DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life in General
*****************************************************
#Post#: 81181--------------------------------------------------
What did you just say? Updated
By: shadowfox79 Date: May 4, 2024, 1:08 am
---------------------------------------------------------
This happened a few nights ago when a group of us went to a
restaurant for a friend's birthday, and I was wondering what
everyone thought.
The woman whose birthday it was, "Hailie", is new to our group -
I had only met her once - but she had been made aware by our
friend "Lucy" (who is how she was originally invited out with
us) that we all go out for each other's birthdays, so had
suggested we go to this restaurant she wanted to try. When we
got there, she told us that she had had a recent windfall and
wanted to use it to pay for everyone's food. She told us that
she felt the money was "meant" for this as it was exactly the
amount it would have cost for six set menus, which was what we
were booked to have.
We were all quite surprised and told her she didn't have to do
that, it was her birthday, but she insisted, so we thanked her
and went along with it.
So I thought, anyway.
As the meal was coming to a close, two of the other women (who
incidentally are considerably older than me, Lucy or Hailie, if
that has any impact on things) went to the bathroom and
apparently had a conflab in there, because they came back to the
table and told Hailie very coldly that they weren't happy with
her paying for the food, because "You're embarrassing us."
Hailie took this calmly and insisted that they had no need to be
embarrassed, and told us again how it was simply a windfall and
she felt it was meant for this purpose. It was then that one of
the women, "Debbie", came up with this line.
"We feel like you're trying to buy our friendship."
I really, really regret that I was too floored to say what I was
actually thinking at this point. Lucy stepped in and told Hailie
she felt no embarrassment and was happy to accept her kind
offer, I agreed with her, and the other two mumbled and grumped
a bit before Lucy suggested we all pay for the drinks and tip,
including Hailie's, as a thank you (these weren't covered by the
windfall). So the bill was sorted out and we all left.
Lucy messaged me afterwards and told me she had physically
cringed when Debbie had said that. I told her I had done the
same and that I hoped Hailie didn't think I agreed with it -
Lucy forwarded me a text from Hailie which stated that she knew
I didn't, which was good.
But still - accusing her of trying to buy friendship? Is it just
me, or is that a horrible thing to say to someone who's just
trying to do something nice? I appreciate that having someone
offer to pay the bill might take you aback for a moment, but
still, I was disgusted by that comment.
I'm now worried Hailie won't want to come out with us again. I
hope that's not the case, because frankly I feel much better
about her friendship than I do about Debbie's at the moment.
#Post#: 81182--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: Rose Red Date: May 4, 2024, 8:20 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Even if I thought Hallie was trying to buy friendships, this is
not the time to have it out with her and make everyone at the
table uncomfortable. I would have done what you did by telling
Hallie she didn't have to pay, but let it go after Hallie insist
on paying. Then observe if this is a one time thing or if Hallie
continue to insist on paying in future outings. I would also
observe how she acts in other ways (is she friendly? Interested
in others? Jump in to help in time of crisis? Does she expect
anything in return for her generosity?). Some people are
givers/nurturers.
Witnessing the fighting about the bill and the cold comments is
more embarrassing to me than quietly letting Hallie host her own
birthday dinner.
#Post#: 81183--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: Rho Date: May 4, 2024, 11:26 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
This: Witnessing the fighting about the bill and the cold
comments is more embarrassing to me than quietly letting Hallie
host her own birthday dinner.
Nothing like taking the enjoyment from Hallie during her special
dinner
#Post#: 81185--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: shadowfox79 Date: May 5, 2024, 2:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]I would also observe how she acts in other ways (is she
friendly? Interested in others? Jump in to help in time of
crisis? Does she expect anything in return for her generosity?).
Some people are givers/nurturers.[/quote]
Judging from what I saw the first time I met Hailie, I would say
a nurturer fit her quite well. She was very friendly and chatty
and when people at the table mentioned problems they were
having, she was sympathetic and keen to offer guidance. I
certainly wouldn't have leapt to the conclusion that she was
trying to buy anyone's friendship.
