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#Post#: 75097--------------------------------------------------
No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: mime Date: April 25, 2022, 2:38 pm
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I'm looking for help getting the right words.
I have a relative(Walt) who we really didn't know well until the
last year or so. He and the family are all nice and we like
spending time together.
But there's a problem: He's under the impression that my DH is a
very disengaged father. Walt's 100% wrong but can't seem to see
it.
About a year ago Walt helped my teenager with a project that
involved a shared interest and my kid really enjoyed it. The
next day I thanked him and told him how cool I thought it was.
Instead of "you're welcome" or "my pleasure" or something like
that, Walt said "I really wanted to give him some father-son
time," with a very sympathetic tone. I didn't respond to that
comment because I was caught by surprise in that moment. I'm
seeing it more often now: he tries to take on a fatherly role
with my kids, with fun-dad playing or teaching moments or
assigning chores.
He comments about DH from time to time and it bugs me. I've
become hyper-aware of what i say about DH, being extra careful
not to say anything that feeds Walt's narrative. I've also been
direct with "no-- DH is a great dad and does lots of stuff with
the kids" just to hear Walt respond dismissively.
What makes it worse is that he has kids of his own-- and the
grown one is low contact. I don't exactly get "super dad" vibes
from Walt.
Now I'm looking for words to use when the topic comes up. I want
to make Walt shut his stupid mou-- uhh... that is... I want to
defend DH and end the weird display of pity from Walt.
Any ideas are appreciated!
#Post#: 75100--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: jpcher Date: April 25, 2022, 3:32 pm
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Wow. So many questions come to mind before I can give a true
response.
Who, exactly, is Walt? Why is he so important?
Why did Walt come back into your lives a year ago? Is there a
reason why he still needs to be a part of your life? After
dissing your DH/your son's father in such a manner?
Does Walt talk 'smack' about your son's father in front of your
son? You might not know about private conversations, but I think
this is a Danger Zone.
How old is your child?
Without knowing details, all I can say is there is no need for
kind/deflecting words. Simply cut this man out of your family
life. It doesn't sound worth the drama that it might cause.
In other words, again, without knowing details, simply say "Stop
talking bad about my DHs fathering style or Stop being involved
with our lives. Your choice. End of story."
#Post#: 75101--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: sandisadie Date: April 25, 2022, 3:47 pm
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Jpcher replied while I was trying to digest your inquiry. I
have to agree with her. Without details as to how and why this
man is so entwined with your family after what he has said over
time it is hard to imagine why you are still engaging with him.
If this was a relative of mine I'd see that he stayed away. A
thought that I have is that it could be time that you had some
words with his actual children to see what they think about how
he is behaving. The word "grooming" comes to my mind.
#Post#: 75103--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: NFPwife Date: April 25, 2022, 4:27 pm
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I agree with jpcher and sandisadie, get rid of Walt. There's
something off that you can't quite put your finger on, but all
your spidey senses are tingling, right? If you feel like you
have to have enough concrete evidence to take that step, you
don't. This isn't a court of law and not even a preponderance of
the evidence is needed, there's enough here to make you
uncomfortable. Time to cut direct.
#Post#: 75112--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: mime Date: April 25, 2022, 9:37 pm
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OK, I appreciate the concern, but this has gone in the wrong
direction. Walt isn't doing anything to make me worry that my
kids are physically or psychologically unsafe. At all.
I think this is more of a competitive thing. He criticizes his
wife a lot and I feel like he's looking for commiseration by
framing me and him as great parents and framing our spouses as
not-so-great. I do think that what he's doing is an attempt to
score points with me rather than gaining any closeness to my
kids.
To answer some questions: this family lived several states away
until a year or two ago, which is why they suddenly came back
into our routine. Walt and I are both in the extended family by
marriage, and often our partners are off talking about their
family stuff during gatherings, which gives us time to interact.
This is when he's most likely to make the "sympathetic" comments
to me.
This isn't the main theme of our get-togethers, which are
usually really fun for everyone. This is just a recurring thing
that I want to stop.
#Post#: 75113--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: Rho Date: April 25, 2022, 10:37 pm
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Is he framing you as a great parent or is he critical of
everyone because that's his personality?
#Post#: 75114--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: NFPwife Date: April 25, 2022, 11:51 pm
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I appreciate your update. This still feels weird; he might be
trying to bond with you in a Mean Girls way or trying to show up
your husband and increase his familial standing. Whatever his
motive, shut this down without going overboard.
A "Walt, I'll thank you not to criticize DH." Or, "Walt, DH and
I are a team, in parenting and life, and I won't have him
rundown. Especially to my children."
If it continues, you can have a firmer response.
#Post#: 75117--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: vintagegal Date: April 26, 2022, 6:22 am
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Maybe subtly turn it back on him - "Walt, I notice you do (such
and such) with the kids - their dad always does (something
slightly different), the kids like it better that way."
#Post#: 75118--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: Hmmm Date: April 26, 2022, 7:56 am
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I think it is time to be direct. "Walt, DH is a great father who
is very engaged with his kids and who will continue to have a
good relationship with his kids once they are grown. It annoys
the crap out of me when you imply he isn't. I need to get a
refill. Enjoy your afternoon."
#Post#: 75121--------------------------------------------------
Re: No, my DH is not lacking as a dad
By: TootsNYC Date: April 26, 2022, 8:42 am
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Why not bring it up directly, and face it dead on?
"Walt, You just criticized my husband and implied that he's a
deficient father, and that you--as an extendede family
member--are a better father to my children than their own dad. I
find that incredibly offensive, and you must stop. My husband is
a very engaged father, but apparently you are refusing to see
that or to acknowledge it, and it is beyond insulting. We enjoy
your company, and your having a good relationship with my kids
is a nice thing. But not if the price for that is that you
constantly belittle their own loving, deeply involved father.
"let me point out to you that the reason my son was so
comfortable and easy with you on that first project is that he
gets a lot of PRACTICE interacting with father-type figures
because he interacts so frequently and so well with HIS OWN
FATHER.
"perhaps you are taking that as evidence that my husband
is not a good dad, but I assure you it is the opposite. It is
evidence that my children's father is deeply involved with them,
and that my kids are completely comfortable and happy with their
dad.
"You must stop with these comments. You are offending me,
you are insulting my husband, and you are wronging our children.
Perhaps you didn't realize, but you are entitled to know the
damage you are causing, so now I am telling you."
If that's too long, etc., make it shorter:
"Walt, you keep making comments like this that imply my husband
is a bad dad. He's not--and you need to stop. It upsets me, it's
grossly unfair to my husband, and it's damaging to the
relationship between our families."
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