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#Post#: 80026--------------------------------------------------
Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: LifeOnPluto Date: September 16, 2023, 1:17 am
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I have a friend "Mary" who always puts the onus on me to pick
the venue for our catch ups. This is the case even where Mary
initiates the catch-up. She'll text me something like: "Hey,
want to catch up next Saturday for coffee? I don't mind where we
go. Happy for you to decide."
I don't mind deciding per se, but here's the thing:
- Mary and I live on opposite sides of the city (nearly an hour
apart). She is a nervous driver, struggles in heavy traffic, and
doesn't have a good sense of direction. So any venue needs to be
relatively easy for her to get to. Public transport is virtually
non-existent in our city on weekends, so that's not really an
option.
- Mary is also hard of hearing, so the venue can't be noisy
and/or have lousy acoustics.
- As we both work during the week, and have commitments most
Saturday and Sunday mornings, Mary and I usually meet in the
afternoons on weekends. In our city, most of the cafes close in
the early afternoon on weekends. People tend to go to the pub
after that, but Mary doesn't drink, so pubs aren't an option -
it really has to be a cafe.
This means that I end up having to do a fair bit of research to
pick a venue that meets all of the above requirements. The
mental labour is real. Most of the time, I get it right, but
there a few occasions where I haven't. Mary is too polite to say
anything during the catch-up, but afterwards, she'll send me a
gentle text along the lines of: "Hey, it was lovely catching up,
but unfortunately I found ABC Cafe too noisy." On one memorable
occasion, I picked a cafe in an area with lots of curvy streets
and alleyways. Afterwards, she texted me to say that she got
hopelessly lost trying to drive back onto the main highway, and
ended up going the wrong way down a one-way lane!
I've tried pushing back on always having to pick. Last time we
caught up, I insisted that Mary decide the venue (as I'd picked
the last 10 times!). She picked a suburban cafe for a 3pm Sunday
catch-up. I strongly suspected that the cafe would be closed,
but decided not to say anything, and let the chips fall. Sure
enough, when we arrived, the cafe had already closed at 2pm.
Mary seemed genuinely astonished, and I had to restrain myself
from saying "Some basic Googling would have told you that"! We
ended up just walking around the residential streets instead.
When we said goodbye, Mary cheerfully said something like:
"Well, that cafe was a bust! Happy for you to pick next time."
Now Mary has texted me again, saying "Hey, it's been awhile
since we caught up! Want to do Saturday week?"
My response: "Sure! Where would you like to meet?"
Mary: "Oh I don't mind. You pick!"
Any polite script for how to push back on always having to pick
the catch-up venue? At this stage, I'm thinking of suggesting a
walk, rather than a cafe, as I've sometimes done in the past.
But even then, Mary insists that I pick the spot! (My city has
several lakes, hills, and numerous walking trails).
Am I being unreasonable, or is Mary? I really do feel like she's
pushing all the mental load onto me.
#Post#: 80028--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: Wanaca Date: September 16, 2023, 7:03 am
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If there has been a place (café or trail) in the past that has
worked, I'd suggest that every time and make it a tradition.
#Post#: 80030--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: Aleko Date: September 16, 2023, 7:20 am
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[quote]If there has been a place (café or trail) in the past
that has worked, I'd suggest that every time and make it a
tradition.[/quote]
Seconded! Just say each time, "Okay, great, X as usual?" If she
says "Oh, but we always go to X! Why not somewhere different?"
you just reply "Sure, fine, where do you suggest?" If she says
"Oh, I don't know", just say firmly "Well, unless you can
suggest anywhere you'd prefer, we'll go to X; we know that works
for you". Rinse and repeat every time, and either as Wanaca
says it'll become the traditional place that you two meet, with
no mental load on either of you, or she'll have to shoulder the
task of thinking up somewhere different.
#Post#: 80031--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: EmmaJ Date: September 16, 2023, 7:22 am
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Why not meet at Mary’s home? It would save her the stress of
driving and she could either serve tea or you could bring some
simple sandwiches.
#Post#: 80032--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: Rose Red Date: September 16, 2023, 7:40 am
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[quote author=EmmaJ link=topic=2541.msg80031#msg80031
date=1694866959]
Why not meet at Mary’s home? It would save her the stress of
driving and she could either serve tea or you could bring some
simple sandwiches.