I think part of the reason this annoyed me as well was Debbie's
manner, which was very much in the style of a parent chastising
a small child. This may have been because Debbie was older or
may also have been because Hailie does give the impression of
being a bit naive (I don't know if she actually is, just that
she gives that impression), but Debbie has used that manner with
me as well in the past and it's highly irritating. I felt Hailie
was old enough and intelligent enough to understand what she was
offering and didn't deserve anyone talking down to her.
#Post#: 81186--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: shadowfox79 Date: May 5, 2024, 2:09 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rho link=topic=2593.msg81183#msg81183
date=1714883165]
Nothing like taking the enjoyment from Hallie during her special
dinner
[/quote]
Exactly. I felt that one protest was fine, but making a big deal
of it was entirely unnecessary.
#Post#: 81189--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: Hmmm Date: May 7, 2024, 12:07 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=shadowfox79 link=topic=2593.msg81186#msg81186
date=1714892956]
[quote author=Rho link=topic=2593.msg81183#msg81183
date=1714883165]
Nothing like taking the enjoyment from Hallie during her special
dinner
[/quote]
Exactly. I felt that one protest was fine, but making a big deal
of it was entirely unnecessary.
[/quote]
I think I would be sending Debbie a message saying that her
actions made you very uncomfortable and you thought she would
have learned how to graciously accept a gift by now. If she
thought there was strings attached to the gift, then she should
have addressed them when that occurred, not make such a mean
spirited accusation. You might even remind her that since Hallie
was the one to suggest the dinner to celebrate her own birthday,
that paying for it was the correct thing to do.
Is this on par for Debbie? Is she always so judgmental of
others? Is she insecure that she wouldn't be able to offer such
a gracious gift?
#Post#: 81190--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: sandisadie Date: May 7, 2024, 1:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think that when someone shows you who they are you should take
them at their word, so to speak. Hallie, by throwing herself a
birthday party and footing the bill, shows me that she is a
generous person who likes to enjoy herself with others. Until
she shows the others that she isn't exactly that person then
everybody should have accepted this celebration at face value.
Maybe next time she won't invite the people who made a fuss
about paying the bill.
#Post#: 81194--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: shadowfox79 Date: May 8, 2024, 1:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I can understand Debbie being surprised at Hailie offering to
pay, simply because that's not something we generally do - the
birthday girl picks the restaurant, but there's never any
suggestion that they have to pay for it. I do, however, agree
that it was generous of her to do so and didn't deserve the
response she got from Debbie.
I can't speak for Debbie's insecurity (she's retired, but as far
as I know she's not struggling for money) but as to being
judgmental - yes, on occasion. This was one of the reasons I
mentioned her age, to be honest. The group is split between
people my age (i.e. in my forties) and people about twenty years
older, and the older women have been known to be a bit judgey
with the younger ones.
#Post#: 81200--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: holly firestorm Date: May 10, 2024, 11:33 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
What a shame those two ladies had to spoil Haille's generous
gesture! If they had done it differently, for instance, "Hallie,
that's generous of you. But, on YOUR birthday YOU should be the
one getting treated." Then if Haille insisted, just go along
with it. If she was being manipulative and not genuine, you'll
all discover that soon enough. On her birthday...they should
have let it go.
#Post#: 81204--------------------------------------------------
Re: What did you just say?
By: Star Wars Fan Date: May 12, 2024, 6:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Yeah that was a really hateful and insulting thing for Debbie to
say. But I think it's just as well that you didn't say anything
at the time so it didn't turn into a bigger argument and have
you all making a scene at the restaurant. I think you should
contact Haillie and definitely let her know that you completely
disagree with Debbie and whoever else sided with her about her
stupid and insulting opinion and let her know that she didn't do
anything wrong. Then I think you should all start distancing
yourself from Debbie. Who knows what she might've said about all
of you behind your backs!
Ed.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page