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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 77949--------------------------------------------------
Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: Wetkittennoses Date: December 1, 2022, 1:19 pm
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My husband and I got married this summer and had a long wait for
our wedding photos (4 months). My husband wasn’t a fan of some
of the photos of him so decided to upload the ones he did like
into an album that we would then share with our guests.
My dad had been chasing us for the photos as he is seeing his
brother this weekend and would like to share them with him then.
My husband made two albums - one of the posed photos and another
of the candid ones throughout the day and sent my dad the links.
We then planned to send them to other family members.
However, my dad has beaten us to it less than 24 hours later and
shared the links with his other brother’s wife, my aunt (mum’s
sister) and who knows who else!
My husband and I are upset that we didn’t get the chance to send
them ourselves. I will mention it to my dad, but I just wondered
what other people thought? I guess we should have sent them to
everyone else at the same time as him, but we were still making
a couple of tweaks to the albums as the photos had uploaded in
the wrong order.
#Post#: 77950--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: Rose Red Date: December 1, 2022, 1:41 pm
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If it were me, I may be a tad disappointed that we didn't get a
chance to tweak the albums but I would let it go since dad
didn't do it maliciously. He was probably proud and excited
about the pictures. In my family, my parents are the main
contacts of my aunts and uncles anyway.
And I don't mean this in a negative way, but I usually look at
other people's wedding once or twice and just store it away so I
don't really notice any tweaks and just enjoy each picture on
their own and not as a whole. YMMV.
#Post#: 77951--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: Wetkittennoses Date: December 1, 2022, 1:54 pm
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Thanks, we certainly won’t be falling out with him over it, and
it is nice thinking he was proud and wanted everyone to see
them. It was just a bit of a shock for my husband and I
initially when my aunt said how great the photos are and we
realised he must have shared the links. Plus Google Photos shows
who’s joined the albums which helped us work out who else he’d
shared them with!
That’s a good point, I know a lot of people will probably just
be looking out for the photos they’re in to see how they look.
😊
#Post#: 77953--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: Hmmm Date: December 1, 2022, 4:04 pm
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I think it was wrong of him to share them out without asking you
first for permission and telling you who he would be sharing
them with. I would just include these people when you send the
link out to other friends and relatives.
Of course, you could also remove access to everyone and if your
dad asks, say you guys were fine with him having them but was
still refining the album and will regrant access when you send
the link out.
#Post#: 77972--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 5, 2022, 9:24 am
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I agree with Hmmm; your dad overstepped. And I would have this
conversation with him now.
I think it's worth bringing up and being firm.
You don't have to be angry, etc. (and I see you're not planning
to be), but I *do* think this is a boundary you should draw.
The things you tell him about your lives are not HIS fodder for
family conversation. They are YOUR conversations to have.
If you tell him you're trying for a baby, is he going to drop
that into convos with everyone else? If you have a fight and he
hears about it, is he going to mention it to everyone?
If you invite him for a 4th of July barbecue, is he going to
invite everyone else? If you check with him whether he's free
for Christmas, while you're still pondering your schedule, is he
going to make your siblings or aunts mad at you by telling them
you're locking in plans for the holidays without taking them
into consideration.
Plus: As you mention, he took away from you the fun of sending
the links out to everyone else, and that is no small thing.
That's sort of like blowing out the candles on someone else's
birthday cake, or biting the ears off someone else's chocolate
Easter bunny.
Tell him he was out of line, and that you need him to rethink
how he relates to you--you individually, and you as a couple.
You are no longer "his children" first; he is a bit player in
your life now. (was true earlier, but getting married simply
amplifies that)
That he is not to pass on ANY access you give to him. He is to
leave room in your own lives for you to be the bearer of news
and granter of access. Instead of crowding you out, shoving you
over and doing it himself.
Stress that YOU will be the ones to create and maintain your
relationships with his siblings--he is not to be the gatekeeper
or the engine of that relationship. And point out that if you
decide to not have as close a relationship with those people,
his role is to accept that and not interfere. (Though, you do
need to then step up, and NOT rely on him to manage those
relationships, as well.)