[/quote]
I thought of that too but don't think it's fair for the OP
having to drive an hour each way every time, unless she likes
driving (some people do).
I think sticking to one meeting place would be best. That way,
there's no surprises for Mary and she's forced to pick if she
wants to do/eat something else.
My mom is like this. She refuses to choose anything so she
doesn't get "blamed" if anything is not perfect. The worst part
is she's so picky. It's exhausting and draining trying to be a
mind reader. I've taken to saying "This is like voting. If you
don't pick, you don't get to complain." She loves complaining so
she actually choses once in a blue moon, LOL.
#Post#: 80034--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: sandisadie Date: September 16, 2023, 9:51 am
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I really get very tired of dealing with people who won't "pick"
something because they don't want to be "blamed". I agree with
those above who say to pick a venue that worked for both parties
and just stick with that. Isn't the purpose of these meetings
to "catch up"? That doesn't necessarily mean it must be a place
with food and drinks. In the past I've always enjoyed going to
a place, frequently, that I enjoyed. It's nice when the
servers, etc. begin to recognize me as a returning customer.
#Post#: 80035--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: Lkdrymom Date: September 16, 2023, 11:45 am
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My husband does that all the time. He refuses to 'pick' but
then will question what I pick. If I push it back on him he
insists I should decide. Very frustrating because then I am
trying to guess what he really wants.
Either go to a place that she has liked in the past or tell her
straight up "You didn't like the last three places I picked so
either you need to decide or stop complaining".
#Post#: 80042--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: September 16, 2023, 8:52 pm
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There is a friend I used to work with, and we meet one or two
times a year. We live at least 25 miles apart, and after the
first few times, we have settled on the PF Changs almost exactly
equidistant from each of us. It works, and it's a no brainer. I
would pick a place that worked well before, and suggest it every
time. If she doesn't want to do that one any more, I'm sorry,
but the onus is on her.
#Post#: 80043--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: LifeOnPluto Date: September 16, 2023, 11:54 pm
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[quote author=Wanaca link=topic=2541.msg80028#msg80028
date=1694865781]
If there has been a place (café or trail) in the past that has
worked, I'd suggest that every time and make it a tradition.
[/quote]
I really like this idea! We did have a cafe that we'd meet at
semi-frequently, but they changed their opening hours, and were
no longer open during the afternoon. Finding another regular
spot would be great.
(Although sometimes Mary would say "We went to [Former Cafe]
last time - let's go somewhere else this time. Happy for you to
pick!")
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=2541.msg80032#msg80032
date=1694868012]
[quote author=EmmaJ link=topic=2541.msg80031#msg80031
date=1694866959]
Why not meet at Mary’s home? It would save her the stress of
driving and she could either serve tea or you could bring some
simple sandwiches.
[/quote]
I thought of that too but don't think it's fair for the OP
having to drive an hour each way every time, unless she likes
driving (some people do).
I think sticking to one meeting place would be best. That way,
there's no surprises for Mary and she's forced to pick if she
wants to do/eat something else.
My mom is like this. She refuses to choose anything so she
doesn't get "blamed" if anything is not perfect. The worst part
is she's so picky. It's exhausting and draining trying to be a
mind reader. I've taken to saying "This is like voting. If you
don't pick, you don't get to complain." She loves complaining so
she actually choses once in a blue moon, LOL.
[/quote]
Yeah, I'd prefer not to be driving an hour each way every time I
catch up with Mary.
And yes, I suspect Mary insists on letting me pick partly
because she won't be 'blamed' (if the place is a dud), and I
think partly because she can be a tad lazy when it comes to
things like making decisions and doing the research, etc!
To be fair, Mary doesn't complain. About 80% of the time she's
happy with wherever we go. And the other 20% of the time, she
won't complain during the catch-up, just sends a gentle text
afterwards to let me know the place didn't quite work for her.
#Post#: 80047--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend always wants me to pick the venue for our catch-ups
By: Lula Date: September 17, 2023, 8:07 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2541.msg80043#msg80043
date=1694926444]
(Although sometimes Mary would say "We went to [Former Cafe]
last time - let's go somewhere else this time. Happy for you to
pick!")
[/quote]
"Happy for me to pick? Former Cafe it is, then!"
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