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#Post#: 76630--------------------------------------------------
Messaging
By: NFPwife Date: August 2, 2022, 7:58 pm
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I think we've discussed both of these topics in various threads
but I have a combo of a person's preferred way to communicate
and wanting to use a spouse as an intermediary that is driving
me up a tree.
Some quick background. I've had FB almost since it went from
"hot or not" to mainstream use. My DH does not. He has no social
media and wants it that way. Over the years, his friends and
acquaintances will find my account and friend request me. These
fall into categories of someone he hasn't talked to in decades
wanting to see what he's up to, closer friends wanting to stay
in touch, and friends who have become close to me as well.
Occasionally someone will use messenger and want me to carry a
message to him; I usually reply with "call him at (X) or email
him at (Y)." (I'd take an urgent message like, "We were meeting
at 7 but I'm in traffic, can you let him know?") Most of these
messages came in while I was working and I had no time to
transmit them and I didn't want to encourage the process.
(The acquaintances who wanted to see what he was up were
probably disappointed because my FB is mine. It's not a "couple
FB" and I'm free with my perspective on current affairs, so you
have to put up with a lot of my politics for an occasional
vacation picture. Two people sent messages I thought crossed a
line and I blocked them.)
I have all but one of his friends contacting him directly and
not trying to use me as an intermediary. Messenger is this
friend's preferred method of communication and he forwards these
stupid videos that he expects me to show to DH. They're the
equivalent of the email forwards people sent when email first
became popular. He was on the phone with DH and said, "I'm going
to send a video to PVZfan for you to watch." DH said, "She won't
click it. Don't send it to her." Then I got three. In 24 hours.
I've told his friend, at least four times, "Send it to him at
(Y)" and he still sends these forwards. He does call DH if he
wants to communicate with him so I guess he's partially
messenger broken :D
DH doesn't want me to block him because this person can
overreact to perceived slights and perseverates on the smallest
things. Otherwise I'd block him and move on.
I feel like I've clearly told him I'm not an intermediary and DH
told him not to send these exact things, so now I'm just leaving
him on read.
Any ideas or magic words? I'd like make it look like I don't
have messenger anymore to him. (He'll definitely bring it up to
DH, they see each other about twice a month.)
#Post#: 76632--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: Bada Date: August 2, 2022, 9:17 pm
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Would it be enough to just "mute" him? From the app version at
least, click his messages, click the little i in the circle,
click notifications and sounds, and turn them off.
My son's one time swimming instructor got into MLMs and started
messaging me about them all the time. It was easier to
literally never see them than to ask her to stop or to unfriend
her.
Obviously it's avoiding the problem, but then you wouldn't even
have to put it on read and maybe he'd get the hint that you
don't read his/any FB messages. (*If he asks, maybe you can spin
it as not reading any messages?)
#Post#: 76634--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: NFPwife Date: August 2, 2022, 10:41 pm
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Thanks! I started with mute but then looked at some other
settings and set myself to always appearing offline to him and
putting him on ignore. It's step above mute, but not block.
He'll likely ask DH if I'm seeing his messages, DH is prepped to
say, "If you want me to see it / know about it send it to my
email."
Honestly, I'm getting a little bitch eating crackers with this
person. These things are easy to share in messenger and take
more effort to email and clogging up my messenger becomes the
default choice and it's making everything about him aggravating.
#Post#: 76638--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: DaDancingPsych Date: August 3, 2022, 8:07 am
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The magic words should have been "If you want me to see them,
you need to email them directly to me." They did not work. So,
yes, I would use the settings to ensure that there is as little
interruption as possible with him. If he asks if you received
them, the answer would always be. "No. If you want DH to see
them, you need to email them directly to him." It may never stop
the problem, but it really has to be DH's friend's decision to
stop involving you.
While I don't have the "middle man" problem, I certainly have
people who insist on messaging me videos and memes. These really
aren't my thing. And while I can appreciate receiving one from
someone who truly thought of me, I just want to kick those who
are truly messaging junk.
#Post#: 76646--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: Rain Date: August 3, 2022, 12:21 pm
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What does this person bring to your life?
