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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 3203--------------------------------------------------
I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Amanita
Date: May 23, 2018, 1:02 am
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I've got a certain pet peeve, and unfortunately one of my
friends seems quite good at setting it off. The pet peeve in
question is this- I really hate it when somebody tells me that
they heard nasty comments being made about me, but they only
feel the need to share this info with me after we're out of the
situation and it's too late to do anything about it.
A couple of cases in point- One time, this friend and I were on
the subway, and I asked another passenger if I could have the
seat he was resting his feet on. (There were no other seats
available and my feet were killing me after being out walking
all day). Only after we got off the train, my friend felt the
need to tell me that the other passenger had called me the
B-word under his breath. Literally, what was the point of
telling me this? Since we were off the train, I couldn't report
the rude passenger to transit staff.
Another incident happened when my sister and I went to the local
public pool, and there was an obnoxious group of teenage hockey
players there. It was only after we got home that my sister told
me what kind of things they had been saying about me- I was a
fat B-word, apparently. Again, being told this only after we
were home did nothing but frustrate me for no good reason. Had
my sister told me this while we were at the pool, I could have
told the lifeguards, who probably would have spoken with the
offenders.
The way I see it, if some stranger who I'm probably not ever
going to see again says something nasty about me and I don't
hear it, then I don't need to know that it happened. Especially
not after the fact, when it's too late to do anything. If you
overhear some random person talking trash about me, either call
them out right there, tell me right then, or do nothing. If you
haven't the courage to call them out or tell me right then, then
pretend you didn't hear it either.
So how do I handle this if somebody does it? Or how do I head it
off entirely? The friend who has done this multiple times seems
to think that he has a duty to tell me these things, even though
there's absolutely nothing I can do with the information. He
seems to think he's being helpful, but in reality it's quite the
opposite- I can't confront the offender, nor report their
behavior to somebody in authority who can deal with it. I really
don't need to know that some stranger on the subway thinks I'm a
B word for asking to sit down, or that they hate my outfit, nor
do I need to know what some random idiots at the pool think of
my appearance.
#Post#: 3204--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 23, 2018, 2:18 am
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I have directly told people exactly that. I’m not interested in
having smack repeated back to me. I explain that there is
nothing I can do about it, so the information is not helpful.
I like the saying “it takes two people to cut you to the core,
an enemy to speak ill of you and a friend to tell you about it.”
Also “what other people think of me is none of my business”.
So my advice is just tell him. And if someone continued
repeating hurtful things to me after being told not to, I would
distance myself.
#Post#: 3205--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Judecat
Date: May 23, 2018, 3:14 am
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When I was a teen I had a "friend" who did this to me all the
time, even after I told her many times that I didn't want to
hear it. All the "information" ever did was to make me cry. My
mother stepped in finally and we discussed it as a hypothetical.
If someone was making rude hurtful remarks about my sister,
would I tell her? No, I wouldn't because it would hurt her
feelings. And then I figured out that if "friend" was really
my friend, she wouldn't tell me stuff that was going to hurt me
unless there was something I could do about it. I mean if Joe
in English class was telling lies about me, then yeah, tell me
-- I could go to the guidance counselor. But if some random
idiot calls me fat, what benefit will I get from knowing that.
#Post#: 3207--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: imc
Date: May 23, 2018, 4:36 am
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In both situations, it seems like overkill to go to transit
authority or a lifeguard to report someone for using the B****
word... I can’t really imagine what either “authority figure”
would do with that information. Confront the person?
In the metro situation, that person will be long gone before you
actually find someone to report to and they chose to intervene
and even if they did I don’t imagine a conversation going much
differently than “the lady said your used the B**** word?”
“yeah, so what?” “it’s not very nice or polite” “yeah, so what?
I need to be on my way, are you really gonna keep me here over
this?”
At the pool, a lifeguard might chastise the rowdy kids but it’s
still one person’s word against another’s so all it takes is for
them to say that they didn’t use the word or they were talking
about something else, quoting a movie, or calling each other
names and that’s that. The only way this would become at all
relevant is if the commentary was ongoing.
