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#Post#: 76101--------------------------------------------------
We both know that's not true
By: sms Date: June 28, 2022, 3:04 pm
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Full disclosure this is pretty minor but it's making me grit my
teeth a bit.
A close friend has said a few times now that "you guys make sooo
much more money than we do". And it is patently untrue.
We've been friends a long time and we both know approximately
what each other's households make, not exactly but close enough
to know with her husbands profession that I am very confident
they make at least 50-60 k more than our household.
Trust me on this. She has never been shy about sharing money
details and woes.
She knows they make more but keeps making comments like this.
The first couple of times I laughed it off but this most recent
time I found it galling and just let the comment hang. I don't
know if I should bother responding if it happens again but I
think it's really crass.
#Post#: 76110--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: Isisnin Date: June 28, 2022, 7:02 pm
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Ugh. So irritating. Why do people bring up differences in money?
What do they expect to accomplish?
Have you ever responded and if so, what did she say?
Probably best not to say anything.
#Post#: 76111--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: sms Date: June 28, 2022, 7:58 pm
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At first I laughed it off in kind of a you can't be serious what
colour is the sky in your world way but when it happened again
the other week I just didn't say much of anything.
It's disingenuous at best and I don't know, it feels a little
mocking.
Maybe allowing an awkward silence to prevail is the best thing
even though I want to say come on you know we don't. Knock it
off.
#Post#: 76112--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: DaDancingPsych Date: June 28, 2022, 8:10 pm
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Is this the sort of relationship where you could level with her?
"I don't understand why you say that when you know it's not true
and it's starting to feel like you are mocking me; could we
agree to not compare household earnings?" I think with a friend
who really cares about you and your feelings an apology would
follow or at least they would agree and avoid the topic.
However, if this is the sort of person who really is mocking
you, I might get very quiet and give a strange look with a mix
of "I don't know why you would say that", "I can't believe that
you would say that", and "we both know you aren't telling a
truth". Hopefully that conveys your annoyance and they will stop
making that misstep.
But in the end, we can't control others, just ourselves. This
might be something that you need to ignore. Avoid topics that
would bring it up. Or... slow the friendship if it gets really
bad.
#Post#: 76113--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: Isisnin Date: June 28, 2022, 8:31 pm
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[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=2362.msg76112#msg76112
date=1656465013]
However, if this is the sort of person who really is mocking
you, I might get very quiet and give a strange look with a mix
of "I don't know why you would say that", "I can't believe that
you would say that", and "we both know you aren't telling a
truth". Hopefully that conveys your annoyance and they will stop
making that misstep.
[/quote]
This is a very good idea. Just atop and look at her, don't stare
at her, just look at her. Don't say anything. Don't do anything.
Very likely she'll change the topic.
#Post#: 76122--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: sms Date: June 29, 2022, 8:58 am
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[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=2362.msg76112#msg76112
date=1656465013]
Is this the sort of relationship where you could level with her?
"I don't understand why you say that when you know it's not true
and it's starting to feel like you are mocking me; could we
agree to not compare household earnings?" I think with a friend
who really cares about you and your feelings an apology would
follow or at least they would agree and avoid the topic.
However, if this is the sort of person who really is mocking
you, I might get very quiet and give a strange look with a mix
of "I don't know why you would say that", "I can't believe that
you would say that", and "we both know you aren't telling a
truth". Hopefully that conveys your annoyance and they will stop
making that misstep.
But in the end, we can't control others, just ourselves. This
might be something that you need to ignore. Avoid topics that
would bring it up. Or... slow the friendship if it gets really
bad.
[/quote]
I don't think she's consciously trying to be mocking, I wouldn't
remain friends with someone like that. It just come off that
way a bit whether intended or not. Trying to pretend someone
has something, an advantage or a privilege etc they don't is
insulting and fools nobody.
Honestly I don't get the comments, sometimes I wonder if she
actually believes her own BS but even if she did genuinely
believe that it's still a pretty rude and tacky thing to say.
I'm thinking a quiet "We both know that's not true" but knowing
her she'll actually try to argue the point which makes it worse.
Maybe the awkward silence and an abrupt ( very abrupt ) change
of subject is the way to go.
#Post#: 76123--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: Rose Red Date: June 29, 2022, 9:18 am
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That's really weird. Saying things they know is not true,
especially comments about money which is always a touchy
subject. I don't know the tone, but I'm imagining
passive-aggressive.
Maybe you can say "I'm not sure you are aware that you say that
a lot. It's not true that we make more than you guys. Is there
something going on that you keep making these comments?" (I
borrowed those questions from Ask a Manager. LOL). Don't just
laugh it off. Ask questions that make them explain themselves.
#Post#: 76126--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: oogyda Date: June 29, 2022, 9:29 am
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Your friend's comments feel similar to those a friend of ours
makes occasionally. From the mid 90's until about 6-7 years
ago, they (as a couple) made substantially (at times double)
more than we did.
They had some setbacks due to age and illness and have retired,
but maintain a consulting business that, along with a pension,
was just a little more than what we made but had irregular
bursts of substantial bonuses.
While she's never said we've made more than they do, she has
alluded to how much better off we are. She is definitely
envious of the security of or situation as we approach
retirement.
And she knows it's their own doing. If there's a dime to be
spent, they'll spend three. A loan to be had, they have
several. Fifty+ years of really bad financial decisions have put
them where they are.
Anyway...could that be part of the issue with your friends? You
are better off, so you must make more?
#Post#: 76127--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: TootsNYC Date: June 29, 2022, 9:40 am
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"Oh, are you guys in serious debt? Have you been living beyond
your means, or squandering your income? I'm sorry to hear that."
no, I'm kidding...
This is why the social etiquette is to not talk about money. It
can be very damaging.
(there's a whiff of covetousness here--she's focusing on your
possessions, acting envious of your income...)
#Post#: 76131--------------------------------------------------
Re: We both know that's not true
By: sandisadie Date: June 29, 2022, 11:49 am
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I have to agree with TOOTSNYC. In my past, my sister (next in
age younger then me) was not a good money manger and was
constantly living beyond her means. She frequently brought up
the fact that my 2nd husband and I had quite a bit more
possessions and frequently took trips, etc. then she did. She
frequently tried to find out how much money we had to work with.
I always let that conversation drop or just changed the
subject. As an aside, we lived within our income and watched
how our money was spent. Maybe something similar could be said
by the OP to her friend.
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