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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 75536--------------------------------------------------
Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: NyaChan Date: May 19, 2022, 12:58 am
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I have a coworker, Tammy, who is convinced I’m out to get her.
If I offer critique on a document (it is my job) she takes it as
a personal attack even when I had no idea the section had been
written by her. If I send an email, she over-interprets every
word to mean the most awful thing you could come to. She is
convinced that I am mean and frequently inserts herself into
completely innocuous interactions with other coworkers as if she
is a white knight defending them from my abuse. You are probably
wondering - well NyaChan, are you being mean? i know no one can
claim perfection, least of all me, but to give an example…
She recently confronted me about supposedly making someone feel
horrible via email. What she didn’t realize is that the person
she was claiming was hurt is actually a good friend of mine and
we’d been communicating about the underlying work without
trouble. According to Tammy, I said in my email that she’d done
a bad job on work that was submitted. My actual language? I
merely stated that I’d need to review and do some edits on a
document that was submitted. Which I do for all submitted work
btw (that’s my job) and I only wrote the email because the doc
was longer than usual, so I’d need my friend to take over a
different task so I could finish the review in time for an
unexpected deadline change for our team. Pretty big jump to get
from one to the other in my opinion and it wasn’t a jump my
friend actually made (I double checked to make sure she wasn’t
upset), When that friend heard what Tammy had said to me, she
made a 45 min trip to my house to drop off a care package and a
card reminding me not to let people push me around and that I
have friends who have my back (she is a very kind person).
Regardless, Tammy had no problem making personal attacks on my
character privately and even when I’ve asked her for examples or
how she’d have preferred I handle an interaction that upset her,
she can’t tell me and instead resorts to “I’m not the only one
who thinks this about you!” Of course no one else is there or
complaining but according to her that’s just because I’m so
intimidating that people are too scared to talk to me. I have
checked in with people I trust to tell me the truth and ran
emails by them before sending them and even when others sign off
on the language as neutral and professional, she gets very
upset.
But that is all behind closed doors. She only speaks like that
to me when I’m alone or with my counterpart who she also
dislikes but not nearly as much as me. In meetings with others,
she is sweet as pie and acts like she didn’t just call me
disrespectful, discourteous, unprofessional and so on less than
a day ago. She’ll even try to make small talk with me about my
weekend or the weather and it’s that part which I don’t know
how to handle. Everything in me wants to be icy cold and not
share any information because I don’t like her acting like she
is friendly or to have more info to use against me. But I don’t
want to look like I’m being mean to her out of nowhere because I
doubt any of the rest of the attendees except for one person I
know she gossips with know there is a conflict.
What level of interaction seems appropriate given the
circumstances? What will seem “normal” enough to get through
these conversations without looking bad but not being completely
fake?
#Post#: 75537--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: Aleko Date: May 19, 2022, 4:55 am
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Surely you and your friend should have jointly reported Tammy's
false accusation to HR - or your manager, whoever is appropriate
at your workplace - when it was made. Is it too long ago to do
so now? And whenever she does it again, and you are able to
establish that the person concerned is not offended, report that
too. (And while it was sweet of your friend to go all that way
to bring you comfort, surely she should even more importantly
have instantly confronted Tammy and told her never to tell
falsehoods about her again?
As for “I’m not the only one who thinks this about
you!” - that's bullying. I mean, legally bullying. That
should be reported as well.
And after having reported all her bullying and troublemaking, in
interactions with her I suggest you try for a polite, cool and
mildly-amused air. That should rattle her.
#Post#: 75538--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: NewHomeowner Date: May 19, 2022, 5:18 am
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I agree. She is bullying you and creating a hostile workplace.
That's a keyword for HR. Hostile workplace. Report her.
#Post#: 75554--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: Rain Date: May 19, 2022, 5:57 pm
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I worked with a person like that & I started documenting every
thing (but they already knew she was a problem)
(Hugs)
#Post#: 75558--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: NyaChan Date: May 19, 2022, 7:40 pm
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@Aleko @LadyJaneinMD I felt like I had typed too much already,
but I realize now this is important context:
We are on a specialty team created to meet a ridiculous deadline
and that deadline is looming. I have informed my manager and her
co-lead of the problem and they were indiscreet enough to tell
me that they’d have booted Tammy back to her old team
within a week if they had been able to and that they are sorry
this happened. I know they trust my abilities and judgment and
they’ve assured me that Tammy is not well thought of while
I am. Reality is that getting this project done in time could
save jobs - In good conscience, I can’t justify creating a
distraction or disruption to the flow of work when we are all
working to the limits and I know the likely solutions
won’t please me anyways - I don’t want to do
mediation with her, I wouldn’t want her to lose her job. I
admit she badly hurt my feelings as she seems to have a knack
for hitting my worst insecurities. But I need her to continue to
do her job well and if she isn’t in that role, I’d
have to find a way to do get it done without her (more work for
me). If I wait for the deadline to pass, she’ll be
transferred back to her regular team wnd I won’t have to
take the stress and negativity of an HR complaint on.
