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#Post#: 81460--------------------------------------------------
Offering to do something without being asked
By: sandisadie Date: August 10, 2024, 11:05 am
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What do you think about an adult member of the household who
almost never, never offers to do any task at home unless asked
by another member? I've asked this member of my household why
he waits to be asked and his answer is that he keeps out of
trouble that way. I think what he is actually saying is that he
prefers not doing anything except what he enjoys doing - which
is smoking, watching racing on tv and sleeping. He never "gets
in trouble" when he DOES do something around here.
He's been in my household for 15 years now and has always
operated this way. He's in his 60s. The rest of us do all
kinds of things around here. Sometimes we have conversations in
order to decide the best way to accomplish something. He never
offers anything to these discussions. Even when asked
pointedly, he usually has nothing to offer; just agrees with
what is being said.
#Post#: 81461--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: Aleko Date: August 11, 2024, 5:47 am
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My crafty old dad used to say that virtue and self-interest can
often be made to go hand-in-hand. In this situation, the first
person to come forward and offer to do a chore very often gets
first choice of chore, and so ends up doing the one they enjoy
(or at least don’t actively dislike).
I suggest you officially re-characterise this bloke’s
behaviour not as laziness but as selfless willingness to perform
whatever unpleasant tasks remain un-volunteered-for, and fulfil
this wish by not asking or expecting him to offer to do
anything, but simply saying ‘And Raymond will scrub out
the rubbish bins, right Raymond? You’re so good at doing
them!’ And if he doesn’t want to be the one who
always does the cr*p tasks (and for all you know he may actually
not mind; perhaps he just isn’t interested enough to be
proactive), he will have to offer to do something else.
And if he doesn’t have opinions about the best way to do
something, take it gratefully as willingness to collaborate with
the people who do!
#Post#: 81462--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: chigger Date: August 11, 2024, 1:46 pm
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[quote author=sandisadie link=topic=2607.msg81460#msg81460
date=1723305944]
What do you think about an adult member of the household who
almost never, never offers to do any task at home unless asked
by another member? I've asked this member of my household why
he waits to be asked and his answer is that he keeps out of
trouble that way. I think what he is actually saying is that he
prefers not doing anything except what he enjoys doing - which
is smoking, watching racing on tv and sleeping. He never "gets
in trouble" when he DOES do something around here.
He's been in my household for 15 years now and has always
operated this way. He's in his 60s. The rest of us do all
kinds of things around here. Sometimes we have conversations in
order to decide the best way to accomplish something. He never
offers anything to these discussions. Even when asked
pointedly, he usually has nothing to offer; just agrees with
what is being said.
[/quote]
I think he's just lazy! However if he does the tasks when asked,
I would just keep asking. Annoying as it is, some people just
can't or won't look around and see "what needs doing".
#Post#: 81464--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: Gellchom Date: August 12, 2024, 5:12 am
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Does he do things agreeably and effectively when you do ask? If
so, I'd take that as a win. It's great if people see what needs
doing and then do it, but doing chores whenever asked is a
pretty close second.
I'm not sure why it's so bad that he doesn't participate in
discussions of how to do things. Maybe he just thinks there are
enough opinions without his, and he's happy to do things any way
the rest of the group decides.
I mean, I don't know -- we can't tell whether he is being
passive-aggressive about it or just is content to be a soldier,
not a general. But it feels like there is some other
undercurrent here that is bothering you.
#Post#: 81465--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: oogyda Date: August 12, 2024, 6:37 am
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Sometimes it seems like when you do a task once, it becomes your
responsibility to do it all the time. Maybe that's what he's
trying to avoid.
#Post#: 81466--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: Rose Red Date: August 12, 2024, 8:44 am
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Sorry but I think more details and background are needed. I
don't know if it matters, but who is this person? A spouse,
relative, friend, or child?
He's either lazy or something made him give up. Did his
parents/spouse do everything for him? Did this person grow up
being criticized when he complete chores? Did a parent(s) or
spouse push him away from the stove when he tries to cook and
take over? Yeah he's now in his 60's but saying he wants to
"keep out of trouble" speaks volumes. Or perhaps he's afraid to
step on toes if he's a friend staying in your house for free
even after 15 year and the discussions.
