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#Post#: 79638--------------------------------------------------
Cancer and family
By: JeanFromBNA Date: July 7, 2023, 2:04 pm
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Not sure how to start this, so I'll just ad-lib. DH was
diagnosed with esophageal cancer last week. It was a shock
because he has never used tobacco or taken a drink, is only 53
years old and in perfect health otherwise. Esophageal cancer has
a 5-year survival rate of around 20% for all stages according to
what I've been able to discover from reputable resources. I'm
terrified and heartbroken. I can't bear to think about life
without him. He is bearing this with his usual good humor and
stoicism, and we are trying to make arrangements for an unknown
future. He has an appointment with a surgeon oncologist next
Wednesday where I presume his treatment plan will be discussed.
We live with his 91-year-old mother. Mom is missing one leg, and
uses a power chair when she is not in bed. She is unsurprisingly
getting weaker all of the time. She also has had a couple of
strokes, and repeats herself frequently. Even before the
strokes, she was never the curious type, and had a limited
interest in and understanding of complex matters. She has a
glass-half-empty personality. Still, she raised her almost
complete opposite, the wonderful man who I married. We have not
told her about the cancer yet because we don't want to repeat,
"I don't know," to the same questions on a loop. We think it
would be better if we had his treatment plan first.
We have not told family yet because they might tell Mom. We will
need to tell them soon because it seems likely that DH's
treatment may leave him out of commission for a period of time
and unable to take Mom to doctor appointments. My time will be
devoted to DH, and we are both still working (I own a business),
so the household and the business still needs to function while
all of this is going on. We may need his siblings to take Mom to
her appointments. They live about 10 hours away.
We are both dreading the repeated questions, the admonitions to
do what we're already doing, to place blame on nebulous causes,
and the stories of whoever was sick and died 30 - 70 years ago.
I don't suppose that there is much to be done about that.
I am personally dreading visits from relatives and friends where
they will have to be fed, dishes washed and put up, beds changed
and made, extra laundry done, and the house kept clean. We live
20 minutes away from the nearest grocery store, so there is no
popping out to the shops if you forget something. I am an
introvert who plays an extrovert four days a week by necessity,
but my husband is a true extrovert, and people give him energy
and joy. I want him to take whatever advantage he can get from
wherever he can get it, so I would never deny him that.
Any thoughts or suggestions about how to plan and cope would be
welcome. I have a compass. I just don't have a map.
#Post#: 79639--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: Lkdrymom Date: July 7, 2023, 3:41 pm
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I am sorry to hear about your husband.
So your husband's siblings live 10 HOURS away and you will need
them to take her to appointments? How is that going to work
without being even more work for you? Is it possible for your
MIL to go to assisted living to take that responsibility off
your plate? I have had to manage the life of an elderly parent
all while working full time and raising kids. I couldn't
imagine adding a sick spouse into the mix. There just isn't
enough of you to go around.
#Post#: 79640--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: JeanFromBNA Date: July 7, 2023, 3:58 pm
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[quote author=Lkdrymom link=topic=2521.msg79639#msg79639
date=1688762460]
I am sorry to hear about your husband.
So your husband's siblings live 10 HOURS away and you will need
them to take her to appointments? How is that going to work
without being even more work for you? Is it possible for your
MIL to go to assisted living to take that responsibility off
your plate? I have had to manage the life of an elderly parent
all while working full time and raising kids. I couldn't
imagine adding a sick spouse into the mix. There just isn't
enough of you to go around.
[/quote]
We may need them to take her to doctor's appointments. Right
now, she doesn't have them frequently, but that could change if
her health declines further. We were thinking of arranging her
routine doctor's visits to be on the same week, for example. She
would rather eat a snake than go to assisted living. She might
have to go live with one of her other children if it gets too
bad. I hope that there's a lot of time between now and too bad.
#Post#: 79641--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: jpcher Date: July 7, 2023, 8:37 pm
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I'm sitting here, re-reading your post over and over, trying to
come up with an appropriate response. Absolutely no wise words
of wisdom are coming to mind. Nothing I say will help ease your
pain.
But I can send you huge ((((HUGS!)))) and supportive thoughts.
I do agree with your not telling family/friends anything before
you get a firm plan of action settled. Too many questions asked
and answered with "We don't know" can be very frustrating,
making you feel like you're not doing your due diligence, which
is something you do not need at this time.
Your (both you and your DH) decisions and actions for
appropriate treatments are intimate and not open to general
discussion. Some people might say "Have you thought about
holistic or herbal (for example) options?" or "I've heard about
this Dr. that does wonders." Try to take these
comments/suggestions as they are meant . . . kindness and
helpfulness. You just might find a gem in that rock pile of
thoughtfulness.
