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#Post#: 74767--------------------------------------------------
Mask issue at church
By: sms Date: April 8, 2022, 8:16 am
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Hi everyone,
I have a combination feeling of guilt and annoyance over being
"called out".
Our province ( Ontario ) dropped the masking requirement not too
long ago. My family and I are triple vaxxed and followed the
mask requirements while they were in effect but stopped wearing
them when we didn't have to anymore. Our church has announced
that everyone needs to be respectful of others choices while
attending Mass and that anyone who wished to social distance can
use the choir loft as there are pews up there. No mention was
made that using the choir loft required wearing a mask.
My husband has some immune / health concerns but found the mask
extremely uncomfortable with his respiratory issues and while he
wore it when required he sometimes ended up leaving places when
he found it unbearable.
I can see how people might think social distancing area = masks.
It's just not how we saw it, maybe that is our error. We
thought it was a good alternative and were able to be quite a
distance from the few others who were up there. If we couldn't
we would have sucked it up and stayed down in the main area.
I got an email from a woman I know slightly that with her
husbands recent cancer recurrence could we please wear masks or
not sit up there as they were using the choir loft to sit apart
from others. I haven't answered yet and I plan to honour her
request because I don't want to add to their troubles , however
I am feeling a little dictated to / scolded. I struggle with
effectively standing up for myself and I'm a bit sensitive when
I feel like I'm being pushed around.
I'm also trying to not apologize unnecessarily.
So I want to answer back with sympathy and understanding but
should I be apologizing?
#Post#: 74769--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: NFPwife Date: April 8, 2022, 9:59 am
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In our church the choir loft is designated for "those who are
being cautious" and everyone who uses the area is expected to
wear masks. I'm high risk; my DH and I have four shots and we're
still wearing masks indoors. We sit in the main portion of the
church with KN95 masks.
I think you both had different interpretations of the guideline
for using the social distancing area. I'd look at the bulletin
and any online announcements to check your understanding before
replying. Then, tell her your understanding was that the area is
for social distancing and you weren't aware that masks are
required. (I'm not sure of the woman's personality or your other
interactions with her, but I'm going to assume that it might be
as hard for her to advocate for herself and her needs as it is
for you. Add in that her husband's cancer has recurred and it's
a really fraught situation.)
If you're comfortable you can say that you're being cautious and
that your husband's health problems make it hard for him to
tolerate a mask. Tell her that you're doing your best to
navigate current guidelines, risk, and your personal health
situation. Then, offer that you won't sit there. (Her knowing
that you're being generally cautious and aren't just crashing
the area because the seats are more comfy might make a
difference.)
I'd also check with the priest or parish council to see if a
clarification should be made on the use of that area.
(Just a random- Has your husband tried a duckbill KN95? I find
them the easiest to wear.)
#Post#: 74771--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: sms Date: April 8, 2022, 10:31 am
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I'll double-check the bulletin, in the weekly announcements they
just mentioned the loft for generic ""social distancing but it's
worth a second look to be sure.
In fairness her husbands issues are much more severe. My
husband does wear a mask when needed, he just has some sinus /
respiratory issues that make it very uncomfortable to the point
of being short of breath sometimes so we were all happy when the
mask mandate was dropped.
I felt a bit bad but a little resentful about the chastisement
when we aren't breaking any rules and have our own reasons to
sit there. Maybe she thought we were just reckless when that
wasn't the intent. I thought the distance was more than enough.
That being said we will accommodate her, likely sitting
downstairs and not wearing masks.
I don't know her well, I've helped out on a few things with her
which is why she had my email address. I don't think she has
trouble advocating for herself from what I can see. I do like
your ideas for the response :)
#Post#: 74777--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: lowspark Date: April 8, 2022, 2:14 pm
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[quote author=Xainte link=topic=2325.msg74767#msg74767
date=1649423778]
I got an email from a woman I know slightly that with her
husbands recent cancer recurrence could we please wear masks or
not sit up there as they were using the choir loft to sit apart
from others.
[/quote]
Unless she was scolding in some way, which it doesn't sound like
she was, I don't see this as her calling you out. Particularly
if it wasn't made clear about whether masks were required, I see
it more of asking you to do her a bit of a favor. And in these
times, when someone asks for social distancing or masking,
especially because of an compromised immune system, I strongly
lean toward cutting them as much slack as I can.
