DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Weddings
*****************************************************
#Post#: 77004--------------------------------------------------
RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: jpcher Date: September 1, 2022, 2:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I receive emails from Quora Digest, don't know how I got on
their list but sometimes it's an interesting read.
I was curious as to your thoughts from this question
"Should I reach out to my wedding guests that RSVP’d and
no-showed? I still had to pay for their plate. No apologies yet
either."
At the recent wedding of my DD#1 there were 3 people close to me
that RSVP'd YES, but didn't stay for the reception. There were
two other friends that didn't even show up for the ceremony.
Two were my sister and her husband. Sis has health issues and
COVID was a main concern for her. She and hubby did attend the
ceremony (fully masked and protected), sought me out said
Congrats and all that, but pretty much scrammed after the
ceremony, not wanting to be in a crowd, did not stay for the
dinner.
The third person was my brother. He came for the ceremony,
congratulated everyone and then was a no-show for the dinner
reception.
The other two friends? Blow them off as being rude.
Five plates paid for is a considerable amount.
But I'm wondering if wedding invitations/RSVPs should be worded
differently, as in RSVP to our dinner reception, instead of an
all-inclusive join us for the big event, ceremony/dinner the
entire experience.
Thoughts?
#Post#: 77005--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 1, 2022, 2:52 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
It sounds like sister and husband, as well as brother, told the
LW that they were not attending the reception... just too late.
They really should have notified the host as soon as they were
aware that their plans would not include eating. If my
relationship with my sister/brother was strong enough to mention
something, then I might. "I wish we would have known you weren't
coming to the dinner, as we paid by the plate." I would do this
so that they would think of it in the future before doing this
to someone else, as it could spoil a relationship.
If they didn't mention their absence, then I would probably
contact them in the same way that I would contact the friends.
"We missed you. I hope that everything is alright!" And again,
the strength of the relationships would determine if I would
mention the inconvenience of the matter.
I had always assumed that everyone knew that weddings were
expensive and exact head counts are necessary... but maybe not.
Many wedding invitations that I have been sent are making it
pretty clear that you are planning to eat, especially when I
have to pick the chicken or the fish! If this is rather common
or a concern, then I would think that I would word the RVSP in a
way that conveys that you are planning to attend the reception.
#Post#: 77006--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: oogyda Date: September 1, 2022, 4:39 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
20 ish years ago when ODD got married, there was an expected
number of "no shows". Basically, there was an established
formula for "no shows", "no answers" and "shows up without
RSVP".
They were pretty spot on. The "no shows" outnumbered the "shows
up" by only a few, so it didn't bother me too much.
YDD had a buffet, and it didn't matter at all.
#Post#: 77007--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: Hmmm Date: September 2, 2022, 7:57 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I do think the people who plan to only attend the ceremony
should reach out and indicate they won't be staying for the
reception. At my own wedding, I had a couple of elderly
relatives who notified me they would be only attending the
ceremony and I also had a couple of co-workers who indicated
they only planned to join for the ceremony.
I wouldn't reach out to anyone who no showed unless I believed
there had been an emergency. It's not like I'd send them a bill
for the uneaten dinner so there really isn't any reason in my
mind to draw attention to it. It might put a damper on the
friendship depending on who they were but mostly I'd just let it
go.
A nephew had a wedding years back that had a 4 hour gap between
ceremony & reception. They had on their RSVP cards for "Ceremony
Only" and then lines to put in how many adults and how many
children would be in attendance at the reception. (There was 3
times as many people at the reception.) It might be a good
option for other's who thinks there could be a few ceremony only
attendees.
#Post#: 77010--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: Jem Date: September 2, 2022, 8:43 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I went to a wedding once where the ceremony was at 4:30 followed
by cocktail hour and then (presumably) dinner and dancing.
Except the cocktail hour went until 6:00 and then they started
announcing the wedding party (pretty normal in my experience)
and then they did all sorts of dances and speeches and pretty
soon it was 8:00 (unusual in my experience). A little after 8:00
salads appeared at our tables (yes - finally!) but then more
dancing and speeches. We left at about 9:35 and there was no
indication that dinner was imminent. My coworker (it was her
daughter getting married) was irritated that we didn’t stay but
we were starving and had to get up early the next day. I wonder
if she thought that was a “no show” for dinner?
#Post#: 77012--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: Aleko Date: September 2, 2022, 11:29 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think it would be perfectly legit* for LW to say to
sister/BIL/brother, 'So glad you could come for the ceremony,
and I quite understand you feeling you couldn't risk staying for
the dinner, but it would have been helpful if you could have let
us know in advance'. Legit, but is it actually useful? LW
presumably isn't actually planning to dun them for the cost of
their plate - I certainly hope not - and it would only create
bad feeling. My advice would be to stay shtum now and just make
a mental note, the next time s/he's planning an expensive bash,
to get them to confirm that they really do plan to eat the meal
s/he's paying for them.
