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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 3383--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Twik
Date: May 24, 2018, 8:23 am
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How about tell your friend, truthfully, that he either stops
this or bop you stop being friends?
#Post#: 3435--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 24, 2018, 2:03 pm
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This guy sounds really passive agressive. I don’t like him. (And
no, you can’t tell him I said that!)
#Post#: 3452--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Miki
Date: May 24, 2018, 5:04 pm
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> I have directly told people exactly that. I’m not interested
in having smack repeated back to me. I explain that there is
nothing I can do about it, so the information is not helpful.
>
> I like the saying “it takes two people to cut you to the core,
an enemy to speak ill of you and a friend to tell you about it.”
>
> Also “what other people think of me is none of my business”.
>
> So my advice is just tell him. And if someone continued
repeating hurtful things to me after being told not to, I would
distance myself.
>
--- End Quote ---
Now that I've just heard it for the first time ever, I do too!
#Post#: 3454--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: May 24, 2018, 5:17 pm
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--- Quote from: Amanita link ---
>
> Truth be told, on the train I most likely wouldn't have said
anything. The guy in question was a classless boor, why should I
care what somebody like that said about me? I'd save reporting
in that situation for really bad behavior. But if my friend had
told me something at the time, at least I would have had the
choice to ignore it, instead of being stuck pointlessly annoyed
on the subway platform.
>
>
--- End Quote ---
Actually, you already WERE ignoring it, only more powerfully,
because you were ignorant of it.
(ignorant means "lacking knowledge"; it's not automatically an
insult)
I would start pushing back every time, and make it really
emotional and person.
"Well, I felt good until you told me this mean thing. Maybe you
weren't the first person to say it, but you just finished his
nastiness for him by repeating it, and now I feel like shit.
Thanks a lot. Next time, keep it to yourself, or tell somebody
else."
"Ouch, that hurts to hear! Why do you want to help that person
make me feel shitty about myself? Are you on their team, or
something?"
#Post#: 3485--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Amanita
Date: May 24, 2018, 11:45 pm
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^That's a good perspective. I should ask him just what exactly
he wants me to do with that information, and demand to know why
it's so important that I know what some stranger I'll never see
again said about me.
"So some rando on the subway called me a bitch because I asked
if I could sit down? If I didn't hear it, and you didn't call
him on it then, why do I need to know now? How is that helping
me in any way?"
Or "Those bankers outside 277 Park Avenue were making fun of my
Goth dress? Why are you only telling me now that we're in Grand
Central Terminal? Why are you even telling me at all, since I
didn't hear it? Why are you making me feel bad now by telling me
this, are you on their side or something?"
#Post#: 3487--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 24, 2018, 11:55 pm
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--- Quote from: Twik link ---
>
> How about tell your friend, truthfully, that he either stops
this or bop you stop being friends?
>
--- End Quote ---
I know you don’t mean hit him first, then don’t talk to him
anymore, but that made me laugh.
#Post#: 3751--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Itza
Date: May 28, 2018, 5:04 am
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Something similar happened to me, at least once that I can
recall, with one particular friend when we were about 12 or 13.
We were out together and encountered a couple of lads
approximately our age. We'd never seen them before and never
seen them again. Nevertheless, we enjoyed chatting a while.
Later, my friend said to me, "I heard one of the lads say to his
friend, 'Ugh, you don't fancy the one in the beige trousers, do
you?'"
I was the one wearing the beige trousers and I was very hurt. I
was around the age where I wanted boys to find me attractive as
I was finding some boys attractive.
It was a few years later that I realised there was no way any of
those lads could have said anything. We were all stood close
enough together, speaking at normal volume, and none of them had
even whispered to the other.
I think my friend said it just to hurt me :'(
#Post#: 3804--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Amanita
Date: May 28, 2018, 5:08 pm
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Sometimes I have to wonder myself. I used to have a friend who
always invoked another mutual friend of ours when she wanted to
get her way. On one occasion we got together at her place and I
didn't have money to put in for pizza right then. (I usually
threw in a few dollars). Before our next get together, she said
"Whats-his-face says that if you don't put money in, you don't
get any!" Later on, I asked whats-his-face about that, and he
was gobsmacked, having no idea what my friend was talking about.
She could have just asked if I had money to put in, there was no
need to bring anyone else's opinion into it. Especially not when
she was making it up to try and sound like it had more weight
than it did.
To be honest, I've started to get quite suspicious when somebody
tells me that someone else talked smack about me, or criticized
me. Did that absent third party really say those things, or is
the person in front of me the one who thinks I'm fat/my clothes
suck/whatever, and is just using some anonymous other to deflect
blame?
#Post#: 3807--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Lizzard
Date: May 28, 2018, 5:20 pm
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--- Quote from: Amanita link ---
>
>
> "To be honest, I've started to get quite suspicious when
somebody tells me that someone else talked smack about me, or
criticized me. Did that absent third party really say those
things, or is the person in front of me the one who thinks I'm
fat/my clothes suck/whatever, and is just using some anonymous
other to deflect blame? "
>
--- End Quote ---
I totally agree with this.
#Post#: 3824--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Itza
Date: May 29, 2018, 2:27 am
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--- Quote from: Amanita link ---
>
> Sometimes I have to wonder myself. I used to have a friend who
always invoked another mutual friend of ours when she wanted to
get her way. On one occasion we got together at her place and I
didn't have money to put in for pizza right then. (I usually
threw in a few dollars). Before our next get together, she said
"Whats-his-face says that if you don't put money in, you don't
get any!" Later on, I asked whats-his-face about that, and he
was gobsmacked, having no idea what my friend was talking about.
She could have just asked if I had money to put in, there was no
need to bring anyone else's opinion into it. Especially not when
she was making it up to try and sound like it had more weight
than it did.
>
> To be honest, I've started to get quite suspicious when
somebody tells me that someone else talked smack about me, or
criticized me. Did that absent third party really say those
things, or is the person in front of me the one who thinks I'm
fat/my clothes suck/whatever, and is just using some anonymous
other to deflect blame?
>
--- End Quote ---
That actually reminds me of a different friend who would invoke
other people to criticise in front of me. These criticisms were
of things people were or had been doing. For instance, she
criticised her sister-in-law for stocking up on a food item that
she only just saw me pack a few weeks earlier. Another time she
criticised a person doing the same job as me. I had an online
journal that detailed the latter but the site closed.
There were other things but I ended up feeling like she was
using other people to indirectly criticise me.
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