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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 77287--------------------------------------------------
Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: ZekailleTasker Date: September 30, 2022, 3:54 pm
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I am a very very very very very very bad friend. This is going
to be a disjoined sob-story and I apologize. It's exhausting to
be the perfect p erson.
Today I got a shot through the heart because I have not sent a
birthday card to the son of my friend Jo.
He is almost 40 years old.
I do have a card for him. It's a belated card and I purchased
it knowing full well I was going to forget.
I received a letter from the friend, telling me that I am much
too self-involved, that I don't read her emails (I do, but I do
not memorize them, especially since she sends sometimes half a
dozen a day). I expect people to read about my woes, but I
never respond much to what other people say. Etc. Etc. Etc.
She's pulled this on me several times and it's like a kick in
the gut every time she does. She's right. I don't respond in
lengthy prose about her issues because beyond saying how sorry I
am and asking a couple of questions--there isn't much I can say.
There are four of us in this email group. I am the only one who
gets these butt kicking emails. It seems it's okay for Amy not
to respond as often as she should because Amy is going thru so
many health issues she can't be expected to reply. But Jo will
note things like "Even AMY who is too sick to do much of
anything remembered to send a card!" It's also okay for Beth
not to send a card because Beth has been sick and out of the
loop and her family's health has been a problem for them all.
So, Beth gets a pass.
I would like to note that Jo, Amy and Beth are all retired. Jo
has her son to help her with issues around the house. Amy is
unmarried, but she has dozens of relatives who pitch in to help
her. Ditto Beth.
I got no one as all of my friends are all sick or occupied with
their families. I am trying to do my job, clean my house, deal
with my OWN health issues, be a listening ear for several
friends outside our circle who are in problems up to their
ears.... and no matter what I do to stay on top of emails, it is
never enough for Jo. After all, I must have time to take care
of these things, no?
And then there is the balance of emails. If I send emails that
ONLY respond to what she has said, she is upset that I am not
telling her all kinds of information about my job (we all used
to work together). If I only write about my job, then she's
upset I am not responding to her. And if I try to address both
in the same email, well, then it's too long!!! Often she
snidely mentions that she doesn't want to hear about the job any
more only to demand information in the next paragraph.
I already feel bad that I cannot keep up with her doings, Amy's
and Beth's health issues and more. But is has also always been
ever thus in Jo's world. I get snotty terse emails I should
spend more time on the phone with Amy or I should go over to
visit Amy (even though Amy is not allowed to have visitors due
to the nature of her illness). Why haven't I sent Beth a get
well card? Why have I not sent a weekly card to mutual friend X
who is in a nursing facility for Alzheimer's patients? Why am I
so self-absorbed?
It has reached a point where I try not to write anything about
my own life because, somehow, my life has never been as
important as Amy's and Beth's. (Even Beth said to me once "You
and I only count as half as important as Amy's problems and
always will.") Of course, then the emails start with "What is
going on with [big work project/big creative writing
project/plans for retirement, etc] OR "You haven't mentioned
Sally Jane lately. You left us hanging. What's up with her."]
This last email just sent me round the bend. It was a long day;
I wasn't able to get any work done thanks to a parade of patrons
and staff through my office and the simple fact that the admin
here keeps adding to the managerial staff workload. Some of the
staff are sick or THEY have issues they want to talk about or
need to take time off for. At home, I am struggling to get hold
of the approved plumber and electrician for our condo. While
Amy, Beth and Jo have people to vent to, I am afraid to vent
because I don't know what I will be called out on next. And I
can't really vent to the people outside our group, because they
don't understand the issues a library has.
I've reached a point where I don't want to read my email because
I know there will be some kind of stringent lecture about my bad
friend habits.
I replied to Jo's email saying "I KNOW today is your son's
birthday. The card is in the mail. I purchased a belated one
because I knew I would never get a card to him on time, even if
I prepared a month in advance."
That was it. I wanted to say "Not everyone has the time to be
as detailed as you and not everyone can remember everything even
when they write it down. Give me a damn break, will you
please?"
But then I thought I would be on her level.
Is there something else I should say, or should I just ignore
(which is what I usually do with her because, good lord, I have
enough on my mind and my plate and my back without kicking
myself back and forth for forgetting birthday cards.
#Post#: 77289--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: lakey Date: September 30, 2022, 4:45 pm
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So, does Jo work for Hallmark, or does she own stock in the
company? You can either ignore her emails, or you can tell her
that you are not a child, and that you don't need to receive her
emails berating you for your perceived shortcomings. It's really
none of her business, whether or not you send people greeting
cards. Her 40 year old son is a big boy and I am sure he will
survive your not sending him a birthday card. Geez.
#Post#: 77290--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: Aleko Date: September 30, 2022, 5:45 pm
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Why the heck are you apologising to this woman who keeps abusing
you for not coming up to her not merely excessive but downright
illogical demands? Even though at least one of your mutual
friends has also told to you in clear that she considers Jo’s
behaviour to be abusive and unjust?
#Post#: 77292--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: sandisadie Date: September 30, 2022, 6:52 pm
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Maybe you should just take a little "vacation" from all of these
people and see if they notice your absence. Maybe that will
give them something else except themselves (or your
shortcomings) to talk about for awhile?
