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#Post#: 77259--------------------------------------------------
Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: Venus193 Date: September 29, 2022, 10:20 am
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Last week a casual friend of mine committed suicide. She had
some mental health issues and a stressful job. I was explaining
this to a friend/neighbor who didn't know her and she was very
shocked due to the comparative youth of the person (she was
likely in her early-mid 30s).
I posted this in another forum, but don't have answers yet. If
you can think of something appropriate, I'd love to have it:
I am an atheist. I will be at a memorial service this weekend at
a Catholic church. A friend who doesn't know the deceased asked
me to say a prayer for her on her behalf. What do I say to this
friend?
#Post#: 77261--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: sandisadie Date: September 29, 2022, 11:47 am
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I would simply tell your friend that you are sorry but you don't
pray. Or you could just say ok and then not follow through and
offer a prayer at the gathering.
#Post#: 77262--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: jpcher Date: September 29, 2022, 12:50 pm
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I think I would (kindly) tell her that she can offer her own
prayers for the family. Prayer doesn't have to happen in a
church. You can pray anytime, anywhere.
I'm not Catholic, so I'm not sure if "saying a prayer" means
lighting a candle or performing some other ritual. If that's the
case, I would be honest with her and tell her that you don't
pray.
#Post#: 77264--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: sms Date: September 29, 2022, 1:48 pm
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If I'm being honest this would be something I would "white lie"
about. Maybe it's wrong but it's the kind of thing that people
might say rotely, not the sort of thing people follow up on.
So I see it as no harm, no foul just to say sure, I'll do that.
#Post#: 77265--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: Bada Date: September 29, 2022, 2:46 pm
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[quote author=jpcher link=topic=2408.msg77262#msg77262
date=1664473801]
I think I would (kindly) tell her that she can offer her own
prayers for the family. Prayer doesn't have to happen in a
church. You can pray anytime, anywhere.
I'm not Catholic, so I'm not sure if "saying a prayer" means
lighting a candle or performing some other ritual. If that's the
case, I would be honest with her and tell her that you don't
pray.
[/quote]
As a Catholic I'd probably also say the "you can pray anywhere "
thing because it's spot on (and less awkward) .
Catholics do use sacramentals, like candles, to assist in or to
augment their prayers. I tell my kids it's like making your
prayer last longer. So I light a candle, say a quick, silent
prayer, and then my prayer continues as long as the candle is
lit.
If you want to do something for the friend who made the request,
you could light a candle "for Friend's intention." To me that
doesn't count as you (an atheist) praying. It's more like
helping a person in a wheelchair reach something they can't
reach (the candle).
Do note that the candles cost money. You're literally just
buying the candle. Basically it's easier for the church to buy
it than for you to buy and bring your own. Small ones are
around a dollar and larger might be $5. There will be a spot in
the area for you to put the cash in.
But like I said, in your shoes I'd probably say I wasn't
comfortable praying, but that since she believes God is
omnipresent then He can hear her prayers everywhere.
And grab a prayer card for your friend if they have one.
They're less common than they used to be, but it's a pocket
sized card with a picture (often of a saint) on one side and
info about the person and a prayer for them on the other. Your
friend can use that when she prays herself at other times.
#Post#: 77268--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: Isisnin Date: September 29, 2022, 5:42 pm
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I was raised Catholic, but knew early on that I was an atheist.
Went thru all the education though, until I left home.
That said, I don't think "say a prayer for her on my behalf"
really means anything. You can light a candle for someone on
someone else's behalf, but a prayer? One can say a prayer for
anyone by oneself any time any where. I think "say a prayer for
her on my behalf" really is just a social platitude/just a nice
thing to say when one doesn't know what to say.
Bada's idea of giving your friend a prayer card from the service
is very good.
I can't imagine your friend would actually ask you if you said a
prayer, so if she doesn't, don't mention it. If she does, you
could just say yes. As an atheist, I do believe in good thoughts
and well wishes being prayer-like. Undoubtedly, you will think
of your friend's good wishes for the deceased when you are at
the service, so saying you said a prayer would be truthful.
If you are not comfortable with that, and your friend asks you
if you prayed, do explain that as an atheist you don't literally
pray, but you did think of the good thoughts your friend had for
the deceased.
#Post#: 77272--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: Aleko Date: September 30, 2022, 2:04 am
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I don’t think this is really a religious question at all:
because quite regardless of your faith or lack of it, this whole
request is way, way out of order. Bluntly, your friend is being
rude, inconsiderate and inexcusably self-inserting.
If she wants to pray for this person she never knew, fair
enough: but she can do it herself, anywhere or at any time, and
if she herself has a faith she must know that. She has no
business whatsoever to ask you, who did know the deceased and
cared enough about her to attend this service, to take time out
from your own mourning and remembrance to perform a task for
her.
You’re not remotely obligated to pray on her behalf, and
personally I don’t think you should, even if you were religious.
Let her do her own praying! It’s only a question of how gently
you phrase your refusal.
#Post#: 77276--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: Hmmm Date: September 30, 2022, 9:37 am
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I agree you are not obligated to do anything.
My response would have been that I'd pass on her condolences to
the family.
Honestly, her asking you to pray "for the deceased" on her
behalf makes me believe the neighbor isn't really religious
either. It's an odd request and it almost makes me think they
don't really get the phrase "say a prayer for me".
#Post#: 77278--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 30, 2022, 10:16 am
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I agree that this is something that people say without much
thought. This is the sort of situation where we don't know what
to say, because there's really nothing that can be said that is
going to fix things. So I think we each settle on a phrase that
expresses our concern and care. I am guessing this might be
hers.
I also agree that you are not obligated to do anything. If she
truly wants to pray, she will. I would take it to mean, "I care
about you and I want you to know that I wish I could do
something for you and your friend." So I would try to see it as
a kind action, but I wouldn't feel any need to act myself.
#Post#: 77280--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
By: Rose Red Date: September 30, 2022, 10:53 am
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I doubt she will ask for a follow up. I agree some people don't
know how to act or what to say when it comes to a passing. She's
just trying to express herself but didn't know the right words
so used something she thought was polite or meaningful.
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