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#Post#: 75247--------------------------------------------------
Possible Romance Scandal
By: NFPwife Date: May 3, 2022, 8:44 pm
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I almost posted this to Reddit, but I saw jpcher's comment about
needing an active and engaged board so I'm posting here.
I connected with a hs friend, Remy, on FB. She recently posted
that she's engaged to a man twenty years younger than her. I'd
previously chatted with her, over messenger, about him and how
she met him. She said she met him in April of 2020. They met
online in a chat forum. She hadn't seen him face to face at that
point because he was an essential worker in a covid hot spot.
Then she announced her engagement and a mutual friend, Pennie,
messaged me concerned that it's a romance scam. I joked, "Did
you just finish 'Nine Perfect Strangers' ?" because Remy
resembles the character in the book who was taken in by a online
charlatan. Both in appearance and professional success. Pennie
said she had read the book and watched the series and that's why
she's convinced this is a romance scam. Pennie had several
pieces of supporting evidence, the biggest being that there's
not a single picture of them together.
My husband had a former co-worker taken in by a romance scam and
this has many similarities, but, to my knowledge Remy hasn't
given him any money. I had a co-worker who married someone who
was only interested in citizenship and she was crushed when that
was revealed after the marriage. (To his "credit" he was
generous with her in the divorce and she's now framed the story
as "How I made $60k in six months.") The only thing Remy has
talked about is a plan to move to another state and set up a
business together. It was clear that she'd do the start-up cost,
but it would be something they'd both work together.
Pennie wants to have a "lunch" (aka intervention) with Remy. I
replied, "For the love of all things holy, no. Just no." I
haven't seen Remy face to face in decades. Pennie's roping me in
because I'd be better equipped to run her agenda. I said I'd be
willing to have lunch with both of them and catch up but I
wouldn't go any further into Remy's relationship than Remy wants
to go. Meaning, I'd let her talk about him, their next steps and
plans, but I'm not giving unsolicited advice or even asking
pointed questions. Suggesting it's a romance scam because he's
younger and pretty is an insult to her and I think crossing that
line would only backfire. Remy's a smart and successful woman, I
don't think she needs some "I saw (this) on Discovery ID and
(this) was in Nine Perfect Strangers," spiel over lunch.
Pennie thinks we're "obligated" (she gets a little morally
rigid) to say something. I don't think we have any kind of duty
here and this monkey isn't flying for Pennie.
I'm wondering if anyone has personally known someone targeted in
a romance scam. Did you do or say anything as it unfolded? If
you didn't say anything and it was revealed as a scam, was the
victim angry at you for not saying something? If you had it to
do over, what would you do? How would you proceed here?
#Post#: 75249--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: Rho Date: May 3, 2022, 9:21 pm
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The opposite: A male relative of someone I know married a
woman several decades older than him. She has children about
his age. This was several years ago and they are happily
married.
#Post#: 75251--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: vintagegal Date: May 4, 2022, 7:34 am
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you say they haven't met face to face, but have they video
chatted or Skyped? Or is all over messages? Is he making excuses
for why he can't video chat? Another red flag.
"working in a Covid hot spot", that's a change from "on an oil
rig in the high seas" (yes they really say that) or "military
surgeon doctor on a peacekeeping mission." I agree, it sounds
like a romance scam.
I would err on the side of trying to protect her, romance scams
can devastate people's lives. Is there a chance Pennie could
also "friend" this guy and chat with him? There is something
called Grabify - you can send a link that looks innocent, they
click on it, and you can see their real IP address and location,
as long as they are not using a VPN.
#Post#: 75253--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: Soop Date: May 4, 2022, 7:41 am
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The talk about moving to another state to start a business
together is a red flag to me, especially if it moves her away
from friends and family. These con guys like to separate their
targets from the voices of reason (same as abusers).
I recommend Tinder Swindler and Bad Vegan (although that one
gets kind of cuckoo bananas) for stories on how some of these
people work.
#Post#: 75254--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: NewHomeowner Date: May 4, 2022, 7:43 am
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Not so much a scandal, but back in the early days of being
online (late 80s. Yes, I'm that old), I talked with more than a
few guys who wanted a green card. The conversation usually
started with the question 'Are you in the United States?', and
the very next question would be 'Will you marry me?'
They were very short conversations.
#Post#: 75255--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: BeagleMommy Date: May 4, 2022, 9:27 am
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I will agree there are red flags and I've seen a number of these
"Sweetheart Scams" on Dr. Phil.
