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#Post#: 81497--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: lowspark Date: August 23, 2024, 12:25 pm
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What is his stake in the household? Does he pay rent? When
unusual expenses like this occur, does he have to kick in for
part of it? I'm guessing not. Thus he has nothing to lose by not
fully participating in mitigating damage or avoidable expenses.
#Post#: 81498--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: jpcher Date: August 23, 2024, 4:07 pm
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Thanks for the update, sandisadie, no bother about the rant. I
see it as an explanation, giving us more information on how to
help you with this situation.
I'm assuming that your daughter (his wife) also lives with you,
correct? Have you talked to her about the situation? If so, what
did she have to say about it.
Your [s]rant[/s] story about the sprinkler, is very problematic.
Got ME angry! He had the knowledge and the ability to solve the
problem and yet he did nothing. :o
Time for a serious sit-down conversation. "That thing with the
sprinklers, where you didn't do anything about it until you were
asked, really ticked me off, broke the camel's back because it's
happened before. If you're going to continue living here (for
free?), you need to consider yourself as an invested household
member and step up and help when things go wrong. Otherwise?
There's the door."
Sounds harsh, I know, but his passive demeanor is unacceptable.
Again -- wondering what your daughter has to say about this
situation?
#Post#: 81500--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: Aleko Date: August 24, 2024, 3:39 am
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[quote]Again -- wondering what your daughter has to say about
this situation?[/quote]
This is crucial. She is likely to be the person with most
leverage on him, and above all you don’t want to create a
situation in which she feels obliged to take sides. You and she
need to be on the same page.
Another important question is: whose house actually is it,
legally and also as you might say emotionally? Did they come to
live in your house, or you go to live in theirs, or was the
house bought for you all to live in together? This would surely
affect the whole dynamic.
The fact that he knew how the sprinkler system worked and you
didn’t makes it sound as though it was his/theirs, at least
jointly with you, but maybe not?
#Post#: 81502--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: Rose Red Date: August 24, 2024, 8:25 am
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I think you all need family counseling from a third party to
figure out why he won't do anything without being told or why he
keeps crucial information to himself (the sprinkler valve) until
it's too late. To me, an outsider, that looks like a hostile
act*, but maybe it's something else. Maybe that's how his brain
is wired. Maybe he doesn't feels in control of his own life
since he lives in your house and it's coming out in passive
aggressive ways. I don't know. But maybe a third party will help
you all communicate with each other in more affective ways.
*I can't imagine waltzing off to work if I know how to shut the
thing off even at a house that's not my own. That's like someone
accidentally leaving the stove on and I just leave because *I*
didn't use it, so now the house is empty with a burner turned
on.
#Post#: 81503--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: sandisadie Date: August 24, 2024, 10:33 am
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Thanks for the interesting info so far. OP here. Yes, it's
legally my house and my dtr and her husband and also their son,
now 41 and working decided to move in together after I suddenly
became a widow 14 years ago. We, in general, get along very
well. We share costs for unexpected expenses to do with the
property. I pay for some of the standard costs and they pay for
others. No problem as far as paying for things. My SIL's
habits have become more of an issue in the past several years.
My dtr is quite aware of the issue and is very helpful in seeing
that he takes care of things as necessary, most of the time.
However, she is a university professor and even during summer is
very involved in her duties and obligations with that so can't
be on top of everything here at home. I'm retired, of course,
and am almost always here to be aware of what my SIL is doing,
or is not doing. We all want to remain respectful, but at the
same time, some things need to be taken care of in a timely
manner.
I admit that after 14 years I probably should have known about
the shutoff for the sprinkler system. Somehow I didn't. SIL
has always taken care of the sprinkler system. All I have done
is set the controls during the year because I have taken care of
the lawn and gardening, most of the time. The sprinkler system
thing is just an example of several problems that have come up
during the last 3 or 4 years that could have been handled better
and less expensively if my dtr and I had been aware that SIL was
not on top of the situation. We are trying to become more aware
of his limitations in this respect. He has several health
problems and several doctors and his health is likely
contributing to our problems. He does still work full time as a
school bus driver.
My subject here concerning offering to do things without be
asked has always been his way. I was unaware of this trait
until awhile after we moved in together. I hope you all have
some more ideas for dealing with this.
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