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#Post#: 76725--------------------------------------------------
Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: oogyda Date: August 9, 2022, 10:49 am
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The following was relayed to me by Good Friend (GF), whose DH is
nearing the end of his life, having had a short battle with an
agressive cancer. Some other long time friends made the 2 hour
drive over the weekend to say their goodbyes and offer comfort
to GF.
Due to a shortage of room in the bedroom where her DH is
bedbound, there was one chair and the wheelchair they had been
using to get him around the house, so the visiting wife sat in
the wheelchair. After a while, she remarked how comfortable it
was and asked if she could have it "after" since she'll be
having surgery in February and won't be able to walk. :o :o :o
GF told her that it's a rental and will be going back to the
medical supply store.
GF's DD told me that when she walked them out, wife asked what
they were going to do with xxx that is stored in the garage. DD
said she supposed her mother was going to continue using it
since it's quite handy to have even though it could be
considered a "man toy". She couldn't say whether wife was
hinting for it or not.
#Post#: 76726--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: MOM21SON Date: August 9, 2022, 11:19 am
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That’s really awful. But I also know many people are
uncomfortable with death and often just try small talk and
really don’t think things through. Prayers for you and your
friends.
#Post#: 76728--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: chigger Date: August 9, 2022, 12:07 pm
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That really is awful! Bad enough that the wife wanted the
wheelchair "after", but then to ask about something in the
garage, she's being a vulture. So sorry for your friend, it's
hard enough losing a spouse, without people trying to put in
dibs on her husband's possesions. I hate to say it, but she will
probably experience more of this.
#Post#: 76730--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: Contrarian Date: August 9, 2022, 1:20 pm
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This is awful. And it may seem a stretch but it makes one feel
as though they don’t exist.
Why would this woman assume that the dying man’s wife or family
wouldn’t have a need for that chair? Or that thing in the
garage?
Why would anyone go about someone’s home, a home with a couple,
who have family and think “this one person is leaving, so give
this to me, and give this to me.”?
I’ve experienced this twice. Once when my cousin and I lived
together for a year and then he was going back to Iran but I was
staying. His friends came to say goodbye and asked “what are you
doing with that?” (My computer), and “What are you doing with
that?” (My silver I had brought from Iran) and “what are you
doing with that? (My furniture from Iran).
I felt like I wasn’t even in the room. There was nothing but the
departing cousin and his “stuff”.
Then when my husband passed his friends came to the house. “Can
I have this?” “Can I have this?” His original, in pencil
artwork. He was an artist in the gaming/movie community and they
just wanted his stuff.
I know the post is titled “Can’t we just wait until he’s gone”
but can’t anyone think that his wife who has been caring for him
and making arrangements for his care might need more than
considering what she might do for you?
Or that this things may mean more to loved ones than his work
buddies.
Honestly, one of the people he only saw at conventions and
didn’t really like much showed up an hour after the celebration
of life, asked about his belongings and said “I can’t wait to
see the will.”
I can’t imagine what he thought would be in there.
Anyway, it’s an awful way to behave. If you’re going to say good
bye, say good bye and to the partner say “what can I do for
you?”
#Post#: 76733--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: TootsNYC Date: August 9, 2022, 4:19 pm
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I know people have made fun of me in the past for my focus on
covetousness.
But here we are: Thou shalt not covet thy [dying] friend's
wheelchair or the contents of his garage.
Whether he's dying or not.
#Post#: 76737--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: Aleko Date: August 10, 2022, 6:23 am
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In Contrarian's case, the only thing any of these people could
decently do would be to say (at some suitable time) 'I'd love to
have some keepsake to remember him by'. Then it's your choice
whether to ask 'What would you like?'; produce a folder of
artwork and say 'Pick one'; or simply hand them something you're
willing for them to have and say 'Here you go'.
It might just be allowable for a really close friend to name a
specific thing which they had a genuine reason to be attached
to, as 'That sketch he did of [X], the time we all visited [Y],
brings that trip back to me so vividly: if you ever felt able to
part with it, it would mean so much to me'. But even that would
have to be done very tentatively to be acceptable.
As for commenting on one's hopes for some goodies in the will,
that's beyond crass. (Also pointless: if anything is left to you
in the will, you'll get it anyway, and you'll have lost the
chance of acting overcome and grateful.)
#Post#: 76740--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: NFPwife Date: August 10, 2022, 10:28 am
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I'm so sorry for your friend oogdya. That's beyond crass and
inappropriate.
Contrarian, I'm so sorry for your loss and all the rudeness you
experienced.
I understand that death can make people uncomfortable and they
can say odd or unhelpful things, but to be so greedy and
transactional is beyond the pale. Toots is right, it's
covetousness and it's not a good look on them.
When my MIL died people were immediately asking my FIL if he was
staying in his house. Half the time it felt like they were
trying to put an offer in on the house, the other half felt
overly nosey.
Aleko has a lovely way to ask for a memento, I, personally,
wouldn't do it, but if one were so compelled that's the way.
#Post#: 76742--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: JeanFromBNA Date: August 10, 2022, 12:48 pm
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I think that we need to re-learn to express shock at outrageous
behavior. The old way would have been to say, "I beg your
pardon?" Some version of "Do you hear yourself?" is still
appropriate. "Are you kidding me?" comes to mind.
#Post#: 76747--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: Aleko Date: August 11, 2022, 3:39 am
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[quote]Honestly, one of the people he only saw at conventions
and didn’t really like much showed up an hour after the
celebration of life, asked about his belongings and said “I
can’t wait to see the will.”
I can’t imagine what he thought would be in there.[/quote]
It occurs to me that another way to interpret that extraordinary
remark is that he expected there to be some shocker, such as the
deceased having left everything to his mistress of 20 years and
her six children, and he would enjoy being a spectator at the
fine old hullabaloo he hoped would ensue. Which of course would
be even nastier. Pretending to take it that way might provide a
snappy comeback: 'Why? Do you think he has cut his family out of
his will and left everything to a dogs' home, or something?'
Though TBH I think a cold stare - which I'm sure you gave him -
and leaving him to wait in vain for a lawyer or executor to
contact him with the happy news that he was now the inheritor of
[who knows what?], is actually the best way to go.
#Post#: 76748--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can we just wait until he's gone?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: August 11, 2022, 6:26 am
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OP, what can I say? Your poor friend! I can't believe how tacky
people can be sometimes.
I think your friend handled it perfectly. In fact, she was very
restrained! But honestly, in her shoes, I'd be scaling my
"friendship" with these people right back, after that episode.
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