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#Post#: 78309--------------------------------------------------
Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: Bada Date: January 7, 2023, 11:46 pm
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tl:dr: When is a child old enough to leave at a birthday party
unattended and how does this change based on location? How would
you word an invitation to ensure that a parent did stay at the
party?
Today we hosted a mini-birthday party for my 6 year old, just a
couple of his classmates running around at an indoor play place.
I have NEVER met any of these kids or their parents (we were in
the same room twice at the beginning of the school year but I
never interacted with any of them personally). So these are
literal strangers to me. The play place is large, there must
have been over 75 kids there doing the various activities.
Parents have to sign a liability waiver for their kids to get in
(I signed it a while back, I can't recall if it says parents
have to stay or not).
One mom showed up with her son an hour after the start of the
party (no big deal ultimately since they were all just running
around and I'd said we'd order pizza after we'd been there for a
little bit but that we hadn't bought a formal party
package--though, honestly, I was really stressed out that 1 of
the 3 kids we'd invited and paid for seemed like he wasn't going
to show or even contact me to apologize for something coming up
since I re-confirmed the event on Wednesday!). I put the
wristband on her son and she said "OK, I'll be sitting out in
the parking lot!" and turned to leave.
My mind sort of short-circuited at being left to "supervise" a 6
year old (possibly 5, depending on when his birthday is) I'd
never met before in a giant playplace. I insisted that I already
had her wristband (twice) and she relented and came in. I'm
glad I didn't have to get more forceful, but I was not willing
to take on responsibility for a kid who, for all I knew, could
have been a total hellion. I didn't even have her cell phone
number for an emergency (I only had her email).
It didn't even occur to me that a parent would try to drop their
kid and run in such a situation. I have another, younger, child
and I'd like to make sure this doesn't happen in the future. How
would you word a future invitation to ensure that parents stay
with their kids? And, at what age would you be comfortable with
a parent dropping their kid at an indoor playplace and leaving?
How about at a party at home where you've never met the kid? Is
6 old enough and I'm just too much of a worry-wart? It seems
awfully young to me when they're with strangers.
#Post#: 78310--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: Aleko Date: January 8, 2023, 3:46 am
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Well, it’s just possible that she’d had it up to here with her
kid and was seizing the chance of a peaceful hour in her car
with a book; but far more likely that she thought you actively
wouldn’t want a gaggle of mamas each hovering over their own
child (or demanding social attention from you), and was
obligingly making herself scarce, letting you know she was
available if wanted. My guess is that it just didn’t occur to
her that you didn’t have her number.
The only solution really is to think beforehand if you want all
or some or none of the mothers to stay, and tell them in the
invitation. E.g. if you know one of them better than the rest,
you could ask her if she’s willing to act as your assistant
host, and tell all the others in clear ‘just drop little Johnny
off at 3, and pick him up at 5’. This may not prevent some of
them insisting on staying anyway, if they are the overprotective
type (or, alternatively, all too aware that their little Johnny
can be a menace!), but at least they know what you wanted.
#Post#: 78312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: Bada Date: January 8, 2023, 9:47 am
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Thanks for weighing in Aleko, but you've actually answered the
opposite question from what I'm asking. I want to ensure
parents stay. I do not want responsibility for very young kids
I don't know. We went to a birthday party at this same place
last year (for 5 year olds) and all the parents stayed. The mom
asked people to RSVP with how many aduls and how many kids would
be coming. But to me that still leaves open the option to RSVP
for 1 kid and no adults, which I don't want. Although then I'd
be alerted to the problem and could address it in advance, so
maybe it is the solution?
To clarify the setup, there are tables all around for sitting
and/or eating. Parents don't have to hover if they don't
want/need to. This mom sat down with us while her child
disappeared, never to be played with even by my birthday boy. My
husband, who hadn't seen our exchange, commented that the mom
looked like she didn't want to be there.
#Post#: 78316--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: DaDancingPsych Date: January 8, 2023, 5:29 pm
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I'm out of my experience zone here, as I have never hosted a
child's birthday party. But maybe something like "You and your
grown-up are invited to DS's birthday celebration." Or you could
add a note like "Please plan to have a grown-up stay during the
party." Then when I include a note about the hospitality being
offered for the kids, I would also include a note about the
adults. Something like "There will be pizza for the kids and
adults" or "Entrance wrist bands will be available for both kids
and adults." Then when people RSVP, I would either ask, "Will
you be attending as Little Johnny's adult?" Or I would reply
with something like "We look forward to seeing both you and
Little Johnny".
