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#Post#: 78069--------------------------------------------------
Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: NyaChan Date: December 13, 2022, 11:35 am
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I’ve already declined this event but I’m feeling guilty since
I’m getting the impression that my family thinks I’m being
unreasonable so I’d love to get perspectives from others.
My sister had a baby this year and culturally, one usually
throws a party for family/friends in celebration. Due to the
pandemic, my sister’s wedding and first child’s events were all
either canceled or downsized. She and my BIL called me in
November to share that they are hoping to throw a party at end
of December for their baby in the big city/state where her in
laws live. I live a 6 hour drive from there, they live 2.5 hr
flight from there, and she impressed upon me that it was
important to them that I attend because her in laws have largely
not met me. My mom doubled down on that privately because my BIL
is his family’s scapegoat and I think he really wants to show
off that we, his new family, appreciate and welcome him. All
sounds good so far but here’s what I’ve been told:
1. they don’t know where the party is because the location will
depend on the size of the guest list and availability. Options
include her MIL’s house or any restaurant with
space/availability
2. They don’t know who will be coming. They called some
relatives, emailed others but haven’t gotten confirmation from
the relatives they contacted
3. It’s going to be a lunch on Sunday
4. It’s a holiday weekend, New Year
I was getting really stressed out. Like what area of one of the
largest US cities am I supposed to book a hotel in? When/where
is this party and are we talking 15 people or 50? I felt like I
was looking at a 12 hour round trip, 2 nights in a hotel unless
I want to drive on the day of or at night on rural roads in
winter, for 2 hours of social time. As far as I know, I wasn’t
invited to anything but lunch; my parents will be doing
condolence visits for a recent death and attending a wedding
ceremony and I guess my sister will be with her in laws.
I agonized over it because I love my niblings and I don’t want
to let my sister/BIL down, but a part of me started
getting…angry at the lack of info, the lack of awareness that I
might want/need more information to attend a party from another
state, the lack of effort to include me in their plans
considering I’d be there twiddling my thumbs in my hotel room.
I’ve let them know I’m not coming, but I am feeling like I’m
maybe letting my anxieties get the best of me or that I’m being
selfish. Would appreciate some objective views on the situation!
#Post#: 78070--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: random numbers Date: December 13, 2022, 12:40 pm
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Are hotel rooms even still available at this point? For New
Year's Eve? Less than three weeks away?
I would not go.
#Post#: 78071--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: Aleko Date: December 13, 2022, 1:04 pm
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[quote]Are hotel rooms even still available at this point? For
New Year's Eve? Less than three weeks away?
I would not go.[/quote]
Frankly, me neither. If, indeed, that party actually takes
place: if by the time all the RSVPs are finally in they find the
party will be too big for MIL's house, it will quite possibly be
too late to find a restaurant that can take them at such short
notice.
No, you're not being unreasonable in the least. Asking someone
to drive 6 hours each way and organise and pay for two hotel
nights, just for a lunch party, is a big enough ask in itself
that it behooves the inviters to send an invitation with all
necessary information well ahead of time, whenever it is for. A
last-minute invitation without any details for one of the
biggest holiday weekends of the year is just insane.
If you didn't want to refuse the invitation outright, you could
always simply say 'Sorry, I haven't been able to book a hotel,
so can't come'. (There's no need to claim you've tried and
failed; if you just haven't had the time and the will, then you
haven't been able.) Then if they really want you there it's on
them to find you somewhere to stay.
#Post#: 78072--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: sandisadie Date: December 13, 2022, 1:12 pm
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Why do they have to have this party at this time of the year
anyway? All the reasons already stated by others here are very
valid IMO. A spring celebration would probably have been more
suitable for most people who are being invited anyway. Many
people already have plans made for the end-of-the-year holidays
by at least mid November. I think especially your thinking that
a hotel room will be hard to find - not to mention driving so
far in iffy winter weather are enough reasons to decline to
attend.
#Post#: 78073--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: jpcher Date: December 13, 2022, 2:07 pm
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Since you've already declined (and for good reason), send an
awesome gift along with a note of apology for not attending.
