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#Post#: 79380--------------------------------------------------
He is my ex, not satan incarnate
By: Blue Willow Date: May 31, 2023, 4:36 pm
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Whenever my ex is mentioned, a friend invariably thinks she must
make her distain for him known in some way--typically by making
a face and responding with a drawn out "Oh--" that is dripping
with disgust, no matter why he came up in conversation. I
think she thinks this demonstrates her loyalty to me somehow,
but I find it unnecessary and judgy. Okay, I get that you don't
like him --I don't much like him either anymore --but I've
gotten over him and you should too. Why give him any more
weight in the zeitgeist than he deserves?
The obvious solution, of course, is to never mention my ex
around my friend. However, he and I were together a long time
and he is involved in our children's lives, so it is natural
that he will come up in conversation now and again. "What did
you and the kids do for the holiday?" "Nothing much, they
visited with ex" "Oh-- [makes face of distain]" or "Where did
you get that widget? I'm shopping for one" "I don't know, ex
bought it 15 years ago" "Oh-- [makes face of disgust and
wrinkles nose]" When I remember, I try to edit myself and would
say, instead, "oh nothing much, they had other plans" or "gee,
I don't remember where the widget was purchased" --and leave ex
out of it entirely.
But that's if I remember to edit, which I don't always remember
to do because I don't often talk about my ex. I have double
checked with other friends for their honest opinion to make sure
I'm not one of those people who is always talking about exes ---
because in that case, I could understand the reaction from
friend if it were her having to listen to another round of, "oh
no, here she goes again, on and on about ex".
When I have called friend out on her reaction, she said, "well,
I never liked him." Okay, you've made that clear, but putting
him down doesn't actually lift me up, and after all this time,
the dramatic reaction appears to have just become a weird habit.
Friend and ex did not interact much at all in the past and
have no contact now. I am a pretty private person and didn't
broadcast all the breakup details to friend so nothing to hold
on to there.
Other than turning my ex into "He Who Must Not Be Named", any
suggestions? I mostly shrug it off, but it happened yet again
recently and has been bugging me.
#Post#: 79386--------------------------------------------------
Re: He is my ex, not satan incarnate
By: oogyda Date: June 1, 2023, 7:27 am
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[quote author=Blue Willow link=topic=2503.msg79380#msg79380
date=1685569007]
Whenever my ex is mentioned, a friend invariably thinks she must
make her distain for him known in some way--typically by making
a face and responding with a drawn out "Oh--" that is dripping
with disgust, no matter why he came up in conversation. I
think she thinks this demonstrates her loyalty to me somehow,
but I find it unnecessary and judgy. Okay, I get that you don't
like him --I don't much like him either anymore --but I've
gotten over him and you should too. Why give him any more
weight in the zeitgeist than he deserves?
The obvious solution, of course, is to never mention my ex
around my friend. However, he and I were together a long time
and he is involved in our children's lives, so it is natural
that he will come up in conversation now and again. "What did
you and the kids do for the holiday?" "Nothing much, they
visited with ex" "Oh-- [makes face of distain]" or "Where did
you get that widget? I'm shopping for one" "I don't know, ex
bought it 15 years ago" "Oh-- [makes face of disgust and
wrinkles nose]" When I remember, I try to edit myself and would
say, instead, "oh nothing much, they had other plans" or "gee,
I don't remember where the widget was purchased" --and leave ex
out of it entirely.
But that's if I remember to edit, which I don't always remember
to do because I don't often talk about my ex. I have double
checked with other friends for their honest opinion to make sure
I'm not one of those people who is always talking about exes ---
because in that case, I could understand the reaction from
friend if it were her having to listen to another round of, "oh
no, here she goes again, on and on about ex".
When I have called friend out on her reaction, she said, "well,
I never liked him." Okay, you've made that clear, but putting
him down doesn't actually lift me up, and after all this time,
the dramatic reaction appears to have just become a weird habit.
Friend and ex did not interact much at all in the past and
have no contact now. I am a pretty private person and didn't
broadcast all the breakup details to friend so nothing to hold
on to there.
Other than turning my ex into "He Who Must Not Be Named", any
suggestions? I mostly shrug it off, but it happened yet again
recently and has been bugging me.
[/quote]
Have you told her what you've said here? Particularly, the
bolded sentence?
While I don't think you should "edit" your time with friend just
for this, maybe it's time to really think about what she
contributes to the friendship. Does she lift you up in other
ways? Is she generally a positive addition to your life, or
negative?
#Post#: 79388--------------------------------------------------
Re: He is my ex, not satan incarnate
By: Aleko Date: June 1, 2023, 9:52 am
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[quote]Have you told her what you've said here? Particularly,
the bolded sentence?
While I don't think you should "edit" your time with friend just
for this, maybe it's time to really think about what she
contributes to the friendship. Does she lift you up in other
ways? Is she generally a positive addition to your life, or
negative? [/quote]
Seconded.
Also: saying 'Well, I never liked him' inescapably implies that
her judgement was better than yours. This is neither kind nor
helpful, and if she really is a good friend you should be able
to point this out and ask her not to go on rubbing it in.
#Post#: 79390--------------------------------------------------
Re: He is my ex, not satan incarnate
By: TootsNYC Date: June 1, 2023, 2:11 pm
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also, have you directly said, "Please don't do it anymore. It's
really unpleasant for me."
I also think that people deserve to know when the things they're
doing might damage the friendship, and I might say:"When you do
that, it makes me not want to talk to you anymore. We've been
friends a long time--I hope you'd value that more than this face
you keep making."
Oh, tell her it's unattractive, that it makes her look fat. And
sour.
#Post#: 79409--------------------------------------------------
Re: He is my ex, not satan incarnate
By: Gellchom Date: June 3, 2023, 6:04 am
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I think I’d say something like, “Mary, I know you’re trying to
be supportive of me when you react negatively every time Ex’s
name is mentioned. That’s sweet of you, and I appreciate it:
you are a good friend. Probably that’s exactly what a lot of
people would want. But for some reason, to me, it doesn’t feel
supportive, it just sort of cranks up the negativity rather than
reducing it. I’d appreciate it if you’d try not to do it.”
Pretty much what’s already been said, but with the addition of
acknowledging her loyalty and good intentions. Even if that
isn’t really her motive, it won’t hurt to act as though it were,
and I think it will help her save face and in any case sweeten
the medicine.
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