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#Post#: 3863--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: May 29, 2018, 2:22 pm
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Well, now, I’m having a problem of this nature, but from the
other end. I know, both from others and firsthand, that Mary is
talking about Jane in a way that could be maybe, possibly, be
personally and/or professionally damaging. Up to now, I’ve
refrained from saying anything to Jane, because I don’t want to
hurt her, nor be a living embodiment of the Mark Twain saying.
However, what if, the story(ies) later have an impact on Jane’s
life?
#Post#: 3876--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Amanita
Date: May 29, 2018, 5:42 pm
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I think that potential professionally damaging gossip is a
different animal than calling somebody a bitch over a subway
seat, or talking trash about somebody's body or clothing.
#Post#: 3878--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Kiwipinball
Date: May 29, 2018, 6:03 pm
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--- Quote from: Amanita link ---
>
> I think that potential professionally damaging gossip is a
different animal than calling somebody a bitch over a subway
seat, or talking trash about somebody's body or clothing.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree. Also, in general, if someone who is known/considered a
friend is repeatedly saying nasty stuff, I do think it can be
helpful to share (especially in generalities). Because there's
something that can be done.
If I tell Amy that someone on the subway called her fat, there's
nothing she can do about it (she can feel bad or not, but that's
not doing anything).
If Amy's friend Jane is running around making fun of Amy for
being fat - I might share that. Amy could confront Jane, stop
being friends with her, etc.
If Amy's friend Jane was mad at Amy and vented about her once, I
would not share that.
If Amy and Jane are no longer friends and Jane says nasty things
- I likely would not share that (if Jane is making fun of her
weight or something, I wouldn't as I think it only reflects
badly on Jane; if Jane was spreading damaging rumors I probably
would unless I knew Amy knew about them).
It can be a fine line I think when the nasty person is someone
known. But there's no need when the nasty person is a random
stranger.
#Post#: 3885--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: May 29, 2018, 7:54 pm
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It's a bit like the "should you tell someone about a stain on
their clothing?"
What can they do about it?
So, if they could deal with it, you tell them. If they can't,
you don't.
#Post#: 3902--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Amanita
Date: May 29, 2018, 11:58 pm
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Kiwi and Toots, you both have the right of it- Telling me that a
stranger on the train thinks I'm fat, or that my style of
clothing sucks accomplishes nothing helpful, especially if we're
off the train and I can't do anything about it. It might even
make me wonder if you secretly agree with the trash talker, and
are using them to say what you think and get away with it. "Hey,
don't get mad at me, I'm just repeating what they said"
However, telling me that somebody I interact with on a regular
basis is going around talking trash about me, spreading rumors,
or whatnot- that's different, because I actually can do
something about it. I can confront the offender,choose to either
limit contact, or even cut them off altogether. What I hate in
this situation is when somebody tells me "Oh, somebody you deal
with on a regular basis is talking shit about you, but I
can't/won't say who." That's infuriating, because once again I'm
powerless to do anything about it. It's hard to do take action
if I don't know who to take action against.
#Post#: 3959--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: May 30, 2018, 5:33 pm
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--- Quote from: Amanita link ---
>
> What I hate in this situation is when somebody tells me "Oh,
somebody you deal with on a regular basis is talking shit about
you, but I can't/won't say who." That's infuriating, because
once again I'm powerless to do anything about it. It's hard to
do take action if I don't know who to take action against.
>
--- End Quote ---
Not trash-talking, but similar.
In high school, someone told me they had a crush on my little
brother, but told me I couldn't tell him.
At home, I said, "I know someone has a crush on you, but I'm not
supposed to tell." He pressured me, and my mom made me tell: "If
you didn't want to tell him, you shouldn't have brought it up!"
Both Mom and I made the point that my brother couldn't do
anything negative with it; made him swear he wouldn't treat her
differently, or let her know she'd been revealed. And knowing my
brother, I felt I could trust him.
So I told him. He went, "Hmmm. Really," and walked off.
Two days later, they were dating. They dated for a couple of
years.
Whew!
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