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#Post#: 74674--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: Rho Date: April 3, 2022, 9:08 pm
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I guess I was +1 when I met my in-laws for the 1st time. Future
husband & I had been dating almost half a year when his brother
was married half way across the USA. Future husband was Best Man
and I attended wedding with him. Met his whole extended family.
My sister had a Date when she was Maid-of-Honor at my wedding
ten months after that. She was still recovering from breaking
up with a serious boyfriend and no way wouldn't our parents or I
let her bring 'Mr Blister'. Never heard from him after that
weekend.
#Post#: 74677--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: Hmmm Date: April 4, 2022, 9:40 am
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[quote author=bigbadbetty link=topic=2311.msg74670#msg74670
date=1649023801]
It has been interesting reading some of these threads about
having "strangers" at a wedding. In my family, it's normal to
invite the partner of a cousin....even if you haven't met their
partner. Sometimes, it is the way we meet the new partner. We
all don't live in the same city (state or country for that
matter) so weddings often serve a secondary purpose as a family
reunion. I gave everyone at my wedding a plus one if they were
single. No one took me up on it. However, I didn't want to
exclude a new relationship that I didn't know about.
I have also been the stranger at wedding. When I first met my
husband, we went to a wedding of two of his friends that I
hadn't met yet. They were excited to see my husband finally have
a girlfriend that they were happy to extend an invitation to me.
I have never seen a "stranger" misbehave at wedding, but I have
seen the sister of the groom and the best friend of a different
groom cause trouble.
[/quote]
I agree. We had a cousin's weekend recently. Five of our 6
husbands were introduced to the extended family at either a
wedding or engagement party for another couple. I had no qualms
about alerting my cousin to the fact that my DD was in a long
term relationship that we knew was leading to an engagement when
they were planning her son's wedding. So he wasn't a generic +1
on the invite but definitely a plus one.
#Post#: 74685--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: jpcher Date: April 4, 2022, 1:55 pm
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[quote author=bigbadbetty link=topic=2311.msg74670#msg74670
date=1649023801]
It has been interesting reading some of these threads about
having "strangers" at a wedding. In my family, it's normal to
invite the partner of a cousin....even if you haven't met their
partner. Sometimes, it is the way we meet the new partner. We
all don't live in the same city (state or country for that
matter) so weddings often serve a secondary purpose as a family
reunion. I gave everyone at my wedding a plus one if they were
single. No one took me up on it. However, I didn't want to
exclude a new relationship that I didn't know about.
I have also been the stranger at wedding. When I first met my
husband, we went to a wedding of two of his friends that I
hadn't met yet. They were excited to see my husband finally have
a girlfriend that they were happy to extend an invitation to me.
I have never seen a "stranger" misbehave at wedding, but I have
seen the sister of the groom and the best friend of a different
groom cause trouble.
[/quote]
Oh, yes, definitely invite a partner . . . someone
cousin/friend/whatever is in a long term relationship with. But
not a random date, if that makes sense.
Say you have a limited capacity at the venue of 100 people. 20
of your friends/family are single, non-exclusive dating. If you
offered each of the 20 a +1 that would cut your actual guest
list down to 80. Who do you cut? The +1s. Most of which you'll
probably never see again.
#Post#: 74687--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: Gellchom Date: April 4, 2022, 3:26 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2311.msg74677#msg74677
date=1649083208]
[quote author=bigbadbetty link=topic=2311.msg74670#msg74670
date=1649023801]
It has been interesting reading some of these threads about
having "strangers" at a wedding. In my family, it's normal to
invite the partner of a cousin....even if you haven't met their
partner. Sometimes, it is the way we meet the new partner. We
all don't live in the same city (state or country for that
matter) so weddings often serve a secondary purpose as a family
reunion. I gave everyone at my wedding a plus one if they were
single. No one took me up on it. However, I didn't want to
exclude a new relationship that I didn't know about.
I have also been the stranger at wedding. When I first met my
husband, we went to a wedding of two of his friends that I
hadn't met yet. They were excited to see my husband finally have
a girlfriend that they were happy to extend an invitation to me.
I have never seen a "stranger" misbehave at wedding, but I have
seen the sister of the groom and the best friend of a different
groom cause trouble.