Point out the of course you may share things with him
first--that's normally his privilege for being your closest
relative. And that doesn't mean you'd share the same things with
OTHER people, because they are NOT your dad!!
Point out that he has created a situation in which now you are
hesitant to share anything with him--either as good news, as
casual conversations, or even as asking him for advice.
And so he needs to rebuild your trust in him, and prove that
it's safe for you to be open with him, instead of being guarded.
This is a time of adjustment, and it is a really good idea for
you to have this conversation with him.
#Post#: 77982--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: QueenFaninCA Date: December 5, 2022, 1:40 pm
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Lesson learned: Share the album with everyone at the same time.
Or if you need to share with one person earlier, make it clear
that they are not supposed to share with anyone.
I can't really fault your father. He might well have assumed the
photos have been shared with everyone. Especially as the wedding
seems to have been some months ago.
#Post#: 77983--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: Aleko Date: December 5, 2022, 1:47 pm
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[quote]I can't really fault your father. He might well have
assumed the photos have been shared with everyone. Especially as
the wedding seems to have been some months ago.[/quote]
I have to say that that would be my take on it too.
#Post#: 77985--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 5, 2022, 2:39 pm
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[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=2431.msg77982#msg77982
date=1670269248]
Lesson learned: Share the album with everyone at the same time.
Or if you need to share with one person earlier, make it clear
that they are not supposed to share with anyone.
I can't really fault your father. He might well have assumed the
photos have been shared with everyone. Especially as the wedding
seems to have been some months ago.
[/quote]
I instinctively sent all the thank-you notes at once--my husband
had wanted to mail the first batch out as soon as they were
done. I resisted.
I'm glad--because it took us a little longer than we
anticipated, and when they did go out, everybody read them to
one another!
All the aunts would call each other up and say, "Oh, I got
Toots&Hubby's thank-you note. So nice, she didn't just say all
the boring stuff."
and the other person said, "Oh, I got mine--she wrote 'Blah, de
blah.' Wasn't that nice?"
and then the first one said, "That's not what she wrote to me!
To us, she wrote, 'Yada yada yada.' She wrote something
different to all of us!"
And then they called some other people to compare wording, and
then they called my MIL.
I get that maybe Dad assumed it was ready for everyone, but I
also think it's worth a conversation to say, even if that had
been the case, it wasn't his to share.
At the VERY least, he should have asked, or should have told you
his intent.
And I'll also say that this IS a lesson in the idea that it's
important to be prompt and organized with these things. If you
don't get proactive and PROMPT about maintaining relationships
with extended family, your elders WILL do it for you.
#Post#: 77995--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: QueenFaninCA Date: December 6, 2022, 1:08 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2431.msg77985#msg77985
date=1670272768]
[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=2431.msg77982#msg77982
date=1670269248]
I get that maybe Dad assumed it was ready for everyone, but I
also think it's worth a conversation to say, even if that had
been the case, it wasn't his to share.
[/quote]
Wasn't the whole point of sharing it with him NOW in order for
him to be able to share with his brother? So why isn't it his to
share?
If you want to be protective of your photos (or information),
you need to have a clear communications plan and stick to it. I
work in (science) communication and I sometimes learn about
things that are still embargoed. So I know that I can talk about
it with my comms people as we develop a communications plan
(possibly write a press release), but I know I can't tell anyone
else.
#Post#: 77997--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette of sharing someone else’s online wedding album?
By: Gellchom Date: December 6, 2022, 4:29 pm
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I too don’t think he did anything wrong. You didn’t tell him
not to share the photos with others. Indeed, he said the reason
he wanted them was to share with his brother. Why is it a big
deal who shares the photos, anyway? I know you wanted to tweak
the albums, but really those tweaks are only going to matter to
you.
I think it’s nice that he was so enthusiastic about your photos.
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