#Post#: 77295--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: Bada Date: September 30, 2022, 9:07 pm
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It's definitely easier said than done, but I'd try to get out of
this relationship (friendship seems like the wrong word...Jo is
not being a friend).
Can you claim you're doing an internet purge/fast/something and
that you will only be checking and responding to work emails for
a month? Something to get you out of this abusive loop. Because
you can't win with Jo. She is going to keep criticizing you for
everything because she must get something out of it.
My parents friends do NOT send me cards. We got a few random
gifts when my first kid was born and they were all passed
through my MIL. My generation (just about 40 yo myself) doesn't
really send or receive cards much. I expect my mom's best
friend to write on my Facebook wall for my birthday and that's
it. And my mom certainly isn't keeping score a out whether she
did or not!
#Post#: 77297--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: jpcher Date: October 1, 2022, 4:35 am
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Yes, Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours.
Like when you have plans to go out for a fun event but your
child gets sick, so you stay home. Or you plan on going grocery
shopping after work to stock up on things but a FRIEND calls you
to ask for help due to something dire, you put off your shopping
in order to help your FRIEND.
These are acts of kindness and should be reciprocated by any
FRIEND, although not expected, but appreciated when it's your
turn to ask for help/favor.
Jo is not your friend. It doesn't sound like she would come to
your aid in any way shape or form if you needed assistance.
"I get snotty terse emails I should spend more time . . . "
Seriously? She's dictating how you should spend your time?
"I've reached a point where I don't want to read my email
because I know there will be some kind of stringent lecture
about my bad friend habits." Abusive people do this. They point
out certain things and try to make you believe that you are in
the wrong. So now you're afraid of reading your emails. Jo was
successful in demeaning you.
"I am a very very very very very very bad friend. This is going
to be a disjoined sob-story and I apologize. It's exhausting to
be the perfect p erson."
ZT -- Nobody's perfect. Period. End of story. Trying to please
Jo is getting you nowhere, except in a bad place.
To me, you are a very good friend. I enjoy your posts here, have
been reading your stories (Stone Cold) since the last board.
Your travels through your work, becoming a manager, all the
upper management changes trials and tribulations, etc. tells me
that you are a strong, successful person.
Please cut Jo out of your life.
P.S. All this over a bday card for her sons 40th birthday?
Really? How ridiculous is that. She's the one that has issues,
not you.
#Post#: 77298--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: DaDancingPsych Date: October 1, 2022, 7:10 am
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I try my best to be there for my friends in the good times and
the bad. Sometimes I am on top of things... and sometimes I feel
like a complete failure. However, my friends see my true
intentions. They know that I want and mean to remember every
important day to them and to listen to every epic story they
have and to be that supportive rock for them. But when I miss
the mark, they don't shame or demean me for it. In fact, if I
failed to send a birthday card to them (not to every one of
their children. I'm friends with them, not their children), the
message that I would get would be "is everything alright?" not
"you are an awful friend".
If this is a friendship that you find value in and that you want
to maintain (and quite frankly, I think the friendship vacation
is a good idea to help you determine that), then I think you
need to have a very frank conversation with this friend and set
some boundaries and expectations of what you can and can't do.
And what reactions you will accept from them.
In order for me to allow other people's lives to take precedence
sometimes, I have to take care of me first. When I am in a place
where I feel that my best is accepted, THEN I can put others in
front of me.
#Post#: 77300--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: oogyda Date: October 1, 2022, 7:12 am
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I think it's clear that this is not a friendship at all. Her
everchanging demands and expectations are ridiculous, and you
know that. I'm not even sure they're valid, it seems like she
just wants to criticize you for not being a good enough friend
to her or anybody else.
Most relationships get lopsided from time to time. One person
may need *more* at times but there is usually some sort of
balance. Even if it is always out of balance and one continues
to give out of love and friendship, there is no room for that
level of emotional abuse. EVER!
I "get" that the 4 of you are a group and that you may not
feel like you can maintain a friendship with Beth and Amy
without including Jo, but it would be possible unless they
insisted on including Jo. Sometimes we all have to take stock
of what adds value to our lives and what takes value away and
remove or limit that which takes value away.
#Post#: 77304--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: Aleko Date: October 1, 2022, 12:31 pm
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Who here thinks that Jo’s son actually gives a toot whether his
mother’s friend sends him a birthday card or not? Even if he
knows and likes her?
#Post#: 77315--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sometimes OTHER People's Lives Take Precedence to Yours
By: Hmmm Date: October 3, 2022, 10:06 am
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Please think through any value that this continued relationship
brings to your life.
Who does she think she is to berate you for anything you have
described. She sounds like a very bitter person who misses
having someone to boss around so is laying all of her hostility
out on you.
My only response would be
"It seems our continued friendship causes you great stress and
anxiety by feeling the need to correct me on my actions. I think
it best we disengage. All the best to you and your family."
Then send a note to the other two saying you are happy to stay
in touch with the two of them but can't continue to be scolded
for what she perceives as friendship infractions. I'd continue
to engage with them on a regular basis and just cut this other
woman out of my life.
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