[/quote]
I agree. We had a cousin's weekend recently. Five of our 6
husbands were introduced to the extended family at either a
wedding or engagement party for another couple. I had no qualms
about alerting my cousin to the fact that my DD was in a long
term relationship that we knew was leading to an engagement when
they were planning her son's wedding. So he wasn't a generic +1
on the invite but definitely a plus one.
[/quote]
I don’t think we are talking about the same thing. I completely
agree with both of these posts. I wouldn’t call Hmmm’s
daughter’s partner a “plus one” under those circumstances. You
(quite properly) alerted the hosts to the status of your
daughter’s relationship, and they then included the partner,
even if not formally. Your daughter couldn’t have just decided
to bring someone else.
I guess it comes down to whether you consider the term “plus 1”
to mean the same as “and guest.” (I do.)
Inviting people who are in at least fairly serious relationships
to bring their boy/girlfriends is not the same thing as inviting
all singles to bring dates, even if it ends up taking the form
not of another written invitation but something like “That’s
great! Yes, of course, tell Petunia to bring Robin. Great
chance to meet the family” in response to the call or email
telling them about the relationship.
The difference is especially vivid for family, for the reasons
big bad Betty and Hmmm describe. Asking to bring someone to a
family wedding, and agreeing to attend a family wedding with
someone, both are pretty major signals! That guest is going to
be spending time getting to know the family (and probably trying
to make a good impression :) ) and vice-versa. Not so with a
just-a-date.
#Post#: 74688--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: oogyda Date: April 4, 2022, 3:31 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=jpcher link=topic=2311.msg74685#msg74685
date=1649098541]
[quote author=bigbadbetty link=topic=2311.msg74670#msg74670
date=1649023801]
It has been interesting reading some of these threads about
having "strangers" at a wedding. In my family, it's normal to
invite the partner of a cousin....even if you haven't met their
partner. Sometimes, it is the way we meet the new partner. We
all don't live in the same city (state or country for that
matter) so weddings often serve a secondary purpose as a family
reunion. I gave everyone at my wedding a plus one if they were
single. No one took me up on it. However, I didn't want to
exclude a new relationship that I didn't know about.
I have also been the stranger at wedding. When I first met my
husband, we went to a wedding of two of his friends that I
hadn't met yet. They were excited to see my husband finally have
a girlfriend that they were happy to extend an invitation to me.
I have never seen a "stranger" misbehave at wedding, but I have
seen the sister of the groom and the best friend of a different
groom cause trouble.
[/quote]
Oh, yes, definitely invite a partner . . . someone
cousin/friend/whatever is in a long term relationship with. But
not a random date, if that makes sense.
Say you have a limited capacity at the venue of 100 people. 20
of your friends/family are single, non-exclusive dating. If you
offered each of the 20 a +1 that would cut your actual guest
list down to 80. Who do you cut? The +1s. Most of which you'll
probably never see again.
[/quote]
It's worse than that.
Capacity 100
Single friends/family -20
80
Single friends/family +1's -20
60
Okay....I see you said "actual guest list". I gues that
includes the single friends/family.
#Post#: 74692--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: NFPwife Date: April 4, 2022, 6:33 pm
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I agree with gellchom - there's a difference between an invitee
in a serious relationship who is bringing their romantic partner
and someone who needs to find a date for the wedding. If
constraints like space or budget require further scrutiny, it
could be argued that there's a difference between the romantic
partner of a family member and the romantic partner of a
co-worker or casual friend.
I was introduced to husband's family at a funeral visitation, I
would much rather it have been a wedding! We've met serious
romantic interests of family members at weddings and that's been
a sign that the couple is serious and headed to engagement or a
serious long-term relationship. I can't think of anyone we've
met at a wedding as a new romantic partner who didn't end up
grafted onto the family tree. (I include friends who are chosen
family in that category.)
#Post#: 74695--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: Gellchom Date: April 5, 2022, 3:47 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=2311.msg74692#msg74692
date=1649115203] If constraints like space or budget require
further scrutiny, it could be argued that there's a difference
between the romantic partner of a family member and the romantic
partner of a co-worker or casual friend.
