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#Post#: 75216--------------------------------------------------
I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: cymbaline246 Date: May 1, 2022, 5:41 pm
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Consort and I belong to a hobby group. There is a woman who at
one time had a crush on Consort. (She asked him to consult with
his ex-wife and me about her desire to marry him.) FWIW she is
open about the fact that she's autistic. She and consort
sometimes do group projects together, which she enjoys, but
other times she makes absurd claims to other members of the
group. (Consort broke promises to her, he's racist, he hates
her, etc.) She sends us written letters: half the paragraphs are
about her loneliness and how she wants us all to be friends,
alternating with screeds about how we need to stop harassing
her. Owing to the fact that she'll say outrageous things about
her 'friends' when she's angry and frustrated, I have told her
no, I'm not going to be her friend, because she treats her
friends poorly.
Last weekend we were at a convention, and when she saw me, asked
if she could hug me. I said no, we're not friends, I'm not going
to hug you. (I realize this sounds just awful, but I don't want
to lead her on) The next day she sat down beside me, and a few
seconds later, threw her arms around me and said, “I love you.”
I moved away, told her again, we aren't friends, please don't do
that, you lie about people and I'm not comfortable being friends
with you. She then tried to explain how she was upset and that's
why she was justified in trying to ruin Consort's reputation. I
got up and moved.
I'm at a loss. Consort sees her more often than I do, maybe once
a month (he's more active in the group). I don't want to be rude
to her, but I also don't want to be in her line of sight when
she gets frustrated. I won't be surprised if another letter
arrives in the mail, with the same "I want us to be friends and
do things together / I demand you stop harassing me" format.
She's not dangerous. It isn't something that one would take to
the police to get a restraining order. I don't know much about
autism, mixing it with this sort of behavior just leaves me
mystified.
#Post#: 75217--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: Jem Date: May 1, 2022, 6:22 pm
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What is “Consort?” Is this your significant other?
#Post#: 75218--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: cymbaline246 Date: May 1, 2022, 6:42 pm
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yes, my significant other.
#Post#: 75219--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: DaDancingPsych Date: May 1, 2022, 7:25 pm
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I don't find your actions rude; they are honest. You are telling
her that you do not wish to be friends; I would continue that
message. My understanding of autism is that they can struggle to
pick-up on subtle clues, which you are not providing. You are
being direct and clear, which I have been told is the best way
of communicating with such people. So I would continue the "We
are not friends" messaging. I would couple that with any other
boundaries that you feel are necessary. "Please don't touch me;
we are not friends." I might also say, "Please stop sending us
letters; we are not friends." I worry that this is not going to
stop her behavior, but it will hopefully start to set some
boundaries for you. I think the less that you can interact with
her the better.
Also, while it would be wonderful if she would stop telling
others lies, I wouldn't put much concern into what she's saying.
I have a feeling that others are witnessing or even experiencing
her actions and know where the problem really is.
#Post#: 75221--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: Aleko Date: May 2, 2022, 5:21 am
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I’ve never heard of autism causing anything like this kind of
behaviour. Maybe she really is autistic and maybe she isn’t
(from what you say, clearly nothing she says should be
implicitly believed just because she says it), but something
else is clearly going on with her.
In any case, you can’t help her and neither can Consort, even if
you (plural) had any obligation to do so, which you haven’t. All
you can do is protect yourself by refusing to collude with the
crazy, as you have rightly been doing. I agree with DDP that the
rest of the group probably have taken stock of her and are very
unlikely to take anything she says about the two of you
seriously - others may well have been getting similar harassment
- so you needn’t worry on that score.
You and Consort need to keep each other updated about
interactions with her, so that the two of you can maintain a
consistent united front and not be wrong-footed by her or give
her the idea that there’s potential to make a rift between you.
If both of you manage to grey-rock her consistently, hopefully
she may just give up. But if this continues, you (plural) may
need to talk to other members of the group about her.
#Post#: 75222--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: LifeOnPluto Date: May 2, 2022, 7:15 am
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How is she even still part of the hobby group? Surely you and
your SO aren't the only ones who find her behaviour unsettling?
Anyway, on topic, you're not rude for not wanting to be her
friend. As previous posters have said, you've been abundantly
clear with her that her behaviour is inappropriate, and the
reason why. Honestly, at this stage, I actually think she is
veering into harassment territory. You may not be able to get a
restraining order against her from the police, but I would
absolutely let the organiser(s) of the group know what's going
on.
#Post#: 75226--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: Rose Red Date: May 2, 2022, 9:58 am
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Wow. You come right out and say you're not friends, you don't
want to be friends, and give her the reasons and she still won't
leave you alone?!
As an outsider who don't have to deal with her, I feel a little
bit bad for her. It sounds like she never learned how to
interact with people. Since you're already blunt with her, maybe
you can suggest she go to counseling or seek a social skills
support group? Or report it to the group leader and have them
make the suggestion to her?
eta: please note I would never tell someone to go seek help if
I'm not close to them, nor is it the OP's job. I'm just
brainstorming because I'm concerned what will happen if it's not
nipped in the bud.
#Post#: 75228--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: BeagleMommy Date: May 2, 2022, 12:30 pm
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You are not rude. You are not obligated to be friends with her.
Does Consort know how you feel?
My suggestion would be to walk away if she approaches you. If
she follows say "stop following me; we are not friends". If she
sits next to you, don't give her a chance to interact with you.
Get up and move. Mark any letters you receive "return to sender
- refused".
My godson is autistic. He does not pick up on social cues but
he does not exhibit this sort of behavior either.
#Post#: 75230--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: sms Date: May 2, 2022, 3:08 pm
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I wouldn't be repeating myself at this point, she doesn't need
to be told again and again that they aren't friends.
You've been clear, she knows. Even minimal engagement is too
much. Reiterating why you don't want to be friends isn't going
to make a dent.
And I agree, make sure your partner is on the same page. It
won't do if he continues to engage her, however kind and well
intentioned he may be.
#Post#: 75248--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't want to be this woman's friend
By: NFPwife Date: May 3, 2022, 8:50 pm
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[quote author=Xainte link=topic=2340.msg75230#msg75230
date=1651522089]
I wouldn't be repeating myself at this point, she doesn't need
to be told again and again that they aren't friends.
You've been clear, she knows. Even minimal engagement is too
much. Reiterating why you don't want to be friends isn't going
to make a dent.
And I agree, make sure your partner is on the same page. It
won't do if he continues to engage her, however kind and well
intentioned he may be.
[/quote]
I agree with Xainte, especially the bolded, and since she's
attacked his reputation/ character, I think it's unwise to the
point of being dangerous to be kind to her. Any small nicety
could be misinterpreted as interest and leave him open to more
of her awkward advances and subsequent storytelling/ lying. The
kindest thing he can do is tell her he's not interested and then
be very clear in matching his actions to those statements.
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