should do what feels right to
them and take the social and cultural practices that comfort
them or "fit" for them and leave others aside. I feel even more
strongly that no one should judge how anyone else mourns and
grieves.
#Post#: 4405--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 4, 2018, 3:00 pm
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My in-laws and their family are very European (like,
off-the-boat European, literally), and they wear black to every
funeral.
When my grandma died, I made a point of bringing something black
to wear, and my mother said, "Well, here in the Midwest we don't
worry about that as much. People dress in something nice, but
they don't wear black, always." And I saw that to be true among
the folks from her church.
My ILs seem to also ALL go to ALL nights of the wake; in other
circles, people go to just one.
#Post#: 4408--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 4, 2018, 3:05 pm
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I totally freaked my FIL and MIL out when my own mom died.
She died on Monday afternoon, and I flew out on Thursday morning
(or Wed. night, I don't remember now), and the funeral was going
to be Saturday. That left me with Tuesday and Wednesday between.
I'd had a date for drinks with a friend on Tuesday night.
I decided to keep the date with my friend, because she had
mentioned on Facebook wanting to "claw my arm off" to escape the
job she had. I had seen increasing stress from her about feeling
trapped at that job, and I was worried about her. I didn't want
her to feel lost and stuck (I was TOTALLY PROJECTING here; I'd
had the same thoughts about MY job, and every time I tried to
have drinks with a friend or something to get some sort of
social relief, people canceled on me--not kidding).
I thought that my own mom, who was such a supportive person,
would consider that it was honoring her if I kept that date. So
I did. It was kind of good for me too.
When I got home, about 8pm, my ILs were sitting in the dining
room; they'd come over to "give me support" and were really
dumbfounded to discover that I wasn't there. My husband told
them I'd be home about 8, so they waited, but I could tell they
were a little confused and not quite approving.
But I truly believe it was what my mom would have wanted me to
do.
#Post#: 4412--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: MrsG
Date: June 4, 2018, 3:38 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> I totally freaked my FIL and MIL out when my own mom died.
>
> She died on Monday afternoon, and I flew out on Thursday
morning (or Wed. night, I don't remember now), and the funeral
was going to be Saturday. That left me with Tuesday and
Wednesday between. I'd had a date for drinks with a friend on
Tuesday night.
>
> I decided to keep the date with my friend, because she had
mentioned on Facebook wanting to "claw my arm off" to escape the
job she had. I had seen increasing stress from her about feeling
trapped at that job, and I was worried about her. I didn't want
her to feel lost and stuck (I was TOTALLY PROJECTING here; I'd
had the same thoughts about MY job, and every time I tried to
have drinks with a friend or something to get some sort of
social relief, people canceled on me--not kidding).
>
> I thought that my own mom, who was such a supportive person,
would consider that it was honoring her if I kept that date. So
I did. It was kind of good for me too.
>
> When I got home, about 8pm, my ILs were sitting in the dining
room; they'd come over to "give me support" and were really
dumbfounded to discover that I wasn't there. My husband told
them I'd be home about 8, so they waited, but I could tell they
were a little confused and not quite approving.
>
> But I truly believe it was what my mom would have wanted me to
do.
>
--- End Quote ---
Excellent example of handling the situation in your own way
Toots! There truly is no 'right or wrong' way to work through
the grief process. You knew your mom would be okay with you
visiting with your friend so you went to support the friend -
there was nothing wrong with that at all! This is something I
really stress to pt families - it's okay to do the things you
need to, even to do the things you want to if you know the
deceased would be all right with whatever it is.
#Post#: 4423--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 4, 2018, 5:23 pm
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--- Quote from: Songbird link ---
>
> Bada, is your friend Jewish?
>
>
> I’m Jewish. Our custom is to have the funeral as quickly as
possible, followed by a 7 day period of mourning called “sitting
shiva”. Shiva customs are similar to a wake, but take place
after the funeral and involve lots of food. Very observant Jews
extend the mourning period to 30 days,which includes refraining
from music, entertainment, etc. It is a religious requirement,
but one that isn’t uniformly observed.
>
> Mourners also recite a prayer called “Kaddish” daily during
the period of mourning. (If you’re in mourning for a parent,
you’re supposed to say Kaddish for an entire year.)
>
--- End Quote ---
And I think--though I'm not Jewish, so I'm relying on my friend
who said Kaddish for a full year for his beloved grandmother,
and on Google--that you need a minyan (a gathering of 10 Jewish
men, sometimes men and women) to do so. My friend spent a year
seeking out synagogues near all the various places he was
freelancing, as well as home, and when he was visiting friends.
He spoke about how some synagogues made a special effort to
get members to hang around during the day so there would BE 10
people there for every official service.
#Post#: 4424--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 4, 2018, 5:26 pm
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--- Quote from: cattlekid link ---
>
> My husband's family culture is one where people in mourning do
not go to "fun" events for up to a year after a death, depending
on how close they were to the decedent. For example, if invited
to a wedding, they may attend the ceremony in the church, but
they would not attend the dinner/reception afterwards. It would
be considered in very bad taste to take a vacation during that
time or otherwise appear to be indulging in any type of
celebration or celebratory event.
>
--- End Quote ---
If I'm remembering Miss Manners correctly, one of the other
reasons for the period of seclusion was to protect the grieving
person from feeling pressured to pretend to be cheerful in
social gatherings.
It's not that they didn't get together with friends or
family--they just didn't attend big balls, etc.
(It may have also been to protect the gathering from the
"downer" that it would be to have a guest suddenly burst into
tears. Or from the awkwardness of saying, "how nice to see you!"
to someone whose husband had died just a short time before.)
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