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#Post#: 75819--------------------------------------------------
How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: jpcher Date: June 10, 2022, 1:48 pm
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There was a time, maybe 20ish years ago when my DDs were in the
tween years where they absolutely did not get along with each
other. It broke my heart to see them at such a crossroad, but I
did not take sides. I listened to each of their stories, coached
them on how to handle certain situations but most of all I told
them that "She is the only sister you will ever have. It's
important that you work it out."
It took a few years of struggle, but now at ages 28 and 30 they
are the best of friends. They talk to each other almost daily,
and yes, there are still disagreements, but they work it out.
I'm bringing this topic up because of recent interaction with my
two nephews (about the same age as my daughters) during DD#1's
wedding reception. Both of the boys, at different times, talked
royal smack to me about each other. I told both of them that
"this is a calm zone, we're not talking angry here, we're here
to have fun."
I talked to the "boys" father (BIL) today and he is very upset
about the way his sons were visibly angry with each other. He
asked me for help.
I told BIL that the three of them, if not only the nephews,
needed to get into counseling. The boys went through a very
rough divorce when they were young, Mom is toxic and through it
all they have very successful careers.
Other than bros hating on bros, I think that they are doing okay
with their individual lives, but BIL would like advice on how to
fix the "hating" aspect of his sons relationship with each
other.
Do you have any thoughts?
#Post#: 75825--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: June 11, 2022, 2:22 am
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In my experience, sibling relationships often come down to how
the children were parented when they were young. My grandmother
was nearly 13 when my great-aunt was born (they had three
brothers in between). With such a large age gap, you wouldn't
think they'd be close. But my great grandparents did what you
did - encouraged their daughters (indeed, all their children) to
get along. They adjudicated arguments fairly. They intervened
when appropriate. And they reminded their children of the
importance of family and sticking by each other. As a result,
all their children were close, but my grandmother and great-aunt
in particular grew up to be best friends as adults, and loved
each other very much.
By contrast, my ex-boyfriend was only three years younger than
his brother. They just did not get on. My ex reckoned his big
brother (who was a bit of a jock) used to bully him when they
were teens. And I gathered that his older brother found my ex to
be an annoying twerp. But here's the thing - their parents did
not intervene at all. They basically threw up their hands and
told the boys to sort it out themselves. As a result, by the
time they were adults, my ex rarely spoke to his brother, and
freely admitted he wanted nothing to do with him.
I'd be interested to know how your BIL and his ex-wife parented
their sons, when they were children. Sadly, it might be too late
to do anything about the situation now. The time to encourage a
strong fraternal relationship was when the boys were young - not
when they're 28 and 30. Your BIL can certainly let his sons know
that he wishes for them to have a better relationship with each
other. But ultimately, it's now up to his sons as to how they
want to proceed.
#Post#: 75826--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: June 11, 2022, 4:34 am
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These are adult brothers? Then my first question is do they want
to work towards a better relationship? If either brother doesn't
want to mend things, then this isn't the time (and it may never
be the time.)
I don't think counseling is a terrible idea. For two adult men
to be so visibly upset with each other at a gathering where
everyone puts on their happy face, then the relationship may be
strained and complicated enough to really need a third party to
help them. I actually think it's a good idea in many cases as an
outside third person can really help identify where the issues
may be. Considering your brief backstory, the anger may not even
steam from one another!
Beyond that, if the two brothers want to repair the
relationship, but counseling is not an option, then I would
recommend that they sit down and talk. But set the talk up to
have productive communication. They really need to not just
express their own frustration, but to listen to what the other
is feeling. Then hopefully they can come to some agreements on
how to proceed more effectively. It may be difficult if they
were not coached to do this as youngsters (hence counseling
being a good idea), but learning these skills now will only
enhance all of their relationships. Depending on the severity of
the issues, this probably can't be hashed out in one session. It
will likely take time and slow steps to find common ground.
BIL can want this, but if his sons don't, then it isn't going to
happen. Beyond encouraging them to consider repairing the
relationship, he may need accept that they may never be best
friends. I would recommend for him to explore ways to maintain
close relationships with each individually without adding fuel
to the fire. And I would also suggest that he explore ways that
the trio can be civil when they all need to be together (like at
the wedding.) Not to sound like a broken record, but this may be
best found in counseling for him, too.
#Post#: 75827--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: Rose Red Date: June 11, 2022, 6:00 am
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At that age, nobody can force them be friends unless they want
to make the effort to get along so I think the only advise is
the counseling, but it's still their decision to go or not.
But like you did at the wedding, you can keep insisting they be
civil in a group situation at your home (or wherever you're
hosting); that you will not put up with any public fighting or
take sides. Other family may feel differently and take sides,
but that's their decision. If they are otherwise decent people
and love their parents, I think civil all anyone can hope for.
#Post#: 75830--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: Dazi Date: June 11, 2022, 9:57 am
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Just because you're siblings doesn't mean you have to be
friends. 🤷 They may never be friends. That's on them,
especially if they are already adults and dad needs to stay out
of their relationship issues.
