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#Post#: 74963--------------------------------------------------
My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't want
it.
By: Victoria Date: April 19, 2022, 9:53 am
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I'm struggling a bit with how to be polite in this situation,
because on paper this sounds like a lovely thing to do, but I
just see it as a tangible reminder that my parents are
self-centered (something they always accused me of being) and
I'm pretty sure they just put all this stuff together to get it
out of the house, and to take a trip down memory lane with
rose-colored glasses on. My parents have taken decades of
memorabilia, photos, old report cards, etc., shredded about 90%
of it, and made the rest into a gigantic scrapbook that's heavy
and awkward to look through without consulting me. I realize
that I didn't "own" any of that stuff, but it would have been
nice to have been given the opportunity. I also had an argument
with them about including items from my 8th grade softball team.
I asked them not to include that stuff, they were perplexed as
to why since I was so good, and I snapped at them and said that
I was called fat, made fun of for everything from my unibrow to
my off-brand sneakers, and constantly reminded that nobody liked
me even though again, I was very good. So naturally they
dedicated a whole page to 8th grade softball. And there's
another for band, which I have many times said that I should
have dropped for another elective. I'm not suggesting anyone
pretend that I wasn't in band, but there's a difference in that
and highlighting the experience. The whole thing just feels like
a monument to my parents never listening to me and never taking
into account what I want unless it was something that they
already wanted or made them look good.
I've already had one "discussion" with my mom about this and
told her that she and my dad made this thing for themselves
without consulting me. I said that if they really wanted to do
something "for me," they would have let me look through the
photos and other items that they shredded, but I knew the were
just sick of everything taking up space in the house. I
ultimately left the scrapbook at their house because they wanted
to look at it while doing my brother's, but now his is nearly
complete, and I'm going to have to deal with this eight-pound
monstrosity of a scrapbook in my tiny condo. I know what the
etiquette of gift-giving is but this feels like a lot. I'm
tempted to accept it and salvage it for parts, but I'm afraid
it's the kind of "gift" that's going to come up in conversation
again so I'm not sure what to do.
#Post#: 74965--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: Rose Red Date: April 19, 2022, 10:23 am
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Is there anything in there that you want? Take those and give
the rest back to them. You already told them your feelings but
they don't seem to respect them (or they are rewriting history
in their minds to live with themselves). Warn them if they don't
take it back, it goes into the trash and it's gone forever once
the garbage truck take it away (tell them the garbage pickup
day). They don't seem to listen or respect your feelings so they
can live with any consequences.
Otherwise, do you have a basement or attic where you can dump
it?
#Post#: 74966--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: Victoria Date: April 19, 2022, 10:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=2332.msg74965#msg74965
date=1650381813]
Is there anything in there that you want? Take those and give
the rest back to them. You already told them your feelings but
they don't seem to respect them (or they are rewriting history
in their minds to live with themselves). Warn them if they don't
take it back, it goes into the trash and it's gone forever once
the garbage truck take it away (tell them the garbage pickup
day). They don't seem to listen or respect your feelings so they
can live with any consequences.
Otherwise, do you have a basement or attic where you can dump
it?
[/quote]
I'm afraid that cannibalizing it for parts and then giving the
rest back would cause a lot of drama, unfortunately, but now
that I'm typing it out I really think my choices might be
between drama and just smiling and nodding and taking the thing.
There are pictures and things in there that I would want but
they've added a bunch of "stuff" to it. I live in a 700 square
foot space, so I don't really have room for unnecessary items at
this point.
#Post#: 74968--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: Rose Red Date: April 19, 2022, 10:36 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Victoria link=topic=2332.msg74966#msg74966
date=1650382418]
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=2332.msg74965#msg74965
date=1650381813]
Is there anything in there that you want? Take those and give
the rest back to them. You already told them your feelings but
they don't seem to respect them (or they are rewriting history
in their minds to live with themselves). Warn them if they don't
take it back, it goes into the trash and it's gone forever once
the garbage truck take it away (tell them the garbage pickup
day). They don't seem to listen or respect your feelings so they
can live with any consequences.
Otherwise, do you have a basement or attic where you can dump
it?
[/quote]
I'm afraid that cannibalizing it for parts and then giving the
rest back would cause a lot of drama, unfortunately, but now
that I'm typing it out I really think my choices might be
between drama and just smiling and nodding and taking the thing.
There are pictures and things in there that I would want but
they've added a bunch of "stuff" to it. I live in a 700 square
foot space, so I don't really have room for unnecessary items at
this point.
[/quote]
Can you ask them to keep it at their house as a "favor for you"
since you don't have space?
#Post#: 74969--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: oogyda Date: April 19, 2022, 11:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Accept it, salvage the parts you wish to keep and dispose of the
rest. If it comes up in conversation, simple deflect past any
specifics.
"I don't know exactly where it is right now."
"I haven't looked at it in ages."
"That was certainly a heavy book."
Or, you could let them know what you did and deal with the
consequences.
I had an item handed down from my parents that was very
meaningful to mom. To me that meant it had to be special to me,
too and she made it clear that it was an honor to have been
granted said item. It also took up 36 cubic feet of space that
I didn't have for "frivolous" items so it lived in the attic. A
few years ago, DH and I were cleaning and organizing the attic
and I expressed a long held desire to get rid of it, but doing
so would make me feel guilty and unappreciative. DH asked me to
tell him about it. Why was it so special and what was my
attachment to it. In the telling of it's history, I realized
that it was not special to me and that I had a lot of resentment
around it's being forced on me. Out it went and I never
regretted that.
