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#Post#: 79567--------------------------------------------------
What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pitfall
s
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: June 28, 2023, 9:43 pm
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Monday, I spoke on the phone with the man who mows my lawn. It
was rainy, and we tentatively agreed on Tuesday, maybe
Wednesday. Tuesday, he called in the morning, and I initially
assumed he was calling to confirm he would be out. After a
garbled greeting, he dropped a bombshell. His wife had laid down
Monday evening to take a nap, and she died in her sleep. He was
understandably a mess. I have spoken to him a few times, and he
is distraught, sobbing at times, blaming himself for not
checking on why she seemed to be taking such a long nap.
I don't want to be one of those thoughtless people that say such
cruel things, even inadvertently. What I have said: I am so
sorry. I know you loved her so much. I know you are the person
who takes care of everyone else.
Although she had health issues, I have been careful not to say
it was for the best.
What other minefields should I watch out for? (My sister and I
also gave him a little money to help cover the cost of the
funeral). Over the years, I have heard such horror stories of
people who remember the horrible thing that was said years in
the past, and I don't want to cause him any more pain.
Edit to add: Not that I am a thoughtless person, but this has
been such a shock (I've known him for years) and my brain has
shut down.
#Post#: 79569--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: Rho Date: June 28, 2023, 10:09 pm
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You are saying the right things so far. Wait for him to
initiate returning to lawn mowing. And do NOT comment your
opinion if it is too long or not long enough for you.
After my beloved Father had a fatal heart attack I attended a
meeting at the end of the month long period of mourning because
I was stir crazy to get out of the house. Someone commented
that she was surprised I showed up.
And condolences to you because you probably feel like you knew
the wife even if you had never met her in person.
#Post#: 79570--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: shadowfox79 Date: June 29, 2023, 12:54 am
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You've definitely said the right things so far. The only thing I
would say - and it may not be applicable - is not to tell him he
needs to be strong for someone else, such as his kids if he has
any.
When my dad passed away I was surrounded by well-meaning
relatives who kept saying "You've got to be strong for your mum,
she's lost her husband." Nobody seemed to consider that he was
also my dad, and if it hadn't been for DH I think I'd have ended
up by screaming in someone's face.
But it sounds like you're doing fine.
#Post#: 79573--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: Rose Red Date: June 29, 2023, 9:27 am
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This advice is not just for this person, but please don't say
"let me know if there's anything I can do" to a person in grief.
They won't ask because the offer is too broad.
If you're close enough, just do it or offer to do a specific
thing (walk dog, clean house, bring food, etc.)
#Post#: 79574--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: vintagegal Date: June 29, 2023, 1:10 pm
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You can't go wrong with "I'm so sorry". Where people get in
trouble is the phrases that are "supposed" to make the mourners
feel better. "They're in a better place, their suffering is
over, you'll get married again, you'll have another kid, God
wanted to call them home, now you have an angel in heaven" etc.
ad nauseam. Someone just DIED - nothing you can say is going to
make anyone feel better. I wish people would remember that (not
my fellow brimstoners, you're cool.)
#Post#: 79575--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: cymbaline246 Date: June 29, 2023, 9:14 pm
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When my husband died, one of my friends hugged me and said, "My
heart breaks for you."
One widower I know set up a calendar for the upcoming month and
when people asked what they could do, scheduled lunch or coffee
with that person, so he had something to look forward to. A meal
or casserole in a container that could be put in the freezer for
later would be much appreciated.
Maybe call and say you're going to grocery store - what could
you pick up for him?
#Post#: 79580--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: Gellchom Date: June 30, 2023, 4:03 pm
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You've gotten excellent advice from everyone here.
Generally, the less said, the better. The goal is to express
sympathy, so basically just do that and stop there -- that's
where people get into trouble. I.e., as others have said, don't
tell them to be strong, that the loved one is in a better place,
etc. Above all, don't tell them how to feel.
Don't talk about your own or anyone else's losses. Don't say
you understand -- you don't, because everyone's experience is
different.
Rose Red is absolutely right about not saying something like
"Let me know if there's anything I can do." No one is going to
do that. Much better, as she and cymbaline suggest, if you are
close enough, to offer to do something like walk the dog or say
something like, "I'm on my way to the market; can I pick up
anything for you?" But even that I would only do for a friend; I
don't think I would do for an acquaintance as remote as this one
is for you. It would be well meaning but I think it would feel
intrusive, and they would never take you up on it anyway.
If you are writing a sympathy note, here too, the less said the
better; resist the temptation to do any of the above in addition
to just writing that you are so sorry for their loss and are
thinking of them. If you knew the deceased, you can add a nice
little memory about them from happier days: "Whenever I see an
apple pie, I remember that wonderful July 4th picnic your mom
made"; "I will always remember your sister's warm smile; she had
a knack for making everyone feel welcome"; "Although I only met
your father at your wedding, I will never forget how proud and
happy he looked that day" or whatever. That means a lot to
people.
You have done everything perfectly!
#Post#: 79589--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: July 1, 2023, 10:21 pm
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Thanks for all the lovely advice here!
I met his wife briefly once about 5 years ago, but I really
didn't know her.
But I do have an update! He called me and came over Friday with
his neighbor. His neighbor owns a landscaping business and his
neighbor was nice enough to take care of Hiram's customers while
Hiram is putting together the funeral arrangements. Hiram drove
along because my house is a little tricky to find. While the
neighbor quickly mowed my lawn, I spoke with Hiram.
I gave him a big hug, and mindful of the excellent advice here,
said that I was so sorry and that I was keeping him in my
thoughts. I also thanked him for taking care of my lawn even
during his grief. And all of you are so right: I said I was
sorry, but I didn't try to add anything. I am thinking of
attending the viewing. Since Hiram is really the only one I know
in the family, I am certain that a brief visit will be
sufficient.
#Post#: 79597--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: TootsNYC Date: July 3, 2023, 9:17 am
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when my daughter's friend's grandmother died, my kid let me
know, because she knew I'd want to express condolences.
Since her friend and family are Jewish (and we are not), she
also alerted me that the traditional Jewish condolence is "May
her memory be a blessing."
I realized that this is what I have always written in condolence
card: "I hope you have many happy memories that can be a comfort
to you now, and when you find yourself missing her."
Gellchom is so right about not making it about yourself. I have
sometimes said, "It's so hard to lose a mom" since I have also
lost mine; I think a small expresson of solidarity and
commonality can be comforting, but it can easily go wrong.
#Post#: 79712--------------------------------------------------
Re: What not to say when offering condolences: help me avoid pit
falls
By: SnappyLT Date: July 21, 2023, 1:01 pm
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"May her memory be a blessing."
TootsNYC, thank you.
I don't remember hearing that particular phrase before I read
your comment. I think that is a very kind and thoughtful remark
to make. I may use it myself in the future.
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