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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 75043--------------------------------------------------
Blowing Off The Plans
By: DaDancingPsych Date: April 22, 2022, 11:27 pm
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Maybe I'm being over sensitive or looking at this in a strange
way. I have season tickets to the theater with two friends
(Sandy and Maria). I see it as a commitment and don't allow
other things to get in the way. In the five-ish years that we've
done this, I have never missed a show or been late. Even when I
received a better offer on my birthday, I declined the other
outing because we had show tickets for that night. We do have
some flexibility if someone has something come up as we can
exchange the tickets for a different evening or even give / sell
a ticket to another mutual friend.
When Sandy joined our group, she seemed to never treat it as a
commitment. She's usually late and has flaked out last minute to
a handful of shows. I decided a long time ago that I just
wouldn't concern myself with her attendance and would enjoy the
experience no matter what. She recently moved closer to Maria
and they have been carpooling. I thought that this might at
least fix her tardiness... no such luck. Then there was tonight.
I'm in my seat (30 minutes prior to curtain) waiting for the
other two to arrive and I receive a text message. They decided
to go to dinner prior to the show and they are going to be late.
I don't know if I was more disappointed that they didn't invite
me to dinner or the fact that they were late, but I decided to
let it go. Five minutes prior to curtain, I received another
text message suggesting that we blow off the show and instead go
for drinks somewhere. I really wasn't interested in wasting the
money spent on the ticket and after going to all the trouble of
getting to the theater, finding parking, and managing to arrive
early, I hated the idea of having to rush back out of the
theater, pay for my parking, and drive to whatever bar they had
in mind (likely in the opposite direction as home.) My reply was
along the lines that they were welcome to do whatever they
wanted. I KNEW that this would force their hand and they would
attend the show (and they did, 15 minutes late), but that wasn't
really my purpose. I was annoyed enough that I hoped that they
didn't show. However, I just wanted to see the show as planned,
which was my only goal. I think that they were slightly annoyed
with me, but I feel like I was the one wronged in this
situation. Was I wrong for not being flexible with the plan?
#Post#: 75044--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: lakey Date: April 22, 2022, 11:38 pm
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I think that their wanting to change plans 30 minutes before the
start is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. Also, if this is
live theater, if they are arriving after curtain time, that is
rude to others in the audience and really rude to the
performers. I would have a difficult time making plans with
people who couldn't make plans and follow through. Sorry for
you.
#Post#: 75045--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: Rose Red Date: April 23, 2022, 12:10 am
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No you are not wrong. I hate last minute changes/cancellation
unless there's an emergency. Especially when it involves money
and the emotion of looking forward to the event.
If it were me, I will just start expecting to go alone. You will
enjoy it more without the anxiety of wondering if the will show
or not. Just keep telling them you're going to enjoy the show as
planned, that you don't mind if they do something else and maybe
you'll catch them at the next show.
#Post#: 75046--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: Aleko Date: April 23, 2022, 1:59 am
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They were 100% in the wrong - triply wrong, in fact. First off:
when three people are going to an event, and two of them decide
it's convenient/sociable for them to have dinner together
beforehand, they should at least ask the third whether they want
to join them. It might not be practicable for No. 3 if they are
travelling to the event from an opposite direction, but at least
they should make the offer. Second: they should not allow their
dinner to make them late for curtain-up; that, as lakey
correctly says, is rude to literally hundreds of people. Third:
even if they decided they weren't really interested in the show
as such, to suggest 5 minutes before curtain-up that No. 3
should just extract themselves from their theatre seat, abandon
their (probably pre-paid) parking spot, and come and join them
wherever else they plan to go, however inconvenient . . . just
no.
Anyway, DDP, you weren't being inflexible at all. You decided to
do what you really felt like doing right then, and told them
they were free to do whatever they really felt like doing. How
is that inflexible?
#Post#: 75047--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: LifeOnPluto Date: April 23, 2022, 3:57 am
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How many performances are there per season? Generally speaking,
if I'd bought season tickets with friends, I'd expect them to
attend most (if not all) performances, and only skip them if
there was a good reason (such as a family birthday dinner, or
sickness, etc).
The exception to the above is if the performances were quite
varied. For example, if the theatre did say, 25% Shakespeare,
and 75% other playwrights, and your friends absolutely hated
Shakespeare, I wouldn't fault them for skipping the Shakespeare
plays.
I also wonder if your friends are looking at this from a
different angle? Their perspective might be: "The main purpose
of season tickets is to attend only the shows that I enjoy" or
even "The main purpose of season tickets is to attend if I've
got nothing better to do on that particular night". And your
perspective might be: "The main purpose of season tickets is to
spend time with my friends, and enjoy the shows together"?
With that said, I do think that on this particular night, your
friends were definitely rude! If they'd indicated that they were
going to attend that show, they should have followed through.
And not inviting you to dinner beforehand (even if there was a
strong chance you couldn't have made it) was just plain
inconsiderate and hurtful. I think you did nothing wrong by
standing your ground and refusing to change your plans and go to
the bar.
#Post#: 75050--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: sms Date: April 23, 2022, 10:45 am
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I concur with everyone, trying to change things up last minute
is really rude and inconsiderate. I can see Life on Pluto's
point that having season's tickets might mean that you can pick
and choose which shows you want to go to.