Make firm plans with Sis and BIL to visit them in the near
future.
Maybe you could talk to your sister about how the plans are
going and possibly (if it sounds like a struggle to get people
to attend) maybe suggest a later date for the party? When there
is more time to plan a wonderful function . . . I dunno,
#Post#: 78074--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: Gellchom Date: December 13, 2022, 5:30 pm
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I’m wondering why most of these things are so anxiety-provoking
for you. Why do you need to know how many people will be there,
or what the venue will be (obviously they’ll make a decision and
let you know)? Or that it’s a lunch on a Sunday? The only
thing you need to know is where to stay. Where are your parents
and anyone else in your family staying? That’s where I’d stay,
too, or anyway that gives you the area. And if there are no
events other than the lunch, I know you know that doesn’t mean
you have to sit in your hotel room twiddling your thumbs.
I’m sure you have your reasons, or maybe you, like many people,
struggle with anxiety when things aren’t buttoned down. But
honestly I don’t see anything here that’s unreasonable.
I’m not saying you have to go! Not at all. But it just sounds
to me like none of these things is the real issue. Maybe you
feel hurt that they haven’t made you feel more involved?
Is there some part of you that wants to go? Your sister had to
downsize all previous events, so this may mean a lot to her.
Does it mean a lot to you, too, but you feel sidelined or hurt?
What will you regret more in five years, going or not going?
Rereading your post, it sounds like you might be asking yourself
these questions, too.
#Post#: 78078--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: Hmmm Date: December 14, 2022, 8:56 am
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[quote author=gellchom link=topic=2435.msg78074#msg78074
date=1670974221]
I’m wondering why most of these things are so anxiety-provoking
for you. Why do you need to know how many people will be there,
or what the venue will be (obviously they’ll make a decision and
let you know)? Or that it’s a lunch on a Sunday? The only
thing you need to know is where to stay. Where are your parents
and anyone else in your family staying? That’s where I’d stay,
too, or anyway that gives you the area. And if there are no
events other than the lunch, I know you know that doesn’t mean
you have to sit in your hotel room twiddling your thumbs.
I’m sure you have your reasons, or maybe you, like many people,
struggle with anxiety when things aren’t buttoned down. But
honestly I don’t see anything here that’s unreasonable.
I’m not saying you have to go! Not at all. But it just sounds
to me like none of these things is the real issue. Maybe you
feel hurt that they haven’t made you feel more involved?
Is there some part of you that wants to go? Your sister had to
downsize all previous events, so this may mean a lot to her.
Does it mean a lot to you, too, but you feel sidelined or hurt?
What will you regret more in five years, going or not going?
Rereading your post, it sounds like you might be asking yourself
these questions, too.
[/quote]
I have many of the same thoughts as Gellchom.
If you have a bit of regrets about declining, why not call your
sister and explain how you are feeling or your mom if you think
your sister wouldn't be receptive? Say that you are feeling
anxious about knowing where to stay and a bit anxious about
having 2 days to fill with just a couple of hours lunch to fill.
It very well could be that you and your parents would be invited
to lunches and dinners with them.
In your sister's position I can see where she is coming from.
She is putting out feelers to family members to figure out who
is willing and able to attend and can't really commit to
specifics until she has that info.
#Post#: 78081--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: STiG Date: December 14, 2022, 10:39 am
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So your sister wants you to commit to driving 12 hours + at a
time of year when weather is iffy to attend a luncheon that may
or may not be at someone's house, for which you'd have to book a
last minute hotel room at a time of year when hotel rooms will
be scarce?
I'd sprain my eyes with the eye roll I'd be doing as I replied
in the negative.
I can see how this would make you anxious. You feel like you
should go but logistically, it makes zero sense.
My brother did this to me last year. He let me know middle of
December that the family Christmas was going to be on December
30th (a weekday) and we were drawing names for the gifts. 1.
We'd already bought gifts for people. 2. My husband still
works, for a company that does winter snow cleaning. 3. We had
no one available to look after our dogs. 4. Covid was ramping
back up and we'd have to make at least one stop in a crowded
rest stop on the way up. (I'm immunocompromised) We decided we
weren't going.
