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#Post#: 75542--------------------------------------------------
In Law Interactions
By: Hmmm Date: May 19, 2022, 9:15 am
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One of my sisters, A, is widowed and has one son, M. M has been
married to D for about 8 years and they have 2 kids under 6. A
lives about 6 hour drive away. When A comes to visit every few
months, she stays with M & D for 2 or 3 nights. They have a 5
bedroom home and one room is even referred to as A's room. A is
very much a people person, the type who will happily sit around
chatting and visiting for hours. Though in her mid 60s, she
still has friends from elementary school that she stays in
contact with though she hasn't lived in the same city since she
was 12 as well as friends from every stage of her life. We laugh
that one of her best friends currently is actually a 35 year old
single male who was one of her co-workers. They frequently go to
the movies together, concerts and dinners. She is just that type
that makes friends with everyone. She is also very family
focused. When her MIL was still alive, she made sure to call her
every day and tried to visit her at least 3 to 5 times a week. A
& M also have a great relationship and talk daily if not more
frequently. Even during his college years, M checked in with his
parents daily. He is also much like his mom, making friends with
everyone and always has an easy conversation ready.
D is very nice but is much more reserved. A has mentioned that
when she visits she feels like D doesn't want her there. That
she doesn't strike up conversations and will often have chores
or activities to do when she is around. A told me that on her
last overnight visit, when she arrived, D visited with her and M
and the kids for about 15 minutes and then said that she needed
to run to the store and would be back later. A said she was gone
for over 2 hours. I said she probably thought it was a great
time to get some errands done since you could spend time with M
and the kids. M & D and the kids had been up to see A just a
couple of weeks before. A also says that D never reaches out to
her unless it is for a specific purpose like sharing a photo or
asking a question. Again, I didn't see anything odd about that
given that D knows A & M talk or text a couple of times a day. I
asked if she thought M called to just "shoot the breeze" with
D's mom and she said no but they see them at least a couple of
times a week.
I never had inlaws stay with us overnight since they all lived
in our town. And until my FIL passed away, I never really just
called my MIL to just chat even though we have a great
relationship. A has always been a little stunned if I say I
haven't talked with my MIL is over a week. I think she thinks
I'm neglectful.
What is your perspective. Would you be offended if an inlaw you
frequently visited for overnights seamed to give a wide birth at
times during the visit?
#Post#: 75543--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: Jem Date: May 19, 2022, 9:41 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2352.msg75542#msg75542
date=1652969737]
What is your perspective. Would you be offended if an inlaw you
frequently visited for overnights seamed to give a wide birth at
times during the visit?
[/quote]
I think A is being ridiculous. I think A is failing/refusing to
recognize that not everyone is an extroverted extrovert. I have
no idea what she would expect her daughter-in-law to constantly
be in contact with her about that is not "a specific purpose."
It also is not clear to me whether A is reaching out to D or
simply expecting D to reach out and "strike up conversations"
with her. But to answer your question, I would not be offended
if I were A but I would be offended if I were D.
#Post#: 75545--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: sandisadie Date: May 19, 2022, 12:55 pm
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I think that D might feel a little overwhelmed by her MIL's
outgoing personality. D may be rather reserved, which it sounds
like to me. As a person who has always been rather reserved
and sometimes shy I've been in many situations where being in
the company of someone like D's MIL makes me wish the visit was
over. It's probably too late in MIL's life for her to change
enough to understand what I'm talking about. But it would
probably be nice if she would dial back a little of her
personality when she is visiting her son and his family. I
applaud D for finding good ways to handle her MIL's visits.
#Post#: 75546--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: Rose Red Date: May 19, 2022, 1:48 pm
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While I admire people with an outgoing personality, they are
exhausting to hang out with when you're an introvert. Especially
in a small group for an extended period of time. It can actually
better in large groups because the extroverts can be a social
butterfly and introverts can just stay quiet and observe or
speak those with a similar personality.
I can't speak for D's feelings for her MIL, but it doesn't mean
she doesn't like her. Perhaps what MIL sees as rejection/dislike
just means D is a loner and is uncomfortable outside her own
small circle for more than 15 minutes when it comes to
socializing. Doing chores may be her way of dealing with MIL's
laser focus. It can be easier for us introverts to multitask
since we can look away from the person while still be involved
in the conversation.
#Post#: 75547--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: sms Date: May 19, 2022, 2:27 pm
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I agree, it's likely an introvert / extrovert thing although I
would say both parties have to be aware of the needs of others.
I understand that constant socializing can be draining and D
might need some alone time. Also, when it's family, there isn't
usually the requirement for formal visiting and that normal
tasks still need to get done!
That being said it isn't just extroverts that need to dial down.
Introverts should realize that being really withdrawn and
avoiding people can make others uncomfortable. feeling that
maybe they have offended or done something wrong.
Making a little more effort to socialize would probably go a
long way.
It's great that extroverts and introverts are recognizing how
they function but it shouldn't be used as an excuse for rudeness
or a lack of consideration for the needs of others.