#Post#: 75836--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: Aleko Date: June 12, 2022, 4:23 am
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[quote]Just because you're siblings doesn't mean you have to be
friends. 🤷 They may never be friends. That's on them,
especially if they are already adults and dad needs to stay out
of their relationship issues.[/quote]
I agree. The only business anyone else has here is, as Rose Red
says, in insisting they behave civilly at family gatherings. A
parent retains the right to say “Can it, you two! Behave!” to
misbehaving children of any age.
#Post#: 75859--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: BeagleMommy Date: June 13, 2022, 11:06 am
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My brother is two years younger than me. We fought like cats
when we were kids. Part of the issue is that my maternal
grandmother favored me. She thought that, as a child diabetic,
I was fragile and shouldn't be upset in any way so she gave me
anything I wanted. This was not fair to my brother by any means
and mom told grandma many times. My parents mediated as
necessary. Sometimes I was right and sometimes brother was
right.
Brother and I are not best friends but we text regularly and are
loving and patient with each other. We're just different and
sometimes not compatible.
My SIL has a younger sister. They do not get along at all.
There was blatant favoritism toward the younger sister by SIL's
parents and she has resented it her entire life.
#Post#: 75868--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: bopper Date: June 13, 2022, 2:06 pm
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When my kids were squabbling too much I would send them to their
rooms for a timeout. There were toys and books but no
electronics.
They would get bored...so they would sneak into each other rooms
to play. Mission accomplished.
I also tried to be "fair" as much as I could...I realized that
if I left something up to them to decide, there would be
squabbling, but if there was a "rule" then they were fine.
For example, what music was played in the car. Much commotion.
But when I said you get MWF, you Get TThS and I get Sunday then
no squabbling.
If the older one had a friend over (that the little one also
knew)..I would have them all play together for a bit...but then
take the little one away so they could have time with just each
other.
#Post#: 75876--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: jpcher Date: June 13, 2022, 3:27 pm
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Thank you for your responses so far. I would like to hear more
about the relationships you have with your siblings, I think
it's an interesting topic.
Me? My sister (16 months older than me) and I were BFFs while we
were growing up, until she went to HS. She found her own group
of friends and a year later when I went to HS I found my group.
My brother was 3 years younger than me and while there was a
sibling/family bond (I remember sticking up for him several
times) I don't think there was ever a strong friendship between
the three of us.
When each of us moved from the home nest and went our separate
ways, we never called each other. I mean years went by without
any contact with either of them. Of course, I heard news of what
was going on in their lives via conversations with my mother and
the updates were always appreciated.
So, I'll say that my siblings and I are not "friends". I get
that, and I agree with other posters who said that friendship
between siblings is not necessary. But I do believe that we
still have strong family ties, which is a bit different from
friendship, if that makes sense.
The difference between the relationship I have with my siblings
and the relationship of the nephews in my OP is that whenever I
do get together with my siblings there's always a warm,
welcoming, happy hug. We talk about our lives, laugh with each
other and have a great time together. I think that we are
comfortable with each other and the last 5 years or more that we
didn't talk to each other doesn't mean a thing.
With the nephews there was obvious hatred and anger between
them.
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2354.msg75825#msg75825
date=1654932158]
(snip)
I'd be interested to know how your BIL and his ex-wife parented
their sons, when they were children. Sadly, it might be too late
to do anything about the situation now. The time to encourage a
strong fraternal relationship was when the boys were young - not
when they're 28 and 30. Your BIL can certainly let his sons know
that he wishes for them to have a better relationship with each
other. But ultimately, it's now up to his sons as to how they
want to proceed.
[/quote]
I wasn't privy to details from both sides of the divorce (which
started when the eldest was about 8) but from what I heard it
was always "Your mom is a B**ch" and "Your dad is an "A**hole"
and it went on for years. So, the boys were basically raised,
through their formative years, by very angry parents fighting
tooth and nail with each other until Mom finally gave up
custody.
No wonder the boys are full of hate and anger, they probably
never knew how to trust love.
I talked to my mother about this situation and she coached me to
call the boys (which I don't usually do) on the pretense of
saying "It was so good to see you at the wedding" and gently
open up a conversation with them about their anger. I'm not
quite sure how to handle this but Mom said "It sounds like they
need someone to talk to." Especially since they opened up to me
at the wedding, she thought that they felt comfortable enough
with me, trusted me enough to continue some sort of venting(?)
with them.
I'm absolutely not saying that I can fix this situation, in
fact, I'm a bit scared to talk to them about it. But maybe
lending an ear might help in some small way?
Thoughts? Have you ever been in this type of situation?
#Post#: 75882--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you, as a parent, handle sibling rivalry/angst?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: June 14, 2022, 8:21 am
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[quote author=jpcher link=topic=2354.msg75876#msg75876
date=1655152046]
Thoughts? Have you ever been in this type of situation?
[/quote]
Well, my question for you is do you want to be involved in this?
You might be able to help the situation, but that is going to
take more than one conversation. However, this also has the
potential of blowing up with you in the middle of it all. So I
think that you need to decide where your boundaries are. There
is nothing wrong with saying that this isn't your problem and
you want left out. I also think that it's ok to say that you are
always willing to listen (except maybe when your child is
getting married), but that you won't initiate that. I also think
it's fine for you to reach out and offer that ear. So while the
situation may disappoint you, you are not required to act on
those feelings either.
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