There shouldn’t be negative consequences for reporting,
but let’s be real - people will be annoyed if I complain
over a personal conflict and the trouble keeps us from our goals
at the very last bit of this crazy project. I am choosing
money/goodwill from the leadership over getting justice. Since
she doesn’t treat others this badly and I know of no prior
history (in fact she was recommended to me as a supportive
mentor for women earlier in my career), I don’t feel that
I’m allowing a bad actor to persist in harming others.
That’s why I’m focused on how to deal with her
politely for as long as is left on the project.
#Post#: 75567--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: DaDancingPsych Date: May 20, 2022, 2:19 pm
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I don't think any of us have the magic thing that will cause
Tammy to back off. She's going to behave as she pleases (and
from the sounds of her reputation, she tends to behave poorly.)
This is not a case of a misunderstanding nor is it a case that
you should be overly concerned about your reputation, because it
sounds like most have figured out Tammy's song and dance. If you
are unwilling or unable to move this up the chain or to HR (and
I certainly understand your reasoning), then I think that you
need to control your reaction. You've done all that you can to
please Tammy and she's choosing to not be pleased. So, let her
complaints roll off you. Keep refocusing on the work and
hopefully she will realize that her whines are getting her no
where. It stinks, especially when she is poking at your
insecurities, but I don't see many options.
My mom always said, "Kill them with kindness." I'm not sure if
it would work in your situation or if it's even appropriate, but
sometimes I just become extra kind to these sort of people.
Sometimes they chill out and sometimes it has no effect.
#Post#: 75568--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: Effie Date: May 20, 2022, 2:34 pm
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Please take my suggestion as worth what you've paid for it.
Since she only does this when there's the two of you, can you
insist on having a third party present every time she wants to
speak to you? Or, with her knowledge, tape* every conversation
she has with you? In other words, she seems to thrive on
secrecy. Make it difficult to impossible for her to have it.
For instance, she comes into your office. If she closes the door
you immediately open it. And ask the nearest person to join you.
She approaches you in the open? Call to a co-worker to please
come over.
She calls you? "Hold on, I want to tape this," or "hold on, I'm
putting you on speaker."
* I am not a lawyer but I do know different states have
different legalities regarding taped conversations.
And if she's brazen enough to email you, certainly save
everything.
#Post#: 75570--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: TootsNYC Date: May 20, 2022, 3:12 pm
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[quote author=LadyJaneinMD link=topic=2351.msg75538#msg75538
date=1652955514]
I agree. She is bullying you and creating a hostile workplace.
That's a keyword for HR. Hostile workplace. Report her.
[/quote]
This is not the way "hostile workplace" works.
The phrase doesn't refer to general hostility or meanness.
It refers to consistent treatment of people who are in a
protected class.
HTML https://www.askamanager.org/2015/01/hostile-workplace-its-not-what-you-think.html
And so trying to use that phrase with HR will just muddy the
waters while they try to explain to you that this is not what
the term means.
You can talk about hostility and undermining.
I would definitely suggest who has a problem like like to take
it to the managers and supervisors, and maybe even HR, and frame
that as asking for advice. That you want to be sure you aren't
creating problem, and you want to be sure her attacks on you
don't end up poisoning your relationships with others.
As for where you are now--since she only attacks you where there
aren't any witnesses, maybe you should use the next opportunity
that she approaches you to criticize you, to say, "Tammy, let's
face it--you don't like me. And I don't appreciate these
constant unfounded attacks. So I'm not going to engage with you
anymore. Don't make small talk with me anymore."
An alternative is to just ooze all over her. I started a job
once where the office manager seemed to have taken an instant
dislike to me. I was really offended, but I got crafty and
tactical, and I just started being determinedly friendly. I
stopped in to greet her and make small talk every morning.
Sucking up, basically.
And it changed how she interacted with me. She became a big ally
and helper. It was distasteful, especially at first, but it was
effective.
#Post#: 75604--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: NewHomeowner Date: May 23, 2022, 6:56 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2351.msg75570#msg75570
date=1653077534]
[quote author=LadyJaneinMD link=topic=2351.msg75538#msg75538
date=1652955514]
I agree. She is bullying you and creating a hostile workplace.
That's a keyword for HR. Hostile workplace. Report her.
[/quote]
This is not the way "hostile workplace" works.
The phrase doesn't refer to general hostility or meanness.
It refers to consistent treatment of people who are in a
protected class.
HTML https://www.askamanager.org/2015/01/hostile-workplace-its-not-what-you-think.html
[/quote]
Wow, Thanks! I learned something new today. You're never too
old to learn.
#Post#: 75608--------------------------------------------------
Re: Difficult Coworker (Long)
By: Aleko Date: May 23, 2022, 11:22 am
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I agree that as your team is currently in insane-deadline mode,
this is no time to rock the boat and you have no choice but to
suck this up - as indeed your bosses have very frankly told you.
Keep documenting, though, and once the crisis is over, you might
have another word with them, show them your evidence and ask
their advice as to whether they think you should take it to HR.
They might actually want to have that knowledge, just in case
they don't manage to boot her back to where she came from as
soon as it's over, or heaven forfend, in case top management
might decide to send her back to their team at some later date.
In the meantime, play it cool as you can.
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