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#Post#: 81004--------------------------------------------------
Doing all the work on Holidays UPDATE
By: chigger Date: March 3, 2024, 2:22 pm
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I'm nearing 60, and I'm tired. Thanksgiving is my busiest week
at work, but I host. I cook for days, and it really sucks.
Christmas, I host twice as many people, but I have the day off
and it still sort of sucks. My question is: when did older
people here stop hosting? Or when did you start asking people to
contibute to the function? I'm thinking about this already
because it's so hard for me. I just want to stop doing it with
part of the family, because they are not social, don't bring any
gifts, etc. I just feel sort of used, IYKWIM
#Post#: 81005--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: sandisadie Date: March 3, 2024, 3:05 pm
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If this was me, I'd sent out a blanket message to everyone that
I usually host on these holidays telling them that you have
decided to step down from hosting. It's time for some of the
younger members to do the hosting starting with this year's
celebrations. I can imagine that you will be asked to explain.
So you could just confess that you have gotten old and tired
and want to be a guest from now on. Just kidding! I'm sure you
can come up with some answers, because you know your guests.
Everything has to have an ending sometime. Hosting should be
fun, not a burden.
#Post#: 81006--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: Rose Red Date: March 3, 2024, 7:16 pm
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Do you still want the parties at your house or you don't care if
it's at someone else's? If you don't care, perhaps send out a
mass email with something like: "It is time for me to pass the
baton for holiday parties. It has been wonderful all these
years, but I will no longer be hosting. Please let me know if
anyone will host this year and I will bring a side dish. Love,
Chigger."
If you're 60, you must have been hosting for decades. You
deserve to retire from this job and just sit back and relax and
let someone else pay and prep. If nobody steps up, enjoy the
peace and quiet. If you want, have a smaller gathering with no
apologies. Ask everyone to chip in for a pot luck or a catered
meal.
#Post#: 81007--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: Rho Date: March 3, 2024, 9:19 pm
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Are your guests the type to be open to you e-mailing everyone
and explaining that it is beyond you to host anymore. You will
open your house, set the table, let someone in to cook their
provided main dish in your oven, and who will be bring it? Who
will be bringing what side dish? Who will be bringing
beverages? etc etc.
-I had friends who hosted New Years Eve party for years and
years. The parties were getting stale and boring. Then friends
sent out the word that they were getting ready to retire and NYE
parties would not be happening anymore. No one stepped up.
#Post#: 81008--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: Aleko Date: March 4, 2024, 2:17 am
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[quote]I had friends who hosted New Years Eve party for years
and years. The parties were getting stale and boring. Then
friends sent out the word that they were getting ready to retire
and NYE parties would not be happening anymore. No one stepped
up. [/quote]
This plays in to what I was about to say: it’s quite possible
that some at least of these people (perhaps the same ones that
Chigger doesn’t want to keep hosting because they aren’t social
and don’t bring presents?) don’t particularly want to spend
Thanksgiving at her house at all, but don’t like to refuse
because it’s Her Thing and they don’t want to hurt her feelings
and seem to be rejecting the family tradition. Others might
want to help out but fear offending her by suggesting she needs
help with the catering! Still others might be keen to step up
and host it themselves.
Even cherished traditions can get stale and inconvenient.
Chigger, I think there’s everything to be said for you
announcing in a perfectly neutral way - i.e. no suggestion that
‘I’m fed up of working my fingers to the bone for all you idle
and ungrateful lot’ - that you’re no longer going to do the Big
Family Bash as before. Then sit back and see how the cookie
crumbles. You might well find that the relatives you don’t like
are actually happy to be off the hook and ‘allowed’ to take
themselves off to their in-laws for these holidays or just
celebrate them at home. Another household may volunteer to
invite everyone; or maybe everyone who really enjoys your
holiday get-togethers will offer to bring dishes and do work if
only you’ll keep inviting.
#Post#: 81009--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: oogyda Date: March 4, 2024, 6:28 am
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It's difficult to change the way things are "always done".
Often it's because we don't want to disappoint people and it
tends to have a ripple effect.
Our holidays have had marked changes every few years as families
grow and move, children start school, older people become less
mobile, etc. Things change.
I have one family member who I think would love to take over
hosting any holiday so I would first discuss it with them and
just make the switch without explanation. Failing that, I would
inform a select few and just see what ends up happening.
#Post#: 81011--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: lowspark Date: March 4, 2024, 8:59 am
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First step is to decide if you want to quit hosting altogether,
or if you want to keep hosting but without doing all the work
yourself.
If you decide you don't want to host at all, you communicate
with the group the same way you normally have in the past for
the holiday updates.
Let them know you are no longer able to host and you hope
someone else will take up the mantle.
If you decide you want to continue to host, you absolutely have
the right to invite (or not invite) whomever you please.