The way I see it, the only two possible reactions in these
cases, when dealing with complete strangers you’ll never see
again hurling barely audible insults at you, are to either
ignore the rude comment(s) or personally confront the person
being rude immediately. In this regard, I agree with the OP:
learning only later about the comment is useless and
unreasonably hurtful. So, like a previous commenter said, I’d go
ahead and tell the person reporting to me “that’s neither
interesting nor useful to know at this time, so if it happens
again please either react yourself, tell me right away or forget
you ever heard it and leave it at that.”
#Post#: 3221--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: May 23, 2018, 8:14 am
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Ask them what is their purpose in telling you this? If you
didn't hear it, you weren't harmed in any way. If they heard it
and didn't step up and defend you in any way, then why tell you,
especially afterwards? I would hope that it's not out of any
desire to hurt your feelings, but rather simply thoughtlessness
and so perhaps asking what their purpose is in telling you would
make them think a bit more.
#Post#: 3245--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Shores
Date: May 23, 2018, 10:55 am
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Real, adult friends do not engage in these types of juvenile
games.
#Post#: 3247--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: May 23, 2018, 11:06 am
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I agree that the best way to deal with this is to ask "Why are
you telling me this?" If they don't have a reason, they'll soon
stop the behavior.
#Post#: 3276--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: bopper
Date: May 23, 2018, 1:01 pm
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that is not a pet peeve...that is a normal thing.
If this is the same friend doing this, I would 1) "Why are you
telling me this? To make me feel bad? Please don't tell me
things like this because there is nothing I can do." 2) Stop
hanging around with that friend.
If there might be some future payback because of something you
did, then it might be good to know."The waitress said she was
going to spit in your food" but not "unreasonable person
putting their feet on a second chair didn't like that you wanted
to use the chair"
#Post#: 3287--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Luci
Date: May 23, 2018, 3:07 pm
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That type of reporting is not kind and is not necessary. Kids
are taught that in school now! Just remind your "friend" and
your sister that it is hurtful and you can do nothing about it,
so please don’t pass those comments on.
I also agree that it is a waste of time to report these
incidents. You won’t change anyone's behavior and the people in
charge have a lot more important things to worry about. Unless
you are actually being bullied, develop a thick public skin and
try to let it go. I know that is hard and would like to send you
lots of hugs.
#Post#: 3362--------------------------------------------------
Re: I didn't need to know that!
DIR By: Amanita
Date: May 24, 2018, 12:07 am
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Truth be told, on the train I most likely wouldn't have said
anything. The guy in question was a classless boor, why should I
care what somebody like that said about me? I'd save reporting
in that situation for really bad behavior. But if my friend had
told me something at the time, at least I would have had the
choice to ignore it, instead of being stuck pointlessly annoyed
on the subway platform.
In the case of the pool, the lifeguards might have done
something- that pool is frequented by a lot of small children,
so somebody using foul language regardless of context (insulting
another patron, quoting a movie, or joking) would be likely to
get a talking to.
I'm pretty sure that the place had rules against foul language.
Also some fitness facilities strive to create a welcoming
environment for everyone regardless of body type, so trash talk
from patrons is frowned on. At a similar facility, I know
somebody who reported bad behavior from another patron, and the
offender was asked to leave for the day. (The person doing the
reporting was in the military and the rude comment maker decided
to talk smack about the armed forces to them)
This friend wants to visit NYC with me some time, and I'm
worried that this could happen. Stuff like "Somebody on the
subway was talking trash about your outfit" or "Those suits in
front of that office building were making fun of you!"
He's just convinced that friends tell each other these things,
that he's doing me some great service by telling me every bit of
verbal diarrhea somebody says behind my back, even if they're
somebody I'll never see again.
I mean, what am I supposed to do with that information? Change
my clothing style, and wear only plain and boring things, on
some stranger's word? Go running back down Park Avenue in search
of said suits, so I can take my Doc Martens to their behinds?
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