I'd block him, but I've gotten old and am tired of being a
passive enabler for others BS
#Post#: 76658--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: NFPwife Date: August 3, 2022, 9:08 pm
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[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=2384.msg76638#msg76638
date=1659532060]
The magic words should have been "If you want me to see them,
you need to email them directly to me." They did not work. So,
yes, I would use the settings to ensure that there is as little
interruption as possible with him. If he asks if you received
them, the answer would always be. "No. If you want DH to see
them, you need to email them directly to him." It may never stop
the problem, but it really has to be DH's friend's decision to
stop involving you.
While I don't have the "middle man" problem, I certainly have
people who insist on messaging me videos and memes. These really
aren't my thing. And while I can appreciate receiving one from
someone who truly thought of me, I just want to kick those who
are truly messaging junk.
[/quote]
Great point that DH's friend is the one who has to stop
involving me. I don't think he will. I think the best I can do
is take myself out of the loop and get DH to say, "If you want
me to see them, send them to me." (although he doesn't want to
see them at that frequency either, so I think he's hoping my
settings will seriously slow or just stop the whole thing.)
[quote author=Rain link=topic=2384.msg76646#msg76646
date=1659547280]
What does this person bring to your life?
I'd block him, but I've gotten old and am tired of being a
passive enabler for others BS
[/quote]
He brings absolutely nothing to my life and I, personally, want
to just block him. But... DH sees him a minimum of 2 and up to 4
times monthly and, because blocking is obvious, he will just
bang on about being blocked and be generally insufferable.
Interestingly, in grad school one of my profs was musing about
something he'd observed related to gender differences in
friendships at midlife. He said a lot of men he knew hadn't
maintained friendships very well and then were reaching out to
reconnect with friends from HS or undergrad in their 50s, but
he'd noticed women in his life had tended friendships and had
more diverse friends (age, socioeconomic status, etc.) I
remember thinking "Thank goodness DH has maintained
friendships," and specifically thought of a few people I
wouldn't want to circle back around. And one of them popped up
in the last three months.
#Post#: 76660--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: QueenFaninCA Date: August 4, 2022, 1:14 pm
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[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=2384.msg76658#msg76658
date=1659578922]
He brings absolutely nothing to my life and I, personally, want
to just block him. But... DH sees him a minimum of 2 and up to 4
times monthly and, because blocking is obvious, he will just
bang on about being blocked and be generally insufferable.
[/quote]
So your DH rather have him be insufferable towards you than
towards him? Sorry, DH, not happening. Block him. It's his
friend, not yours. Perhaps give him one last chance to tell his
friend to stop messaging you or you will block him.
#Post#: 76679--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: NFPwife Date: August 5, 2022, 1:48 pm
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[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=2384.msg76660#msg76660
date=1659636894]
[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=2384.msg76658#msg76658
date=1659578922]
He brings absolutely nothing to my life and I, personally, want
to just block him. But... DH sees him a minimum of 2 and up to 4
times monthly and, because blocking is obvious, he will just
bang on about being blocked and be generally insufferable.
[/quote]
So your DH rather have him be insufferable towards you than
towards him? Sorry, DH, not happening. Block him. It's his
friend, not yours. Perhaps give him one last chance to tell his
friend to stop messaging you or you will block him.
[/quote]
I was trying for a progressive response and looking for a tech
solution to make him less aggravating to me and avoid him being
insufferable to DH. (If the level of insufferable was equal, my
DH would opt for it over me having it. But it's not even close.)
I had to go down a couple privacy and security rabbit holes, but
I think ignore is the answer. Everything goes to spam and I'm
not aware he messaged. Friend isn't aware he's on ignore.
Blocking is obvious. This just goes into a black hole. If friend
asks if I've seen the messages, DH will tell him, again, not to
send me things.
#Post#: 77542--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: Raintree Date: October 27, 2022, 9:47 pm
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I would just ignore everything he sends. I have two friends that
PM me videos or memes and I just ignore them. I honestly just
don't want to put in the time to read them. If they have
something to actually say, then say it, but just sending me spam
will result in my ignoring it.
#Post#: 77556--------------------------------------------------
Re: Messaging
By: jazzgirl205 Date: October 28, 2022, 8:33 pm
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DH and I belong to an organization that mostly communicates
through FB (which dh doesn't do). I get information through FB
but the president also contacts dh through email and text. It's
cool.
I don't do politics on facebook. If my friends want my opinion,
they can meet me for lunch and we'll talk face to face.
Political posts are not why I visit FB.
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