For those whom you no longer wish to include, just let them know
that you will no longer be hosting "the family TG" or words to
that affect, then tell the folks that you do want to include
that you are just hosting a smaller gathering from now on, tell
them who IS included so that they know not to chat about it with
the uninvited. Then let them know what you will provide and what
you expect the guests to provide.
Holidays should be fun for everyone. My mother quit hosting
after my father died. She just said it wasn't the same anymore
and she was done. My sister and I naturally took over, and
settled into each our own routines about which holidays to host
and how.
No one is obligated to host forever. Just because "you always
have" doesn't mean "you always have to".
#Post#: 81012--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: chigger Date: March 4, 2024, 12:48 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2589.msg81008#msg81008
date=1709540264]
[quote]I had friends who hosted New Years Eve party for years
and years. The parties were getting stale and boring. Then
friends sent out the word that they were getting ready to retire
and NYE parties would not be happening anymore. No one stepped
up. [/quote]
This plays in to what I was about to say: it’s quite possible
that some at least of these people (perhaps the same ones that
Chigger doesn’t want to keep hosting because they aren’t social
and don’t bring presents?) don’t particularly want to spend
Thanksgiving at her house at all, but don’t like to refuse
because it’s Her Thing and they don’t want to hurt her feelings
and seem to be rejecting the family tradition. Others might
want to help out but fear offending her by suggesting she needs
help with the catering! Still others might be keen to step up
and host it themselves.
Even cherished traditions can get stale and inconvenient.
Chigger, I think there’s everything to be said for you
announcing in a perfectly neutral way - i.e. no suggestion that
‘I’m fed up of working my fingers to the bone for all you idle
and ungrateful lot’ - that you’re no longer going to do the Big
Family Bash as before. Then sit back and see how the cookie
crumbles. You might well find that the relatives you don’t like
are actually happy to be off the hook and ‘allowed’ to take
themselves off to their in-laws for these holidays or just
celebrate them at home. Another household may volunteer to
invite everyone; or maybe everyone who really enjoys your
holiday get-togethers will offer to bring dishes and do work if
only you’ll keep inviting.
[/quote]
Good advice! The weird thing is I've thought the not so social
trio would be glad to be let off the hook. I gave a perfect out
on Christmas, I told them a household member was sick and
"coughing a lung up" and if they chose not to come, I would
understand and I would drop off their gifts and some food the
next day. They came anyway (empty handed). Very strange. I don't
invite them for Thanksgiving.
#Post#: 81013--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: jpcher Date: March 4, 2024, 4:46 pm
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[quote author=chigger link=topic=2589.msg81004#msg81004
date=1709497361]
I'm nearing 60, and I'm tired. Thanksgiving is my busiest week
at work, but I host. I cook for days, and it really sucks.
Christmas, I host twice as many people, but I have the day off
and it still sort of sucks. My question is: when did older
people here stop hosting? Or when did you start asking people to
contibute to the function? I'm thinking about this already
because it's so hard for me. I just want to stop doing it with
part of the family, because they are not social, don't bring any
gifts, etc. I just feel sort of used, IYKWIM
[/quote]
I feel your pain. My home used to be party central. We hosted so
many get-togethers throughout the year, not only holidays but
other annual gatherings. I used to love hosting these parties.
But as I grew older, and work responsibilities multiplied, I
simply grew tired of being the hostess with the mostess.
What did I do? I simply stopped extending invitations about five
years ago.
I received email questions "Are you doing your annual
horseradish party this year?" I replied "Sadly, no party this
year, but if you would like to pick up a small jar of
horseradish let me know. I'd love to see you! Let me know when
you and I can get together." One person emailed me back, came
out to spend a very nice afternoon together with me, and I had
some apps prepared. Nobody else responded, so I wondered how
interested all of my past guests were.
The day-after-Thanksgiving feast has been a tradition for years.
The in-law family always celebrates Tgiving for two days. Sigh.
I was told (and it was) my turn to host the-day-after and I
simply said "Sorry, it's not going to happen. I'm going up to my
mothers farm for the Tgiving weekend. I won't even be there for
Tgiving dinner this year."
I didn't receive much flak-back, maybe an "Oh! We're going to
miss you!" but I still get invites.
All this to say, If you really don't want to host any more, then
don't send out invites.
Those that take up the gauntlet and invite you to their parties?
Are true friends.
#Post#: 81014--------------------------------------------------
Re: Doing all the work on Holidays
By: chigger Date: March 4, 2024, 5:12 pm
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Thank you, everyone for your advice and replies, I do appreciate
your feedback. I'm going to tell the one family that I'm not
doing Christmas this year, and if they get their pants in a wad,
so be it. It's a long time coming. I honestly don't know why
they come, because they don't really seem to enjoy the
gathering. They seldom reciprocate with gifts or even thank the
givers of what they recieved. My one child told me this past
Christmas that he would absolutely not be giving anything to
them because they never even give a verbal thank you.
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