It has come up in conversation and it has been easy to deflect
until mom asked me directly if I still have it. I said "I
don't." Then she asked what happened to it and I said "I don't
remember. It's been a long time." I could tell she was upset,
but didn't press it.
#Post#: 74971--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: TootsNYC Date: April 19, 2022, 12:21 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I have given my kids the "this is really special to me, and you
are to use it carefully and protect its existence and its good
condition—and you should feel totally free to throw it in the
garbage once I'm dead. Because it shouldn't matter to you."
I mean, if they decided they valued it because it was
something I valued--have at it, kids.
I have a huge resentment when people assign a sentimental
meaning to things for me.
The heirlooms I value, I value for personal, quirky reasons. It
feels so disrespectful for people to assume or to assert that I
must value something.
I commented elsewhere on the Internet that my Great Aunt Frieda
Schmidt, whom I had never met and would never travel to my
wedding, sent me a crocheted potholder (she'd made it in the
activities at her retirement home) as a wedding gift because I'd
sent her an invite, because my mother told me Aunt Frieda would
consider that an honor, and an acknowledgment of the extended
family and her ties to it.
Someone commented, "and i bet you treasured that." I'm
like, No, I kept it around for a little bit, and then got rid of
it." I kept the memory; I didn't need to keep the object.
I also find that some objects that are intended to be
sentimental actually do the opposite. The mug I was given that
said, "Certified Best Mom"? I didn't drink coffee; it was in the
way; the saying annoyed me--and instead of being reminded of the
affection between me and the gift giver, I found it was eating
away at my good thoughts of them, like an acid.
In Victoria's situation, I'd want to find a way to get rid of it
completely.
Maybe it can get water damaged when the apartment upstairs
leaks?
(I was regifted an incredibly ugly Capo di Monte vase as a
bridal shower present; I was talking about how my now husband
had been cavalier with it when loading it into the car, in
joking hopes it would break, and the friend I was telling the
story to said, "Take it out back and smash it with a hammer." I
got that guilty little laugh you get when something is true...
And that phrase has been one of my repeats now. I might find a
way to take this out back and smash it with a
hammer--metaphorically.)
If I couldn't get rid of it, I might stress that they needed to
keep it safe for me, at their house, since I have so little
space. And so they can show it off to others.
#Post#: 74980--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: DaDancingPsych Date: April 20, 2022, 9:05 am
---------------------------------------------------------
It sounds like parts of your relationship with your parents is
challenging for you. So, what is the path that would create the
best conditions for you? If taking the scrap book and then
having it "disappear" (whether that's in the trash or in a
hidden space) makes the smoothest path, then go for it. If it's
best if you draw your line in the sand, refuse to accept the
book, and deal with their reaction is going to create a better
boundary for future you, then have at it. But you don't need to
welcome this book into your home and display it on the mantel.
But I would make this decision less upon etiquette and more
about the relationship that I am attempting to maintain or mold
with my parents.
#Post#: 74989--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: mime Date: April 20, 2022, 2:48 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'd scan the pages or pics that I like. A digital copy takes so
little physical space!
Let your parents know that so they'll have the satisfaction of
knowing you received their gift. Tell them they should keep the
original because you just don't have space. If they insist then
I think it's fair to store it away... in the recycling bin.
I remember a trend in crafting where moms made scrapbooks for
their kids with a whole album for each year oflife. The plan was
to present the collection of EIGHTEEN ALBUMS to the kid upon
high school graduation. The moms i know who did it wound up
keeping the gift until their kids had room... They're probably
in attics now.
So, I guess it could be worse!
#Post#: 74991--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: vintagegal Date: April 20, 2022, 3:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=pjeans link=topic=2332.msg74989#msg74989
date=1650484113]
I'd scan the pages or pics that I like. A digital copy takes so
little physical space!
Let your parents know that so they'll have the satisfaction of
knowing you received their gift. Tell them they should keep the
original because you just don't have space. If they insist then
I think it's fair to store it away... in the recycling bin.
I remember a trend in crafting where moms made scrapbooks for
their kids with a whole album for each year oflife. The plan was
to present the collection of EIGHTEEN ALBUMS to the kid upon
high school graduation. The moms i know who did it wound up
keeping the gift until their kids had room... They're probably
in attics now.
So, I guess it could be worse!
[/quote]
I saw a documentary about a mom who started doing this; by the
time her second kid came around, she realized she was avoiding
actually DOING things with her kids because the scrapbooking was
taking up so much time. So she quit and was much happier.
If you really don't have space for it (under a bed, chair or
sofa comes to mind) then salvage what you want and don't worry
about the rest.
#Post#: 74997--------------------------------------------------
Re: My parents made a scrapbook "for" me, and I don't
want it.
By: oogyda Date: April 20, 2022, 4:06 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=vintagegal link=topic=2332.msg74991#msg74991
date=1650484828]
clipped
If you really don't have space for it (under a bed, chair or
sofa comes to mind) then salvage what you want and don't worry
about the rest.
[/quote]
I disagree with this. It's not whether or not she "really"
doesn't have room for it, it's whether or not she "really" wants
it at all.
Once given, it is hers to do with as she pleases.
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