Has Remy video chatted or seen him on Skype or Zoom? While it
is good that she hasn't sent any money, has he asked?
As far as Pennie's desire to hold an "intervention", if you
don't want to be involved you don't have to.
#Post#: 75260--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: sandisadie Date: May 4, 2022, 10:30 am
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The only instance I have known personally about is that one of
my sisters began talking to a guy on a dating site over a decade
ago. He lived in the same large city that she did. They met
and things progressed from there positively. They met each
other's families and friends and eventually moved in together.
A couple of years later they moved across the country and bought
a house together. They are still together and very happy, but
for various reasons they have never married. Both have grown
children and have been divorced for a very long time. I
remember questioning her when they first got together. She was
ok with me being concerned and assured me that she was
proceeding with caution. The fact that they met in person not
long after chatting on line was a positive. I wouldn't feel
comfortable with having a relationship with a man whom I hadn't
met in person and was not able to interact with his family and
friends.
If I was in your shoes I wouldn't meet with your long ago friend
and bring up anything about her relationships. If she was a
close friend or family member, then, yes I would not hesitate to
talk about your concerns, just as I did with my sister.
#Post#: 75264--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: NFPwife Date: May 4, 2022, 1:50 pm
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Thanks everyone!
I've seen Tinder Swindler and a couple of the other docuseries
and shows on the scams. There are several red flags, but
nothing's super clear cut. For instance, her reason for wanting
to move to another state isn't just about opening a business
with him. She's wanted to move for ages. Setting up a business
with him is an addition to that plan; it wasn't the genesis for
the plan. I think they've video chatted, but I'm not 100% sure
of that. I just checked her page and there are no pictures
together. Then I noticed that she wished him happy birthday and
a lot of people she knows replied and said Happy BD, all of the
replies were liked by her, but not one single like or reply from
him. So... Pennie has a lot of great points.
[quote author=sandisadie link=topic=2341.msg75260#msg75260
date=1651678242]
The only instance I have known personally about is that one of
my sisters began talking to a guy on a dating site over a decade
ago. He lived in the same large city that she did. They met
and things progressed from there positively. They met each
other's families and friends and eventually moved in together.
A couple of years later they moved across the country and bought
a house together. They are still together and very happy, but
for various reasons they have never married. Both have grown
children and have been divorced for a very long time. I
remember questioning her when they first got together. She was
ok with me being concerned and assured me that she was
proceeding with caution. The fact that they met in person not
long after chatting on line was a positive. I wouldn't feel
comfortable with having a relationship with a man whom I hadn't
met in person and was not able to interact with his family and
friends.
If I was in your shoes I wouldn't meet with your long ago friend
and bring up anything about her relationships. If she was a
close friend or family member, then, yes I would not hesitate to
talk about your concerns, just as I did with my sister.
[/quote]
The bolded is where I am. Remy has a sister and a mother who
could/ would share concerns. I haven't see her in 30 years and I
just don't think I'm the person to barge into this situation. I
have brought up concerns to people close to me following my,
"say something once" rule. After typing it all out, looking at
some of the posts a bit, and seeing all of your replies, there's
a lot that leads one to think this is a scam, but, again, I
don't think it's my place.
#Post#: 75266--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: NFPwife Date: May 4, 2022, 2:45 pm
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[quote author=vintagegal link=topic=2341.msg75251#msg75251
date=1651667640]
you say they haven't met face to face, but have they video
chatted or Skyped? Or is all over messages? Is he making excuses
for why he can't video chat? Another red flag.
"working in a Covid hot spot", that's a change from "on an oil
rig in the high seas" (yes they really say that) or "military
surgeon doctor on a peacekeeping mission." I agree, it sounds
like a romance scam.
I would err on the side of trying to protect her, romance scams
can devastate people's lives. Is there a chance Pennie could
also "friend" this guy and chat with him? There is something
called Grabify - you can send a link that looks innocent, they
click on it, and you can see their real IP address and location,
as long as they are not using a VPN.
[/quote]
This is a good strategy. I think I'm going to suggest it to
Pennie.
#Post#: 75267--------------------------------------------------
Re: Possible Romance Scandal
By: JeanFromBNA Date: May 4, 2022, 2:51 pm
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I agree with SandieSadie's POV. I would add that if I had proof
that this was a scam (prior convictions, identical emails to
other women, etc.), I would feel morally obligated to let
someone know. If Pennie is that interested, tell her to do some
digging.
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