Perhaps a weekly written chore chart will help since he doesn't
object to doing the work when asked. Sounds like he just needs
clear instructions.
#Post#: 81467--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: Hmmm Date: August 12, 2024, 10:35 am
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Yes, he is lazy and is acting like a teenager so treat him as
one. Assign his weekly chores and a schedule. If he is truly
afraid of doing it wrong, help him do them once and then turn it
over to him.
Taking out the garbage from all rooms
Cleaning the toilets weekly
Sweeping the front porch and sidewalks weekly
Washing, drying and folding all of the towels weekly
None of the above can really be "done wrong"... just not done.
#Post#: 81469--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: holly firestorm Date: August 14, 2024, 11:55 am
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OK, I'm going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt because
I'm currently in a similar situation at the Archery Range where
I volunteer. There might be a good reason why he doesn't
volunteer and the "keeps me out of trouble" might not be a fib.
He might have been the eager beaver in the past, and have it
either been taken for granted, not appreciated, or even worse,
been treated like he was being too pushy, needy, told he was
doing it wrong, etc. So, he's not doing anything unless asked.
Just assign him those tasks and he'll know what he's supposed to
do. Do remind him if necessary (some people just get distracted
or forget). He'll do the jobs you assign, right?
PS: I wouldn't just assign him the crap tasks no one wants to
do, though. Find out which tasks he would LIKE to contribute,
garden work? Helping to get dinner ready? etc. Your not his
maid. But, he's not your maid either.
#Post#: 81495--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: lowspark Date: August 22, 2024, 12:52 pm
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[quote author=sandisadie link=topic=2607.msg81460#msg81460
date=1723305944]
What do you think about an adult member of the household who
almost never, never offers to do any task at home unless asked
by another member?
[/quote]
When you say, "asked by another member" does that mean that all
chores are approached ad hoc, with everyone just randomly doing
things as they come up? No one has assigned tasks that they are
deemed to be in charge of?
To me that seems odd. I live alone now, but when I was married,
we each had things we were in charge of. For example, husband
always did the dishes and took out the trash; I cooked and did
the grocery shopping; and we each did our own laundry.
No one had to ask -- we had assignments and we took care of
them.
Seems like you need to set up an assignment for this person.
Just make sure he understands doing them isn't a one-off and the
he is expected to do them regularly.
#Post#: 81496--------------------------------------------------
Re: Offering to do something without being asked
By: sandisadie Date: August 22, 2024, 3:28 pm
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OP here. This household member (my son-in-law) only does
household chores if he is asked. Such as washing up the pots or
taking out the trash. It is extremely rare that he does
anything like that on his own though. What I'm mainly talking
about are things that occur in a household randomly and must be
taken care of in a timely manner. When a problem is brought to
his attention he will usually acknowledge it but waits to see
what the other two of us says about it. We try not to have him
take care of anything important like this because he is slow to
take care of it and usually doesn't seem to care if it is done
right, or completed. An example of what I'm referring to would
be if, say, the fridge stopped working.
Or, as occurred this week, one of the stations of our in ground
sprinkler system would not turn off. He left it up to me to
turn off the valve in the in ground box and that only slowed
down the flow. I informed him of that and he said it would most
likely stop after the pressure got low enough. That didn't
happen and he left for work soon after. Well, the water
continued all day and when he returned in the late afternoon he
informed me that there is a main shut-off located under the
control box for the system. (It's located in a big brown box).
I had already located that and couldn't turn the levers. I
didn't know about this shut off until I googled the problem and
found out that all systems have this main shutoff. He had to
use a wrench to turn it off. [ Sorry to run on so long.]
Apparently nobody but him actually knew about this main cutoff.
I sure didn't know about it, much less knew what kind of tool to
use to turn it off. If he had taken a few minutes to show me
the shutoff, or even mention it the immediate problem would have
been solved. Over the years we have experienced this kind of
thing many, many times with him. Sometimes at big expense.
This is typical of him. He doesn't tell us what he knows about
things when he should. Sorry it this seems to be a rant.
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