I am guessing that it's sometimes difficult to judge whether a
parent should stay or is welcome to stay at these birthday
parties. I think that the wise thing to do is to be as clear as
you can about what your expectations are as the host.
#Post#: 78319--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: jpcher Date: January 8, 2023, 9:03 pm
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Great question, Bada! And for someone starting out in the grand
world of bday parties for young children I'd like to throw the
question back to you.
At what age would you feel comfortable leaving your child at
someone else's birthday party without you attending? Think about
it. Not being snarky, but if someone else posted this question
how would you have responded?
I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, but I've had many
successful bday parties while my DDs were growing up (mid to
late '90's+). So please take my thoughts in the grain that they
are meant . . . hopefully helpful advice.
I think the main important factor is what the event entails and
how many children will be involved. A mini-party at a play park
for "a couple" of friends? (3? 4? friends?) at age 5-6? At that
age? Think about keeping the party in a more
contained/controlled area.
When planning the party, set rules.
DD#1 was 5 when I started the rules. You can only invite 5
friends and we will host the party at your choice of venues. I
gave her a couple of choices and she chose the bouncy room
(which also had a side room for gifts and cake). Since the DDs
Bdays were only one day apart, it turned into 10 guests between
the ages of 3 and 5.
Have family and/or friends help host.
I was very grateful for the extra help at the first 'big bash'
party that I threw. Again, it was a controlled environment. Not
many parents stayed, because I had extra adult family/friends on
hand, and parents knew that their children would be well taken
care of.
This brings me to the true thought of hosting a party. While I
will not knock you for your actions with the one mother that
didn't want to stay I'd kindly suggest that if you weren't able
to watch/host additional children without "babysitting"
accommodations then you shouldn't have invited that many
children.
Plan the party that you can handle.
I told my DDs that it was on the 5's. Five years old, 10 years,
etc. that we can do extra-special parties. Which meant every two
(then skip a few) years.
Otherwise it was mostly a Party in the Park . . . or our back
yard. We live two blocks away from the local park. So I always
had some fun games planned (even Fear Factor style), or let the
children play on the playground. Cake and all that. Simple fun.
For the record, these were the best, easiest, fun-style parties
ever.
Be prepared to say "No!"
Just like you did in your OP. On a 10-year party for DD#1 (which
meant that DD#2 was 8) I rented out a pool space in a hotel.
One mother showed up with her 6-year-old in tow and asked me if
her younger daughter could attend. I said "Not unless you are
able to watch her."
Oh! The Joy of planning your child's birthday party! It can be
so much fun and a huge headache at the same time . . . Go for
the fun and easy, rather than the complicated, stressful events.
Get your child involved. Give him specific thoughts (that you've
already researched) . . . and let him be a part of the planning.
Remember that it doesn't have to be a BASH! Just a little
something that your child will enjoy.
P.S. I've always wondered what "tl:dr:" means. Would you please
enlighten me? Thanks!
#Post#: 78320--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: January 8, 2023, 9:25 pm
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tl:dr
Too Long; Didn't Read.
The Cliff's Notes version. A quick summary.
#Post#: 78323--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: QueenFaninCA Date: January 9, 2023, 12:35 pm
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Child is in college now, but I am trying to remember. I think by
that age parents usually dropped off their kid for parties. With
just a handful of kids, the parents of the birthday child can
usually manage supervision. For larger groups they'd sometimes
ask parents they were friends with if they could stay and help.
#Post#: 78327--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: TootsNYC Date: January 9, 2023, 2:51 pm
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If you want people to stay, simply and directly say it (to that
mom in person, and as you point out, on the invitation).
"Please plan to stay with your child."
and in person, I'd have said to her, "Please stay; I don't want
the responsibility of caring for your child if he gets hurt or
upset."
In a big play place where there are professional people and
direct supervision of the kids is neither needed nor possible, I
wouldn't want them to drive away, but I'd have been OK with her
staying in the parking lot.
And I'd have said, "Do I have your phone number, so I can reach
you immediately if he gets hurt or needs you badly?"
And I'd have wanted to have a convo with child AND parent in
which the parent officially handed up the kid to me (underlining
my authority), and in which I got to say to the kid, "If
someething goes wrong, you come to me, and I'll get ahold of
your mom right away. OK with you?"
It makes a difference where the event is.
A big professional place where the parents won't even be able to
see their children? I need them close.
A medium professional place, or a park or zoo, or a church
fellowship hall, where parents need to be part of the
supervision? I want them to plan to stay, or I want them to
directly ask me if it is OK if they leave and come back.
My home, where space is tight? I'm happy for some of them to
stay and some to leave; I can provide supervision in my home. In
my experience, some of them will want to stay and some will want
to leave, and it tends to work out fine.
