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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 4180--------------------------------------------------
Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Bada
Date: June 2, 2018, 8:45 am
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I saw a post elsewhere online. The poster said her family
doesn't listen to music or go to social events for a month after
a family member passes. She thought it was based on her
religious background, but others with her background said it was
cultural etiquette (though no one identified which culture).
At the risk of starting a bleak topic, I'm curious: What
mourning rituals do the rest if you all keep? In my family,
once the funeral is over, life goes back to normal; no one would
be considered rude for just resuming life as normal (though no
one would begrudge anyone normal levels of sadness either!). I
honestly hadn't realized that some people/places might do
anything longer. I thought that had all gone away (just like
wearing all black).
#Post#: 4195--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: June 2, 2018, 10:44 am
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Yes, everything goes back to normal rather quickly. Sometimes I
think it would be nice if some of the older rituals were still
around, for those who are still deeply grieving. We have lost a
lot of the comfort of familiarity in how to deal with or help
them, I think especially for elderly widows. Everyone else moves
on so quickly and they are often left lost to deal with it all.
#Post#: 4204--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Songbird
Date: June 2, 2018, 1:30 pm
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Bada, is your friend Jewish?
I’m Jewish. Our custom is to have the funeral as quickly as
possible, followed by a 7 day period of mourning called “sitting
shiva”. Shiva customs are similar to a wake, but take place
after the funeral and involve lots of food. Very observant Jews
extend the mourning period to 30 days,which includes refraining
from music, entertainment, etc. It is a religious requirement,
but one that isn’t uniformly observed.
Mourners also recite a prayer called “Kaddish” daily during
the period of mourning. (If you’re in mourning for a parent,
you’re supposed to say Kaddish for an entire year.)
#Post#: 4206--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Jem
Date: June 2, 2018, 2:37 pm
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I don’t think “grieving” ever really ends, and I know I am not
“over” the death of my sister or the death of my husband (both
died tragically and young). As soon as possible, I focused on
living my life rather than actively mourning their deaths
because to me that was the better way to honor their lives -
living mine and remembering them in happy times. It’s been a
while since either died (12 years for my sister and 7 for my
husband) and I still am “grieving” them. I am glad that my
family/culture does not have expectations about how and when
people can mourn or grieve. I can be a happy productive person
while also grieving and I am really glad I didn’t have to put on
a show closer to their deaths of what a grieving person “should”
be doing or not doing, and I am also glad that I don’t have to
put on a show now, pretending that their deaths do not still
affect me.
#Post#: 4208--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: June 2, 2018, 3:37 pm
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--- Quote from: Songbird link ---
>
> Bada, is your friend Jewish?
>
>
> I’m Jewish. Our custom is to have the funeral as quickly as
possible, followed by a 7 day period of mourning called “sitting
shiva”. Shiva customs are similar to a wake, but take place
after the funeral and involve lots of food. Very observant Jews
extend the mourning period to 30 days,which includes refraining
from music, entertainment, etc. It is a religious requirement,
but one that isn’t uniformly observed.
>
> Mourners also recite a prayer called “Kaddish” daily during
the period of mourning. (If you’re in mourning for a parent,
you’re supposed to say Kaddish for an entire year.)
>
--- End Quote ---
I was raised Jewish, although I've been an atheist for nearly 60
years. An additional mourning custom is to light a candle
(called a yahrzeit candle) once a year on the anniversary of a
close relative's death. This is the only religious ritual I do,
and I do it to honor my parents in a way they would appreciate.
#Post#: 4216--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: NyaChan
Date: June 2, 2018, 4:46 pm
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I thought in my circle of family/friends that it would be okay
for people to go back to normal since our religious tradition in
my experience seems to encourage avoiding dwelling too much on
death and grief. Then my mom mentioned that my aunt’s family
was giving her a hard time after her husband (my uncle; dad’s
eldest bro) died. Apparently she’d share what she was doing or
planning to do when they called to check on her and if she said
something like “oh I thought maybe I’d go and plant some flowers
today” they’d get upset and demand “What will people think!?!”
I think they were being ridiculous.
#Post#: 4223--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: cattlekid
Date: June 2, 2018, 6:23 pm
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My husband's family culture is one where people in mourning do
not go to "fun" events for up to a year after a death, depending
on how close they were to the decedent. For example, if invited
to a wedding, they may attend the ceremony in the church, but
they would not attend the dinner/reception afterwards. It would
be considered in very bad taste to take a vacation during that
time or otherwise appear to be indulging in any type of
celebration or celebratory event.
#Post#: 4225--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: Luci
Date: June 2, 2018, 8:14 pm
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We don’t do anything after the post internment dinner. We are
Christians and celebrate the life of the deceased and are joyful
that God has taken a loved one home. Personal grieving is
another thing, done mostly privately and sympathized and
understood by all. I don’t 'get over it' but life goes along as
best I can.
#Post#: 4228--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: crella
Date: June 2, 2018, 8:46 pm
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--- Quote from: cattlekid link ---
>
> My husband's family culture is one where people in mourning do
not go to "fun" events for up to a year after a death, depending
on how close they were to the decedent. For example, if invited
to a wedding, they may attend the ceremony in the church, but
they would not attend the dinner/reception afterwards. It would
be considered in very bad taste to take a vacation during that
time or otherwise appear to be indulging in any type of
celebration or celebratory event.
>
--- End Quote ---
It’s a year here, too. Funeral customs here are Buddhist. There
are 49 days of mourning, with about 40 prayers to chant nightly,
around sunset. There is one for each of 33 holy places the
departed have to visit on their journey plus a few extras. It
takes about an hour, so recently people do half each day, and
the whole cycle on Sundays, which is what we did. DH isn’t home
in time most nights so it was going to be up to me so I opted
for half each day.
Three meals a day go on the altar you set up in the house for
the 49 days as well. After that we can go back to normal mostly,
but are still officially in mourning for one year from the date
of passing. We can’t go to weddings, celebrate Christmas or New
Year’s this year, or visit Shinto shrines. But other than that,
normal activities are fine.
Edited for multiple typing errors.
#Post#: 4242--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mourning rituals and customs
DIR By: crella
Date: June 3, 2018, 2:38 am
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--- Quote from: crella link ---
>
> [quote author=cattlekid link=topic=315.msg4223#msg4223
date=1527981821]
> My husband's family culture is one where people in mourning do
not go to "fun" events for up to a year after a death, depending
on how close they were to the decedent. For example, if invited
to a wedding, they may attend the ceremony in the church, but
they would not attend the dinner/reception afterwards. It would
be considered in very bad taste to take a vacation during that
time or otherwise appear to be indulging in any type of
celebration or celebratory event.
>
--- End Quote ---
It’s a year here, too. Funeral customs here are Buddhist. There
are 49 days of mourning, with about 40 prayers to chant nightly,
around sunset. There is one for each of 33 holy places the
departed have to visit on their journey plus a few extras. It
takes about an hour, so recently people do half each day, and
the whole cycle on Sundays, which is what we did. DH isn’t home
in time most nights so it was going to be up to me so I opted
for half each day the last time we did this.
Three meals a day go on the altar you set up in the house for
the 49 days as well. After that we can go back to normal mostly,
but are still officially in mourning for one year from the date
of passing. We can’t go to weddings, celebrate Christmas or New
Year’s this year, or visit Shinto shrines. But other than that,
normal activities are fine.
Edited for multiple typing errors.
[/quote]
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