[/quote]
I’ll go even farther. I would say it would be perfectly all
right to distinguish on this matter between family and others
even without an “excuse“ about space or money. There is a very
big difference between including people that might be becoming
part of the family in the future, or at any rate are the serious
partner of someone to whom lots of other guests are related and
would like to know because of that, and including all the
boy/girlfriends (except of course those of “social unit, must
invite” status) of friends or coworkers.
In my family’s experience, too, every time a relative has
requested permission to bring a romantic partner to a family
occasion, that person has ended up marrying into the family.
It’s pretty much understood that that is the whole point, sort
of announcing that this person might be entering the family
soon, so everyone should get to know each other, not just for
the invited relative to have an escort.
I think it is similar to situations in which people include
children to whom they are related but don’t invite all their
friends and coworkers to bring their children, too.
Many of us have a couple of people who are not technically
related to us but are such close friends that they feel and act
like part of the family, even the extended family, and often we
would invite them, too, to bring their romantic partners or
children. But that is just broadening the definition of “family”
for invitation purposes, not an exception to the principle, in
my view — you still don’t have to then let everyone bring dates
or children.
#Post#: 74706--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: Titanica Date: April 5, 2022, 4:01 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
These posts reminded me of something that happened when we were
planning our wedding.
My fiancé (now husband) had become pretty friendly with a group
of his coworkers and wanted to invite them, so we did and since
we knew some of them were single, we put "and guest" on the
invitations. Well, this one guy, "Gary", had a long-term
live-in GF, with whom he had 2 young kids (I think maybe ages 5
and 2). Gary had mentioned that they were going to have GF's
sister babysit so they could come to our wedding. So one day
after the invitations had gone out, Gary's GF stopped in at the
shop where they worked. (This was the first time my fiancé ever
met GF). After introductions, GF asks my fiancé "Can we bring
my sister to your wedding?"
DF was a bit confused, so he answered with, "Um . . . I'll talk
to Gary about it." Turned out, she was planning to bring her
sister AND THEIR KIDS - none of whom had been invited.
So, just imagine having not a plus 1, but a plus 4!
DF told Gary that we couldn't accommodate them. So we got the
RSVP card back saying they were not coming and she had written
on it "That is the weekend of our children's birthday party."
Uh, ok.
A year later, lo and behold my husband came home from work with
a kids' birthday party invitation for (you guessed it) Gary's
kids. I had to laugh, because inside she put the kids' names
and then, in parentheses, their ages. All I could think was, if
you have to tell us how old the kids are turning, then we
obviously don't know you well enough to be invited to the party.
(I believed it was an obvious gift grab).
I was soooooo tempted to write on it "That is the weekend of our
anniversary" and send it back with our regrets.
#Post#: 74720--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: lowspark Date: April 6, 2022, 11:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Titanica link=topic=2311.msg74706#msg74706
date=1649192476]
I was soooooo tempted to write on it "That is the weekend of our
anniversary" and send it back with our regrets.
[/quote]
Love that!
#Post#: 74958--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus 1s at weddings and "strangers"
By: NFPwife Date: April 18, 2022, 11:49 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Did anyone see the recent AITA on Reddit about this?
Basically, the bride and groom weren't inviting plus ones unless
they both knew the person, liked the person, and would hang out
with them after the wedding. Even if the couple was married.
Bride's cousin sent back an RSVP that he wasn't going to attend
because his fiancée wasn't invited. Bride talked to him about it
said, "You can be apart for a couple hours?" Cousin said, "I
can't believe you're asking me to celebrate your journey and
love story when you won't recognize mine." He said he could be
apart from fiancée, but he didn't want to be. Bride said, "Our
wedding our rules." He said, "I realize that. That's why I'm not
attending." Bride was upset that he wasn't going to follow her
rules and attend. She clearly didn't think that someone would
opt not to attend over her rules. She seemed to think her cousin
was being unreasonable.
It reminded me that I was a clear b-list invite to a former
co-worker's son's wedding; she said right out that regrets had
come in from the invitations and she was given some more guests
by her son. I was married. I said something like, "I'll have to
see if DH is scheduled to work," and she had to tell me to check
the inner envelope that the invitation was for just me because
her son hadn't given her that many invites. I handed it right
back to her.
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