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#Post#: 81268--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: Star Wars Fan Date: June 1, 2024, 5:42 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2595.msg81246#msg81246
date=1717006663]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2595.msg81214#msg81214
date=1715667059]
[quote]But she does sometimes comment on Facebook posts of
get-togethers that don’t include her to say, in effect, “How
come I wasn’t invited?” The answer to that is, cuz you don’t
bother showing up![/quote]
If she does that, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to give her
the true answer (privately, don’t put this out for the world to
see) in as cheerful and un-snarky way as you can. Something
along the lines of ‘Because I know that when you say yes to a
get-together there’s only a 30% chance you’ll actually show up,
so I don’t invite you to anything where having someone no-show
without any warning or explanation is going to matter. I really
do like to see you, but not to the extent of paying for a movie
ticket or booked meal that you may or may not show up for.’
[/quote]
I agree. I think people deserve to be given feedback. It’s part
of the scientific method, no?
And it’s also how people learn. “I sometimes don’t show up, but
nobody seems to mind” isn’t helpful for her to think.
[/quote]
The thing is some people NEVER learn. And it's not always our
responsibility to teach them a lesson.
Ed.
#Post#: 81271--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: sms Date: June 2, 2024, 12:45 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2595.msg81246#msg81246
date=1717006663]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2595.msg81214#msg81214
date=1715667059]
[quote]But she does sometimes comment on Facebook posts of
get-togethers that don’t include her to say, in effect, “How
come I wasn’t invited?” The answer to that is, cuz you don’t
bother showing up![/quote]
If she does that, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to give her
the true answer (privately, don’t put this out for the world to
see) in as cheerful and un-snarky way as you can. Something
along the lines of ‘Because I know that when you say yes to a
get-together there’s only a 30% chance you’ll actually show up,
so I don’t invite you to anything where having someone no-show
without any warning or explanation is going to matter. I really
do like to see you, but not to the extent of paying for a movie
ticket or booked meal that you may or may not show up for.’
[/quote]
I agree. I think people deserve to be given feedback. It’s part
of the scientific method, no?
And it’s also how people learn. “I sometimes don’t show up, but
nobody seems to mind” isn’t helpful for her to think.
[/quote]
Yes. I had to say this to a flaky friend, it wasn't
confrontational or anything but it was very matter of fact. She
had asked why I didn't tell her about "X" event because she
would have "tried" to make it. She is someone who hems and haws
and never confirms one way or the other without a lot of chasing
and half the time bails in the end anyway. I used to chase,
then get mad and finally wised the hell up.
I rarely invite her to anything anymore, it's not worth it.
It's one of the reasons our friendship has cooled dramatically.
I told her it was because I needed a firm answer pretty much
right away and this event was of the kind that a no show means
someone else loses out because seating was limited. The old
Xainte would have wrung her hands about offending her but I
agree with Toots, sometimes they need to hear it and they need
to know that it affects others.
It's really one of my big pet peeves, treating someone's
friendship, hospitality and time with so little respect
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