This year? He contacted me well ahead of time (middle of
November), set it for a weekend, asked if it worked for us (it
didn't) and let us know that they'd prefer to draw names again.
1. We hadn't bought anything for anyone. 2. It wasn't a
weekday. 3. He checked with everyone else and figured out
another weekend. We attended.
#Post#: 78083--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: Gellchom Date: December 14, 2022, 2:28 pm
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[quote author=STiG link=topic=2435.msg78081#msg78081
date=1671035958]
My brother did this to me last year. He let me know middle of
December that the family Christmas was going to be on December
30th (a weekday) and we were drawing names for the gifts. 1.
We'd already bought gifts for people. 2. My husband still
works, for a company that does winter snow cleaning. 3. We had
no one available to look after our dogs. 4. Covid was ramping
back up and we'd have to make at least one stop in a crowded
rest stop on the way up. (I'm immunocompromised) We decided we
weren't going.
This year? He contacted me well ahead of time (middle of
November), set it for a weekend, asked if it worked for us (it
didn't) and let us know that they'd prefer to draw names again.
1. We hadn't bought anything for anyone. 2. It wasn't a
weekday. 3. He checked with everyone else and figured out
another weekend. We attended.
[/quote]
I'm glad that worked out for you! I'm sure your family was glad
to see you. I hope you had a great time.
With all due respect, though, the situation isn't comparable to
NyaChan's. Christmas is equally everyone's Christmas, I assume,
it comes every year, there are other holidays, too, and this was
(it sounds like) all just your family.
But NyaChan's sister's celebration for her baby isn't everyone's
equally nor does it recur annually. It's a major one-time
life-cycle event in her sister's and brother-in-law's lives,
evidently a pretty big deal in their culture. Importantly, her
husband's family, not just NyaChan's side, is also involved, and
on top of that COVID messed up her wedding and first child's
events. So a sister not attending is a much bigger deal than
missing a family holiday one year.
NyaChan, that still does not mean you must attend! Hmmm gave
you some very good suggestions. I agree that communication is
going to go a long way here.
You know, it just occurred to me that there may be events and
logistics that your sister and your parents each assumed the
other has told you about, too. I've seen that happen a few
times.
Bottom line: if you don't want to go, then don't; I'm sure
everyone will understand, even if they are disappointed. But if
you want to be there, don't let not knowing things you either
don't need to know yet or could simply ask about stop you -- nor
feeling slighted, which it feels like might be the main thing
here, although honestly it doesn't sound to me like they are
intentionally or even knowingly slighting you.
Oh, and -- congratulations on your new niebling!
#Post#: 78086--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this typical or am I uptight?
By: STiG Date: December 14, 2022, 5:48 pm
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[quote author=gellchom link=topic=2435.msg78083#msg78083
date=1671049713]
But NyaChan's sister's celebration for her baby isn't everyone's
equally nor does it recur annually. It's a major one-time
life-cycle event in her sister's and brother-in-law's lives,
evidently a pretty big deal in their culture. Importantly, her
husband's family, not just NyaChan's side, is also involved, and
on top of that COVID messed up her wedding and first child's
events. So a sister not attending is a much bigger deal than
missing a family holiday one year.
[/quote]
If you want people to attend events, you need to be considerate
with the arrangements to make it possible for the most important
people to attend. New Year's weekend in an area where there are
likely to be lots of celebrations and full up hotel rooms isn't
considerate, IMO. When we were planning our wedding, we picked
a date that was after school obligations for my nephews and
before big work obligations for my brother, as well as beyond
the time that weather could make attending difficult, as they
were the ones having to do the most travelling. We also made
sure that it worked for now DH's immediate family.
Nyachan, where do you parents live, in relation to these events?
Where are they staying? If it is possible to piggyback on
their arrangements, I'd consider it but if not? I think it is a
lot to expect someone to undertake for a 2 hour visit, where you
may or may not be able to spend time with your sister. It would
make more sense to travel to them at a more mutually agreeable
time.
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