The traditional, impeccably polite way of smacking no-shows is
to write 'So sorry you couldn't make it to our wedding! Has some
catastrophe befallen you that you weren't able to make contact?
I do hope everything turns out OK.'
And no, in neither case does one refer to the wasted money for
their uneaten plates. Making it about the money rather than
their discourtesy and one's hurt undermines one's whole position
one sounds like a cheapskate, whining about the cost of a couple
of chicken breasts.
*It was of course also perfectly legit for them - especially the
health-challenged ones - to come to the ceremony but not stay
for the reception. All they had to do was say that's all they
felt able to do!
#Post#: 77020--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: Lkdrymom Date: September 3, 2022, 1:18 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=2394.msg77010#msg77010
date=1662126195]
I went to a wedding once where the ceremony was at 4:30 followed
by cocktail hour and then (presumably) dinner and dancing.
Except the cocktail hour went until 6:00 and then they started
announcing the wedding party (pretty normal in my experience)
and then they did all sorts of dances and speeches and pretty
soon it was 8:00 (unusual in my experience). A little after 8:00
salads appeared at our tables (yes - finally!) but then more
dancing and speeches. We left at about 9:35 and there was no
indication that dinner was imminent. My coworker (it was her
daughter getting married) was irritated that we didn’t stay but
we were starving and had to get up early the next day. I wonder
if she thought that was a “no show” for dinner?
[/quote]
My cousin hates large gatherings so he usually volunteers to be
the babysitter. At the last wedding the children were to stay
through dinner then cousin would leave taking the children that
attended with him. He was livid that dinner was not served
until nearly 9pm.
#Post#: 77021--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: Lkdrymom Date: September 3, 2022, 1:26 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I went to a friend's wedding where I only knew the groom. No
plus one and apparently he did not invite anyone else that I
knew. The worst part was there was no assigned seating and I am
very shy. I dropped my gift off and left the reception because I
was too uncomfortable to walk up to a table and ask if I could
sit there. He was not happy. If I had a plus one I would have
been brave enough to sit at a random table.
#Post#: 77042--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: September 5, 2022, 10:18 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Back on the old site, I posted about this wedding. I was an
assistant manager to the branch manager, Helen. Helen was
getting married, and had invited the entire office to the
wedding. She also confided to me that she could not afford to go
all out for the reception, so I was the only coworker also
invited to the reception. All the clerks were invited to the
actual ceremony only. (Both ceremony and reception were held at
a hotel).
The ceremony was scheduled for 4:30, with the reception
scheduled for 5:30. So, 4:30 rolls around and Helen (and the
entire wedding party) has not yet shown up. Typical Helen.
Always late. ALWAYS. While we are waiting, it becomes clear from
what the clerks are saying that they believe that they have been
invited to the reception. I freeze, but I really don't feel
comfortable saying, "Now, none of you were invited to the
reception." I didn't say a word.
It was a beautiful September day. Not a cloud in sight, ceremony
outside, nice temperature but with the sun beating down, it gets
very uncomfortable quickly. 4:30. 5:30. 6:30. This is
ridiculous. Finally! 7:30 and Helen has just shown up at the
hotel! Excitement! Frustration as we realize that the entire
wedding party is in sweats and obviously not going to be ready
soon.
Ceremony finally starts at 8:30. Some guests are already long
gone. I make it through the ceremony, and then with a sunburn
and a headache, I leave at 9 pm.
I left before the meal. I did waste the meal that had been paid
for me. But I would do it again. There were at least 2 clerks
who stayed for the whole thing and my absence covered one of
those meals. (So many people left before the meal they actually
ended up with too much leftovers. And come to find out, the
meal did not get served until after 10:30 because the first meal
the hotel had made was ruined because it had been cooked for
5:30.
So, my real etiquette gaffe, but one I would do again
#Post#: 77046--------------------------------------------------
Re: RSVPs and No-Shows . . . thoughts?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 5, 2022, 11:27 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=pierrotlunaire0 link=topic=2394.msg77042#msg77042
date=1662391085]
So, my real etiquette gaffe, but one I would do again
[/quote]
I don't recall your story from the old board, so maybe it was
hashed out already. But I disagree with you; you committed no
etiquette crime! You agreed to attend and eat at a reception at
5:30pm... not 10:30pm. I think that you were perfectly in the
clear to leave.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page