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#Post#: 81206--------------------------------------------------
How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: lowspark Date: May 13, 2024, 8:24 am
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I had a party this weekend. I invited a large number of people,
many attended, some could not. The usual.
I invited one friend who I only invite when it doesn't matter if
she shows up or not, because it's about a 30% chance she will
actually show up even when she says she's coming. So for
example, if I were organizing a meal at a restaurant where
reservations were needed, I would not invite her. But for this
party, one person more or less wasn't going to make a huge
amount of difference.
Well... you guessed it. While she replied in the affirmative,
she did not show. She did not text or notify me that she
wouldn't be coming (she never does), she just didn't come.
Completely unsurprising.
I did my invitations via Facebook. After the party, I posted
some pictures of the event. She commented on one of the pictures
with a compliment about the photo.
I want to respond. I want to say, "Thank you" (for the
compliment), then say something like, "Missed you! I had
expected you! Did I miss your communication that you wouldn't be
able to come?"
.... Or something like that. But not snarky. Maybe it is
inherently snarky? I just want to let her know that it's not
cool that she didn't show and didn't bother to let me know.
Not that it will make any difference in the long run. She is who
she is. But she does sometimes comment on Facebook posts of
get-togethers that don't include her to say, in effect, "How
come I wasn't invited?" The answer to that is, cuz you don't
bother showing up!
By the way, her typical excuse for missing is something like, "I
fell asleep on the couch."
Any advice on how I can respond politely but still get my
message across?
#Post#: 81209--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: Hmmm Date: May 13, 2024, 2:55 pm
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She gave you a great opening to make a remark. I like your
suggestions. Or something like "Hope all is well with you. I was
concerned since you didn't make it to the party on Saturday."
#Post#: 81210--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: lowspark Date: May 13, 2024, 3:33 pm
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I love that!! Thanks!
#Post#: 81212--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: oogyda Date: May 13, 2024, 7:48 pm
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Personally, I think anything beyond "Thanks. I missed you." IS
inherently snarky AND passive/aggressive and doesn't show you in
a good light. Is there some reason you can't contact her
directly to let her know "that it's not cool that she didn't
show and didn't bother to let me know."?
#Post#: 81213--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: Rho Date: May 13, 2024, 10:22 pm
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By the way, her typical excuse for missing is something like, "I
fell asleep on the couch."
I would want to reply to THAT " You mean my invitation was so
unimportant that you fell asleep and didn't set your alarm?.
Her response is not passive/ agressive it's a bald insult. You
are wise to disengage an selectivley invite her.
#Post#: 81214--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: Aleko Date: May 14, 2024, 1:10 am
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[quote]But she does sometimes comment on Facebook posts of
get-togethers that don't include her to say, in effect, "How
come I wasn't invited?" The answer to that is, cuz you don't
bother showing up![/quote]
If she does that, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to give her
the true answer (privately, don’t put this out for the world to
see) in as cheerful and un-snarky way as you can. Something
along the lines of ‘Because I know that when you say yes to a
get-together there’s only a 30% chance you’ll actually show up,
so I don’t invite you to anything where having someone no-show
without any warning or explanation is going to matter. I really
do like to see you, but not to the extent of paying for a movie
ticket or booked meal that you may or may not show up for.’
My guess is that this person never organises or invites to
get-togethers herself, and so has never had the experience of
standing wondering ‘Should we wait another 10 minutes for X, or
should we just go now, and leave her stranded if she does show?’
- and has simply never envisaged what it’s like for the
organiser when she doesn’t show. It might genuinely be a
revelation.
#Post#: 81215--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: NFPwife Date: May 16, 2024, 9:43 am
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[quote author=Rho link=topic=2595.msg81213#msg81213
date=1715656945]
By the way, her typical excuse for missing is something like, "I
fell asleep on the couch."
I would want to reply to THAT " You mean my invitation was so
unimportant that you fell asleep and didn't set your alarm?.
Her response is not passive/ agressive it's a bald insult. You
are wise to disengage an selectivley invite her.
[/quote]
I'm not a napper, unless I'm coming down with something, so that
influences how I'd respond... I'd ask, privately, if she's
feeling okay and suggest she get a workup with the doc. Falling
asleep and missing a party seems extreme to me.
#Post#: 81216--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: sms Date: May 16, 2024, 12:22 pm
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Personally I would not respond on FB, I would completely ignore
her comment. I would reach out privately if you want to address
this and I sure don't blame you for wanting to.
Her flaky lack of respect for your hospitality and your time is
rude and she has been getting away with it to some extent.
I get it, I have friends like that too and my patience for it
now is gone.
But you know you didn't miss her communication. I would tell
her, plainly but nicely that if you're going to continue to
invite her you deserve the basic courtesy of showing up. Or at
least telling you if something comes up and she can't make it.
#Post#: 81246--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: TootsNYC Date: May 29, 2024, 1:17 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2595.msg81214#msg81214
date=1715667059]
[quote]But she does sometimes comment on Facebook posts of
get-togethers that don’t include her to say, in effect, “How
come I wasn’t invited?” The answer to that is, cuz you don’t
bother showing up![/quote]
If she does that, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to give her
the true answer (privately, don’t put this out for the world to
see) in as cheerful and un-snarky way as you can. Something
along the lines of ‘Because I know that when you say yes to a
get-together there’s only a 30% chance you’ll actually show up,
so I don’t invite you to anything where having someone no-show
without any warning or explanation is going to matter. I really
do like to see you, but not to the extent of paying for a movie
ticket or booked meal that you may or may not show up for.’
[/quote]
I agree. I think people deserve to be given feedback. It’s part
of the scientific method, no?
And it’s also how people learn. “I sometimes don’t show up, but
nobody seems to mind” isn’t helpful for her to think.
#Post#: 81267--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
By: Star Wars Fan Date: June 1, 2024, 5:37 pm
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Personally, I'd just stop inviting her to anything. And when she
asks, tell her it's because you never come when you're invited
anyways! Simple and to the point.
Ed.
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