I wouldn't apologize because I don't think you've done anything
wrong. I would just reply that you'll comply and send wishes for
her husband's speedy recovery.
#Post#: 74778--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: Gellchom Date: April 8, 2022, 2:23 pm
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Lowspark responded while I was writing, and, as usual, I agree
with her.
Without knowing exactly how she put it, it's really hard to
respond, but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty OR
annoyed about.
You wrote that you are "feeling a little dictated to / scolded
... like I'm being pushed around." You say you feel "called
out" and that you feel "a little resentful about the
chastisement."
But all you told us was:
[quote]I got an email from a woman I know slightly that with her
husbands recent cancer recurrence could we please wear masks or
not sit up there as they were using the choir loft to sit apart
from others. [/quote]
Maybe her actual words were harsh and punitive, but looking at
what you related, I don't see anything there that sounds like
dictating, scolding, pushing around, calling out, or chastising.
It feels to me like maybe you are very thoughtful of others and
hard on yourself when you feel you may accidentally done
something wrong. So it may just be the voice in your own head
chastising yourself.
We don't know, of course. But it just doesn't sound to me
either like you did anything terrible, or that she was
chastising you. Neither of you did anything wrong.
You made a reasonable assumption and acted accordingly.
She has a husband with (you acknowledge) a serious health
condition, so they feel that they need maximal protection.
Unless there was a nasty tone involved, it sounds like she was
simply requesting your help in that (and using an email to give
you some distance rather than confronting you in church).
You're both fine! She had a legitimate concern, and she
communicated it properly.
Now it's your turn. You seem very concerned about giving an
"unnecessary" apology. It's easy. You just thank her for
bringing the issue to your attention, apologize for the
misunderstanding and/or for any inconvenience it caused them,
and assure them that in the future you will be sure to wear your
masks in that area.
#Post#: 74787--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: sms Date: April 8, 2022, 3:56 pm
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Thank you Lowspark and Gellchom, your thoughtful replies have
helped me put it in perspective :) I checked the bulletin
worried I had somehow missed something about masks in the choir
loft. Nothing is there.
I did feel a bit scolded, I wish I didn't but you're both right,
she probably didn't mean it to sound that way. I'm sure she had
no intent to push me around, I admit that's a particular
sensitivity of mine.
I have to say though, if it were me I would really go out of my
way to make sure the other person knew they weren't doing
anything wrong. I would be very conscious that I was asking a
favour, that I didn't know the circumstances surrounding the
decisions and choices of others and I would want to convey that.
Maybe that's what bothered me a bit: I would have had such a
hard time asking that of someone, I would have felt soooo
demanding. Not that I think that's a good thing, I should be
able to ask a bit more but I find it really hard to do.
Could I be envious of that ability? Maybe!
Maybe it's just the strong opinions surrounding vaccines and
masks etc that has me feeling a little more raw about the
decisions we make.
I did respond and told her we have no problem sitting
downstairs. And I don't mind, their health concerns are much
more serious. I would hate to add to their stress levels so I
am going to honour her wishes.
#Post#: 74792--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: Gellchom Date: April 8, 2022, 5:31 pm
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[quote author=Xainte link=topic=2325.msg74787#msg74787
date=1649451373]
Thank you Lowspark and Gellchom, your thoughtful replies have
helped me put it in perspective :) I checked the bulletin
worried I had somehow missed something about masks in the choir
loft. Nothing is there.
I did feel a bit scolded, I wish I didn't but you're both right,
she probably didn't mean it to sound that way. I'm sure she had
no intent to push me around, I admit that's a particular
sensitivity of mine.
I have to say though, if it were me I would really go out of my
way to make sure the other person knew they weren't doing
anything wrong. I would be very conscious that I was asking a
favour, that I didn't know the circumstances surrounding the
decisions and choices of others and I would want to convey that.
Maybe that's what bothered me a bit: I would have had such a
hard time asking that of someone, I would have felt soooo
demanding. Not that I think that's a good thing, I should be
able to ask a bit more but I find it really hard to do.
Could I be envious of that ability? Maybe!
Maybe it's just the strong opinions surrounding vaccines and
masks etc that has me feeling a little more raw about the
decisions we make.
I did respond and told her we have no problem sitting
downstairs. And I don't mind, their health concerns are much
more serious. I would hate to add to their stress levels so I
am going to honour her wishes.