If I had seasons tickets I wouldn't feel I had to go to every
single show but I would want to make sure I got my money's
worth.
But if I made the plans with others then blowing them off is
unacceptable unless there's a really solid reason like illness
or an emergency. When will these types realize that flaking out
and changing plans is really disrespectful of other people time.
money and friendship? If you're making plans it means you are
forgoing other things, you've arranged your schedule, you've
said no to other opportunities. But I think people are so
afraid of being seen as rigid and uptight that they swallow a
lot of crap.
This would warrant a frank discussion about what having seasons
tickets means to each of you - maybe you could figure out which
shows are "must sees" and which you could give a pass or go by
yourself. But absolutely you were not wrong to feel that way,
it was very rude!
#Post#: 75057--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: April 23, 2022, 6:31 pm
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I agree with everyone else. They were so rude, and on several
different levels.
#Post#: 75069--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: DaDancingPsych Date: April 24, 2022, 9:28 am
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Thank you for all of your words. You have helped me think
through this.
Yes, this is live theater and they both attend enough live
theater to be savvy enough to understand that arriving late is
rude. Sandy has arrived past curtain to at least one show every
season (this was her show). Maria is naturally a late person but
to her credit, she has picked up that I am not and has tried her
best to arrive at an appropriate time. Unfortunately, now that
she is carpooling with Sandy it appears that I should not
anticipate that happening anymore. I do find it embarrassing
when someone comes in late (I know that I find it distracting
when other parties are late). And maybe more selfishly, it
removes the opportunity to socialize prior to the show.
I do not mind attending the theater alone and do so quite a bit.
These shows tend to be a change of pace by allowing me someone
to attend with. However, I must admit that I always question
whether it is worth putting up with the tardiness and flakiness
(specifically of Sandy). I have considered inviting them to
other shows that I attend, but mostly have decided to just go
alone; I wanted to enjoy the show without all of the worry.
I didn't feel like I could be hurt over them going to dinner
together, but I was. I would have likely declined the invitation
as I know that they would not have planned enough time to make
it to the theater in time (which was proved.) And I sometimes go
to dinner alone before the show and have not invited them. It's
bad enough to be sitting at the theater alone wondering what
time they will arrive. But I know that I would be doing the same
to me at the restaurant, which would make me doubly anxious as I
would be concerned about getting to the theater. I don't think
that they were trying to leave me out; they just now live on the
same side of town. But I wish they would have just not mentioned
the plans to me.
There are typically six/seven shows a season. Every season we
have had at least one show that happened to fall during the same
night that someone had something important going on. The theater
offers tons of options on swapping your tickets so that you are
not losing your money. So with enough notice, most conflicts can
be avoided. Maria has missed a few shows over the years, but
they have always been for unavoidable reasons. Sandy just flakes
out last minute claiming that she forgot or can't find her
ticket (which with proper identification, the theater will
reprint the tickets), or that she's too tired/stressed. The
reasoning has never been because they didn't care for a show
(which again, the theater offers options for).
But I think LifeOnPluto (to no surprise to anyone), expressed my
thoughts exactly. My main purpose *IS* to attend the show with
friends. I could see any of these alone on my own as I do other
shows, but this is supposed to be something different for me. If
they didn't want to commit to the entire season, then there are
other options for us.
But thank you everyone; you have soothed my disappointment. I
think that I need to approach future shows anticipating these
sort of behaviors. I can't change them, just how I react.
Obviously, I do enjoy their company, so there are redeeming
reasons why I would do this. But I was feeling like a
fuddy-duddy for not changing on a whim. I guess we'll see what
the future brings!
#Post#: 75071--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: Rose Red Date: April 24, 2022, 10:22 am
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Do they (especially Sandy) even want to see the shows or do they
just buy tickets to socialize with you? If they just want to
socialize, perhaps it's best to do things that doesn't need
advance planning or tickets.
But I agree you should just use your tickets without worrying if
they will show up. On show day, just tell them "I will have
dinner at X restaurant at 5:30pm and be at the theater door a
7pm. Hope you can join me." Then come what may. Order food and
eat at your own pace; don't wait for them to show up. If they
stay late at the restaurant, leave without them and tell them
you'll see them at the theater. The key is not changing your
schedule for them. You want to relax and not rush because of
them.
#Post#: 75074--------------------------------------------------
Re: Blowing Off The Plans
By: NyaChan Date: April 24, 2022, 11:09 am
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Depending on the relationship you have, I might pull Maria aside
for a conversation and be gentle but frank. Let her know that
you went in on the season ticket group because you enjoy
attending the shows and like her company but you’ve gotten
the impression that she is no longer interested after what has
happened the last few times. Ask if she wants to continue and if
so, can you and her agree that on show nights, the plan is just
the show or the show with coffee/drinks after to ensure that
everyone is on the same page and on time. If she isn’t all
that interested, maybe consider ahead of time whether you want
to see her enough to set up a different kind of activity to
replace this time so she knows that you still consider her a
friend.
I see this as her being mostly interested but easily influenced
by the third member to do other things. As in, if it were just
the two of you, Maria would mostly enjoy going to the shows with
you, but because Sandy wants to do more and acts like it’s
not rude to move plans around like that (it is!), she falls in
with her.
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