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#Post#: 75132--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: Rose Red Date: April 26, 2022, 10:49 am
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Your quote "I've also been direct with "no-- DH is a great dad
and does lots of stuff with the kids" just to hear Walt respond
dismissively."
It's time to be blunt. Hold up your hand and tell him to STOP in
in the middle of his insults. Tell him he's WRONG and he doesn't
know what he's talking about and you won't listen to his
falsehoods anymore. Walk away.
Since he has low-contact with his own children, I suspect he's
trying to prove he's a good father and a better father than you
husband. Don't let him put down your husband so he can prop
himself up in his own mind.
#Post#: 75136--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: mime Date: April 26, 2022, 11:43 am
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[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=2337.msg75114#msg75114
date=1650948662]
I appreciate your update. This still feels weird; he might be
trying to bond with you in a Mean Girls way or trying to show up
your husband and increase his familial standing. Whatever his
motive, shut this down without going overboard.
A "Walt, I'll thank you not to criticize DH." Or, "Walt, DH and
I are a team, in parenting and life, and I won't have him
rundown. Especially to my children."
If it continues, you can have a firmer response.
[/quote]
This is making me think about the whole dynamic a little more.
Walt's approach toward me does leave a little bit of a Mean Girl
impression, where *I'm* supposed to be the leader. I can't think
of any time in my life that someone has viewed me that way so
this is strange territory for me! I've heard the phrase "pick-me
personality" and it also kind of fits.
So, it does make sense that he's trying to build himself up as
part of Team Pjeans against Team Others and put them down.
What I'm hearing from most of you is that I need to go beyond a
direct response, and get blunt and forceful. I'll give it a try
next time there's a get-together 😀 and I'll use some of
the suggestions here.
And let me say again that I appreciate the earlier responses
that showed concern for my kids' wellbeing. It's wonderful to
know that some strangers look out for each other like that.
❤️
#Post#: 75155--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: jpcher Date: April 27, 2022, 3:41 pm
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pjeans -- thanks for the updates. Your situation is a little bit
clearer now than your OP was. I'm glad that you're going to
address the situation the next time it happens, because I
strongly feel that the longer it goes on the harder it will be
to 'fix.'
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=2337.msg75132#msg75132
date=1650988150]
Your quote "I've also been direct with "no-- DH is a great dad
and does lots of stuff with the kids" just to hear Walt respond
dismissively."
It's time to be blunt. Hold up your hand and tell him to STOP in
in the middle of his insults. Tell him he's WRONG and he doesn't
know what he's talking about and you won't listen to his
falsehoods anymore. Walk away.
Since he has low-contact with his own children, I suspect he's
trying to prove he's a good father and a better father than you
husband. Don't let him put down your husband so he can prop
himself up in his own mind.
[/quote]
I think the above bold is key. Make your statement as it
happens, "Do you realize what you just said?, (use his exact
words and explain why his comment is in bad form)." Interrupting
him makes a strong statement.
I wouldn't walk away, though. Hopefully your thoughts will open
up a two sided conversation where the two of you could come to
an understanding. Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing.
If he's hard-headed or defensive about it? THEN walk away with a
"I don't want to hear your insults about my DH any more."
There's a strong possibility that one conversation will not sink
in. If he disses your DH again, interrupt him with a smile on
your face "Do you know what you just did there?" . . . sorta
like training a child with kindness instead of anger.
Good luck! I hope this works out for you and that you and Walt
will come to a friendly end to this situation.
If you have a mind to, please keep us informed about your next
conversation with Walt.
#Post#: 75159--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: oogyda Date: April 27, 2022, 8:17 pm
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For me, it's the "I really wanted to give him some father-son
time." that makes my head spin.
How dare he!
The only response to that is a stern glare and "You are NOT his
father." said in a bone-chilling tone.
#Post#: 75167--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: vintagegal Date: April 28, 2022, 7:15 am
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[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2337.msg75159#msg75159
date=1651108643]
For me, it's the "I really wanted to give him some father-son
time." that makes my head spin.
How dare he!
The only response to that is a stern glare and "You are NOT his
father." said in a bone-chilling tone.
[/quote]
Or, "He gets plenty of that with HIS DAD." If you are feeling
charitable (and why would you) you could add "Uncle time is
always nice too." Remind him of his place.
#Post#: 77493--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: SnappyLT Date: October 22, 2022, 6:14 pm
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pjeans, I know your OP was a long time ago.
I'm just curious to learn if you have any updates since your
last reply. How has Walt been behaving more recently?
#Post#: 77548--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: mime Date: October 28, 2022, 1:34 pm
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[quote author=SnappyLT link=topic=2337.msg77493#msg77493
date=1666480457]
pjeans, I know your OP was a long time ago.
I'm just curious to learn if you have any updates since your
last reply. How has Walt been behaving more recently?
[/quote]
Thanks for asking!
I'd say things have improved partially because I've kept Walt at
arm's length from my family. I felt like that would break him of
the mindset tgat he was a strong presence in my kids' lives.
Twice when we had gatherings, he started up with his Team Pjeans
and anti-DH talk. I corrected him and was met with complete
shutdown, almost like he didn't hear me. That was weird but I'm
not sure exactly what reaction I expected.
It's funny: I was direct before, and I was pleased with myself
for learning that on this forum and applying it. I expected it
to work... but it didn't. As one of you said above, I needed to
be blunt!
I think things are looking good. I wonder if I'll always have to
be on guard with Walt to keep him in line, or if he'll gradually
behave. I suppose time will tell?
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