[/quote]
There we have it! An excellent example of "hinter/don't like to
say no" and "direct/hates being manipulated" misunderstanding
each other. Xainte is evidently from the "hinter" school of
thought, where it's considered pushy to ask at all, even nicely,
because it's expected that the ask-ee will not feel right saying
no, so any request is tantamount to a demand, and it had better
be an emergency. Whereas "directs" don't have a problem saying
no when it's not convenient to say yes, so they feel free to ask
others for things, assuming that they too will simply say no if
they don't want to do it, and that will be fine. Xainte, this
woman sounds like a "direct," like me, and if so, she wasn't
chastising or pressuring you, just explaining and asking. Take
her email at face value; don't read into it any pressure or
chastisement, because if it's not there explicitly, she doesn't
mean that. She's just making a reasonable request -- and giving
you the compliment that you are mature and gracious enough to
understand and to comply if it's convenient or just nicely say
no if it's not.
#Post#: 74795--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: sms Date: April 8, 2022, 6:27 pm
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[b]She's just making a reasonable request -- and giving you the
compliment that you are mature and gracious enough to understand
and to comply if it's convenient or just nicely say no if it's
not[/b].
Thank you - this is what I need to remind myself of. Just
because I have a hard time with it doesn't mean others are wrong
if they don't.
Believe it or not I admire direct and think it's possible to do
while acknowledging that the favour might be inconvenient or an
imposition. I try not to hint, if I do ask I try to be clear
but I so rarely ask...
In a perfect world ( well, my perfect world ) there would be
more mutual understanding of both: the hate to ask/ hate to say
no hinters would be less shy about politely speaking up instead
of fretting and stewing and the directs would be a little more
conscious that asking can put people on the spot.
I don't necessarily agree that "directs" always gracefully
accept no for an answer. some do but some just step it up.
My key takeaway is to consciously be aware of my own
sensitivities and faults and make sure I'm not complying to
simply keep the peace or digging in my heels on a reasonable
request just because I have had boundary issues in the past. It
is a reasonable request and I will respect it - only a royal ass
wouldn't - but I need to get over my knee jerk reaction that I
did something wrong. I really didn't.
What can I say? Guilt and martyrdom - it's a Catholic thing ;)
;)
#Post#: 74804--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: LifeOnPluto Date: April 9, 2022, 1:07 am
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To me, it would make a difference in how the email was worded.
If she wrote something like: "Hi Xainte, sorry to be a pain, but
could I ask that you and your family wear masks while sitting in
the loft? Or if that's not possible, sit in the main section? My
husband is recovering from cancer and we just want to take every
precaution. Thanks so much for understanding!" I wouldn't feel
scolded.
On the other hand, if she wrote something like: "Xainte, please
ensure that you and your family wear your masks when sitting in
the loft, or find somewhere else to sit. My husband is
recovering from cancer." then yeah, I'd feel scolded too! I
mean, it's a reasonable request, and I'd still comply, but that
sort of tone would get my hackles up.
#Post#: 74805--------------------------------------------------
Re: Mask issue at church
By: Aleko Date: April 9, 2022, 1:58 am
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[quote]To me, it would make a difference in how the email was
worded. If she wrote something like: "Hi Xainte, sorry to be a
pain, but could I ask that you and your family wear masks while
sitting in the loft? Or if that's not possible, sit in the main
section? My husband is recovering from cancer and we just want
to take every precaution. Thanks so much for understanding!" I
wouldn't feel scolded.
On the other hand, if she wrote something like: "Xainte, please
ensure that you and your family wear your masks when sitting in
the loft, or find somewhere else to sit. My husband is
recovering from cancer." then yeah, I'd feel scolded too! I
mean, it's a reasonable request, and I'd still comply, but that
sort of tone would get my hackles up.[/quote]
This.
I find that a good thought-experiment in this kind of situation
is to ask oneself ‘In their shoes, if I had needed to convey
that message to them how would I have phrased it?’ Quite often I
find that I would have said it the same way, as near as makes no
difference, which tells me that I’m being over-sensitive.
And I don’t think her request was in itself unreasonable. Even
if the church’s bulletin didn’t specify anything about masks, in
a space that has been set aside for people who need to take
special care over social distancing, I can totally see them
being uncomfortable about sharing it with unmasked people.
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