Otherwise respond with "Thank you for that thought. We'll
consider it, but I believe we're taking the course of action
that suits us best."
Thoughts about your MIL and informing your family -- Once you
have additional information/plan of action, please do reach out
to them. Ask if anyone else would be able to take on her care
while you're dealing with your DH's situation. You don't need
that added burden at this time . . . your concentration should
be on your DH and his care. Hopefully one of your family members
will step up.
Again, I am truly at a loss for comforting words, but sending
you ((((HUGS)))) and encouragement. Try to stay strong. (what a
cliche, LOL!)
#Post#: 79642--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: vintagegal Date: July 8, 2023, 5:52 am
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(((hugs))) from someone who dealt with a husband with cancer.
You have so much on your plate. I agree, time for someone else
to take care of MIL for a while. I would only like to pass on
something I learned (too late) from a friend who went through
breast cancer. When others start with the tales of "Uncle
Albert's cancer..." hold your hand out like a cop and say
"Please STOP. We can't deal with any cancer stories right now."
Shut it down fast, some people are just energy vampires in
situations like this. Same with the alternative medicine
suggestions (if you don't want them). "We're doing what his
doctor recommends." Repeat ad nauseum.
And I can't even with the people who will tell you, "They have
a cure for cancer, you know, but they are keeping it secret so
they can make money." You have my permission to kick them
squarely in the gonads, or least give them a dope slap.
#Post#: 79644--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: oogyda Date: July 8, 2023, 11:50 am
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Get selfish. Get selfish of your inner strength and resources.
Dole them out sparingly and prioritize them well.
It is absolutely time to make other arrangements for MIL. If
the siblings won't (of course they'll present it as "can't")
take on the responsibility, get her into assisted living whether
she likes it or not. It will be better for her, DH and you.
Understand that it will be perfectly manageable at first. Those
initial Dr. visits will be tolerable and those first 28
consecutive days of radiation treatments are doable because of
the good you will tell yourself they are doing.
2 years, 5 years or absolute cure NOW is the time to devote
yourselves to living your best life and focus on you as a
couple. And remember...............
DO NOT J*A*D*E
#Post#: 79646--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: JeanFromBNA Date: July 8, 2023, 3:19 pm
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[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2521.msg79644#msg79644
date=1688835021]
Understand that it will be perfectly manageable at first. Those
initial Dr. visits will be tolerable and those first 28
consecutive days of radiation treatments are doable because of
the good you will tell yourself they are doing.
[/quote]
What do you mean by this? Please tell me the truth.
#Post#: 79647--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: Rain Date: July 8, 2023, 5:42 pm
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If you lived near me (mid-west of the USA), I'd try to stock
your freezer and do some laundry for you.
#Post#: 79648--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: DaDancingPsych Date: July 8, 2023, 6:01 pm
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[quote author=Rain link=topic=2521.msg79647#msg79647
date=1688856178]
If you lived near me (mid-west of the USA), I'd try to stock
your freezer and do some laundry for you.
[/quote]
This reminds me of the wonderful friends who will say, "Tell me
what I can do to help?" Tell them. Even if the task seems silly,
ask. Not having to do a load of laundry can be so freeing.
Also, you may want to reach out to local churches, elder care
organizations, and maybe even home visit nurses. They may be
willing/able to assist with MIL's appointments and other things.
I'm sending lots of loving vibes.
#Post#: 79649--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cancer and family
By: oogyda Date: July 8, 2023, 7:26 pm
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[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=2521.msg79646#msg79646
date=1688847582]
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2521.msg79644#msg79644
date=1688835021]
Understand that it will be perfectly manageable at first. Those
initial Dr. visits will be tolerable and those first 28
consecutive days of radiation treatments are doable because of
the good you will tell yourself they are doing.
[/quote]
What do you mean by this? Please tell me the truth.
[/quote]
I can only tell you what my experience was in my own DH's
journey. With typical determination, he approached his
treatment with gusto. His job and coworkers made it incredibly
easy to schedule everything so he could move ahead quickly. I
moved with him by attending every appointment I could and
driving him to every radiation treatment. 28 working days in a
row? Got it. No problem. I can do anything for a month,
right?
And I did. But I would not have been able to do it as well if
there had been even one other person/thing expecting any of my
thought or energy. We cleared our lives for this period and
poured everything we had into it.
When things went sideways, I didn't have time to stop and think
about what do about anything as things changed on a weekly
basis. Then on a daily basis.
One friend said she was "praying for peace and calm"....I'll do
the same for you.
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