Basically, I would say decide what YOU feel comfortable with,
based on the kids' ages, your own level of experience
supervising children (especailly in larger groups), the size of
the group, and the venue.
And then say it on the invitation:
"Please plan to stay with your child."
"Please check with me to see if I need you to stay; you'll need
to be reachable."
"You don't need to stay if you don't want to, but please be
reachable."
"You can drop them off and pick them up at X time; please leave
your phone number in case we need you."
You do have to think about it, as Aleko points out. And everyone
has very different comfort levels with autonomous children, both
as host and as parent of a guest.
#Post#: 78330--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: Bada Date: January 9, 2023, 9:36 pm
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Thanks folks for giving me some things to think about.
Rereading my email invitation, I definitely should have worded
it differently, using some of the phrases you've suggested, to
make sure the parents knew I wanted them to stay.
Toots' point about having a handoff conversation helped me put
my finger on a major problem I had with this situation. I
greeted the child and, as he turned to run away, that's when the
mom said she was leaving. So she never told this kid I had
authority and he should listen to me. That was definitely a
concern I had, though, since I had no idea if this kid was going
to be well behaved or not. And there was no set end time for
this party, because once you pay to get in, you can stay til
close. Since I have a little one, I figured we'd leave before
some of the group wanted to, so I didn't give a time they'd
have leaving (because that felt unnecessarily dictatorial).
With the mom being outside for an indeterminate time, it would
have been awkward for us to leave. I'd have had to call her
(except I didn't have her number), or like walked the kid
outside and just tell him he had to leave?
As for when I'd leave my kids alone at a party? Six never
crossed my mind. And things feel different than they maybe were
in the 90s. With Covid, and this being a new school, I've never
has a playdate with any of these kids. Pickup and drop-off is
completely no leaving your car, ever. So these are strangers.
I wouldn't leave my kid either strangers in charge at this age
(and last year the two parties we attended always had all
parents present), so I definitely didn't properly predict this
situation.
I think Jpcher was a bit critical of me for not planning a party
I felt capable of hosting, but it was really this or nothing.
(...I'm going to need to go through this and the OP to change
some details for anonymity later, so please don't quote this...)
My son has been tested and is Profoundly Gifted. This means he
doesn't fit in well with age peers. He is OBSESSED with a
particular topic that is far above his grade level and doesn't
interest his peers. This playplace is magical, though. When
he's there, he doesn't talk about his obsession and just acts
his age. We were hoping he'd connect with the kids he invited
in a new way. With the exception of this boy who just...didn't
even play with him or join us for pizza or opdning presents...it
went well. But I'll be better prepared for next year and
consider whether parents NEED to stay and what I'd need to be
comfortable with them leaving.
#Post#: 78332--------------------------------------------------
Re: Minimum age for leaving a child unattended at a party
By: Hmmm Date: January 10, 2023, 9:41 am
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As Toots indicated, we would always add a note that parents were
encouraged to stay to assure enough supervision. I would also
indicate in some way that I would be funding their food and
drinks. Something like "we hope parents are able to stay and
enjoy the fun. Drinks and food provided for everyone."
But even then, we would have instances where parents just
couldn't because of other kids, work or commitments but most of
the time the parents would confirm with me that it was ok to
leave the kids. I always had my adult ringers that I could count
on to be there to help out. Sometimes it was grandparents,
friends or aunts and uncles. Sometimes the parents of the other
kids.
The most stunning example I encountered wasn't even a party for
our kids. My DD was in Pre-K so all the kids were either 4 or 5.
A new girl had joined their class within the last couple of
months. We arrived at a house party for another classmate and DD
was super excited to see this new girl arriving with her
parents. They were letting the girl out and I walked up to the
car assuming the were going to park to introduce myself and
indicate I'd be happy to walk the kids up while they were
parking. Mom and Dad said they weren't staying, just dropping
off but it was nice to meet me and maybe we could catch up some
other time. I was a bit surprised but figured they communicated
this to the hosts. I walked the girls in who took off to see the
birthday boy and explained to hostess "Shellie" about arriving
with an extra girl. She said she'd only received the RSVP that
morning, that she'd never met either parent and was a bit
freaked that she had no way to contact them should something
happen. I went and asked the child if she knew her parents cell
number and she said "oh yeah" and handed me a slip of paper with
her parents names and phone numbers.
DD and the girl stayed friends for the next couple of years but
I was never comfortable with her going over to the girl's home
as I always wondered if they were properly supervised.
I think most parents didn't start leaving the kids at the party
until around 8 or 9 but some times parents hung around even when
the kids were hitting 10.
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