#Post#: 75550--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: Bada Date: May 19, 2022, 3:40 pm
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My MIL visits specifically to help with the kids. She shoos me
away to go get my other work done or to rest. My husband does
sit with her when he's off work, though.
My parents expect me to sit and entertain them. I...do not
prefer that, lol.
#Post#: 75560--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: Soop Date: May 20, 2022, 6:36 am
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What could there possibly left for D to talk to A about? What
with M calling A every day. Maybe she is also tired of that.
Having her MIL always knowing their business.
I cannot imagine calling my Mom or MIL every day. When Mr S does
call his Mom, she keeps it short and dashes off to Bridge or
Mahjong. Even when I was away at university, I only talked to my
parents every week or 2 weeks.
#Post#: 75562--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: TootsNYC Date: May 20, 2022, 9:27 am
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I think I would be very understanding if my DIL took breaks from
the contact like that.
I might be a little sad, because I'd want to be slightly better
friends than that.
My mother always emphasized respect for other people, and I'm
pretty careful to not push in where I'm not wanted. I was a bit
of a social outcast in grade school, and even middle school into
high school; I don't enjoy feeling that people don't want me
around. So I don't try to create that, or to immerse myself in
it.
I always say that if my son ever marries, he's probably going to
have to explain to her that the reason I didn't come sit at the
hospital to wait while the baby was being born is because I
respect the difference in our roles--it's their baby, not mine.
So I'd try to make those "withdrawals" of D's more comfortable
for us all, and treat them as if they are a matter-of-fact
thing.
My way of treating cats and toddlers is to offer them distance
and respect, and to not try hard to woo them. Be friendly;
ignore; withdraw and interest myself in something else at the
tiniest sign of reluctance.
I find that then they actually do end up liking me more,
because they know I won't barrel over their preferences, and
I'll treat them with respect, and they have more control in how
the relationship goes.
I think that's what I'd do with D.
In any relationship, the person who wants the least from it
should be the one who prevails.
#Post#: 75571--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: jpcher Date: May 20, 2022, 3:53 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2352.msg75542#msg75542
date=1652969737]
A told me that on her last overnight visit, when she arrived, D
visited with her and M and the kids for about 15 minutes and
then said that she needed to run to the store and would be back
later. A said she was gone for over 2 hours. I said she probably
thought it was a great time to get some errands done since you
could spend time with M and the kids.
[/quote]
The gall! of some people to leave for 2 whole hours when I come
to visit them! (Okay, evilJP, go away now.)
I can understand being upset if A's visit was only 3 hours long
and D left for two of them, but A was staying for 2-3 days.
Perhaps D went to pick up food/supplies for the rest of A's
visit?
Just curious as to how the rest of the day (not the whole visit)
went. After she returned from her errands, did D make dinner and
sit down with the family?
I don't want to say that A is being ridiculous, she has her own
side of the story to tell. I do think that she shouldn't take
D's non-complete-attention stance too personally and back off a
bit.
Finally, I certainly hope that A is just venting to you and not
conveying her dissatisfaction about the way she is being treated
by D with her actions toward D. Or worse yet, talking to M about
it!
I mean, think about it. If A complained to M, then M (gently)
talked to D, then after 8 years of discussion D most likely
thinks that A just doesn't like her. So D is distancing herself
from A. On the flip side of the coin, A is seeing the distancing
as D simply doesn't like A, and is hurt by that so she vents to
you and M . . .
Vicious circle.
A and D should go out for coffee (or drinks or whatever) so that
they can come to terms with their relationship. Otherwise it's
going to be a loooong time of miserable get-togethers.
My personal story -- the only guests I'm perfectly comfortable
with visiting for more than a day or two or three+ are my DD#1
and her Fsam. Even my own mother! I feel that I need to
entertain her for her entire visit, which grates on my nerves a
bit (Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but sometimes I
just need an hour or so of me time).
My In-Laws? Were always kind enough to get a hotel room. Because
they wanted their me time as well. ;D
#Post#: 75579--------------------------------------------------
Re: In Law Interactions
By: Sara Crewe Date: May 21, 2022, 6:30 am
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If I had a husband who was so enmeshed with his mother that they
talked at least once if not more than once a day and the MIL
showed up to stay with us every couple of months, I’d be
contemplating divorce not just avoiding her for a couple of
hours every visit (well, I hopefully wouldn’t since the red
flags would have sent me screaming into the distance at an early
stage long before any discussion of marriage).
D has obviously decided what she needs to do to cope with her
DH’s smother mother - and this apparently doesn’t involve trying
to get her husband to not allow MIL to be a third party in their
marriage (or if it does, she has failed).
A has won - she’s getting her own way in her relationship with
M. The fact D’s surrender apparently isn’t abject enough for
her (how dare she not display joy at her MIL’s in depth
involvement in her marriage) is something A will have to live
with.
I also wonder if A’s MIL was happy with the daily calls and
multiple visits. If I had a younger relative who did that (no
DIL/SIL), I’d be dreading hearing the phone ring.
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