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#Post#: 78863--------------------------------------------------
Visiting Adult "children"
By: Rain Date: March 5, 2023, 4:46 pm
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I'm going to be visiting my kid (he's single) for a long weekend
later this month.
What are good things to remember so that I don't treat him as a
non-adult?
I usually good a good job, but last time I fed some meat to his
cats without checking first. He was not upset, but I should
have checked first.
I also may be house sitting for him this summer when he's gone
on a trip.
#Post#: 78869--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: sandisadie Date: March 5, 2023, 6:25 pm
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Whenever I visited my daughter and her family I always took the
attitude that I was visiting in the home of a good friend. That
allowed me to remember that I was a guest and didn't have the
right to do or say whatever I wanted to; or act like a parent.
Occasionally that was hard to do though. Overall, my visits
were great! I don't visit anymore because we now all live in
the same house.
#Post#: 78882--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: jpcher Date: March 6, 2023, 3:16 pm
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I agree with sandisadie.
Remember that he is the host and treat him as such. This is an
opportunity for him to show you how grown up he actually is. You
might be pleasantly surprised (and proud) of how he handles
hosting his guests.
I remember when I visited my DD#1 for the first time after she
moved out (at her college dorm) I did have to stop myself from
being "Mommy." There wasn't anything in particular that I can
remember but there was that strong thought that I'm on her turf
now. She's the boss (host).
10+ years later it's a pleasure to visit my DD#1 and her DH.
They always make me feel more than welcome, comfortable, and are
accommodating, which is what a good host should do.
I do give myself an internal small pat on the back, because,
after all, DD#1 learned her hosting skills from me. ;)
And (this probably goes without saying) thank him, tell him how
much you enjoyed the visit and let him know you appreciate him.
#Post#: 78883--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: bopper Date: March 6, 2023, 10:20 pm
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Don't reorganize things because you think it would be better
Be careful about asking about cleaning... you may be trying to
be helpful but they may think it is commenting on their
cleanliness.
Try to recognize their schedules...If they sleep in on the
weekend, have something that you can do to amuse yourself.
#Post#: 78884--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: Bada Date: March 6, 2023, 10:21 pm
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Don't be my mom...
Don't "suggest" that my normal bath towels that i left for her
to use should be replaced and then hand me towels at the store
and say these would be the perfect guest towels and I need to
buy them.
Don't turn up your nose at things I do differently, like using
a sponge instead of a rag or using plain Greek yogurt as a
healthy substitute for sour cream (it's quite good) .
Don't take over the kitchen to make lunch for yourself and my
dad and then, as an afterthought, say there's enough for me too
and I should join them. Or force me to stop at the store because
you absolutely have go have a sweet potato with the dinner I
planned and then magnanimously offer me the other half (when I
hate it prepared that way). Don't stop at the grocery store to
buy your own food when I already asked what you wanted and went
to three stores to get it all.
Don't sit on the couch playing sodoku while my kids want to play
with you. Don't randomly nap when you're only going to be there
for a super short time.
/end rant...though I could probably think of more with a bit of
thought.
#Post#: 78888--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: Rain Date: March 7, 2023, 10:24 am
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I have asked before if I would be overstepping to do blank?
#Post#: 78889--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: lowspark Date: March 7, 2023, 11:29 am
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[quote author=sandisadie link=topic=2469.msg78869#msg78869
date=1678062332]
Whenever I visited my daughter and her family I always took the
attitude that I was visiting in the home of a good friend.
[/quote]
This. Exactly this.
Don't do or say anything you wouldn't do or say if you were
visiting a friend. Including invading his privacy, giving
unsolicited advice, criticizing anything, taking over chores
without being asked, etc.
On the other hand, do do things you would do or say if you were
visiting a friend. Compliment something in the home, offer to
help (but accept "no" for an answer), relax and engage in
friendly conversation.
#Post#: 78891--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: TootsNYC Date: March 8, 2023, 10:44 am
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My mom asked my SisIL, "How do you load your dishwasher?"
I think that was emblematic of how she approached visiting her
grown children.
This is your house; how do you do things?
Offer, don't do ("I could sweep up that flour that got spilled
on the floor; what do you use to do that?"--so I could tell her
there's a hand vac, or a whisk broom)
Don't put dishes away unless you're certain.
My mom also would say things like, "That's a really clever way
to use that bump-out in your cabinet." She'd compliment things,
especially if they were something I'd had a hand in (like that
solution; it wasn't my bump-out, but I was the one who set the
knife sharpener on it).
I think that saying those things out loud was a way to remind
herself whose territory it was. But it was also a way to
verbally demonstrate to me that she was acknowledging and
valuing that it was my turf, and so if she did overstep (like
getting out the whisk broom for the flour), it didn't feel like
she was trying to take over or pass judgment.
#Post#: 78892--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: TootsNYC Date: March 8, 2023, 10:45 am
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[quote author=Rain link=topic=2469.msg78888#msg78888
date=1678206260]
I have asked before if I would be overstepping to do blank?
[/quote]
I might skip the word "overstepping" and instead say what you'd
say to a friend:
"I can wipe that up if you like; what do you usually use?"
"would you like me to prep the salad?"
#Post#: 78896--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Adult "children"
By: LifeOnPluto Date: March 9, 2023, 5:33 am
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- Don't criticise your child's decor - especially if it's
something trivial and/or labour-intensive to replace. For
example: "Your bathroom tiles are too small and outdated - you
need bigger ones!"
- On a similar note, don't sweat the small stuff. If you think
your child's fruit bowl is too small, or their salt and pepper
shakers are "ugly", please keep it to yourself.
- Please refrain from taking passive-aggressive actions such as
leaving the Yellow Pages open on the "bathroom tilers" page,
with several companies circled. Or buying a larger fruit bowl,
unasked.
- Don't insist on "helping" with the cooking, unless asked.
Especially if your child has a small kitchen.
- Make yourself at home, but don't take over the entire house -
that is, leaving your stuff all over every surface of the living
room.
- Don't suggest that your child needs to buy a house in a
"better neighbourhood", especially if they live in a city where
the cost of a house is more than 10 times the average wage.
- If your child is working from home, do not (a) barge into
their study when they are on a video call - unless it's an
emergency. Your inability to figure out how to delete a text
message from your phone is not an emergency; (b) sweep or vacuum
in the same room when they are trying to concentrate.
- If it's winter, do not go for a 30 minute power walk wearing
four layers, re-enter the house, and "suggest" that the heating
needs to be turned off because you are feeling warm (take a
layer off instead).
(Why yes, I am speaking from personal experience here!)
In all seriousness OP, I think you'll be fine. You sound like a
kind and considerate person. Enjoy the visit with your son!
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