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#Post#: 74230--------------------------------------------------
Swapping out the invited parent of a minor as wedding guest
By: Hmmm Date: March 11, 2022, 9:37 am
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In Miss Manners column, a MOB wrote in concerning a request made
by her SIL to the wedding. The bride has insisted on "only
relatives they know" and no "plus ones" which is fine.
The son of the SIL (the brides first cousin) was invited to the
wedding and his 6 year old daughter was invited as well. The
father of the child does not plan to attend. The SIL has
suggested that his ex wife (mother of the child) attend with the
child. The MOB implies the reasoning is to help her "wrangle"
the child.
MM suggested offering to hire someone to help with the child
which I think is a terrible idea. It would still be a stranger
at the wedding.
In this scenario, I'd be pushing my daughter to accept the ex
wife as the stand in parent. I'd rather have a parent there and
not rely on the dotting grandmother to keep the child well
behaved. I do think the most etiquette appropriate action is the
father to decline on behalf of both him and his daughter, but I
get that the grandmother is excited about her granddaughter
being in attendance at a family event.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2022/03/11
How would you handle?
#Post#: 74232--------------------------------------------------
Re: Swapping out the invited parent of a minor as wedding guest
By: lakey Date: March 11, 2022, 10:01 am
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I went to the link and read the letter. The SIL had already been
told "no", and asked a second time. I really don't like people
who are pushy like this. Also, if the guest list is so
restricted, I don't see why it is so necessary for the 7 year
old daughter of a cousin to attend. If grandma wants the child
to attend, grandma can take responsibility for her. Otherwise
the child doesn't need to attend. I don't think that the bride
needs to cave in to overbearing behavior.
#Post#: 74233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Swapping out the invited parent of a minor as wedding guest
By: Aleko Date: March 11, 2022, 10:19 am
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I entirely agree that a hired help is a complete no-no (unless
to make creche services available to any of the guests who have
brought children, and if there will be many of them that might
be an very welcome amenity). I can't think of a bigger snub than
saying to one's first cousin's ex, in essence "we'd rather have
a complete stranger at our wedding than see you there".
I appreciate that Bride may fear the thin end of the wedge, but
I don't think SIL's suggestion was in any way unreasonable.
Bride feels warmly enough toward her first cousin and his small
daughter to invite them both. Even if she and the child's mother
have never met, they are still quite closely related. And
Auntie's suggesting bringing her ex-DIL to help with the child
implies that they are on good terms and that the ex is involved
in the child's upbringing: so clearly the ex is going to
continue to be a member of the wider family, which means that
anyone who wants to maintain a relationship with the child in
the future should expect to get to know the child's mother too.
For an invited wedding guest to say 'I've just got engaged: may
I bring my fiance(e)?' has always been impeccably correct (even
though it adds to the numbers) on the grounds that this person,
although a stranger, is about to become part of the couple's
circle of family / friends. It's not clear why Bride has never
met the mother of her small cousin before, but I don't think
it's improper to suggest this: it seems like as good an occasion
as any to get introduced.
For anyone who hasn't seen this letter, here is one place that
isn't behind a paywall:
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2022/03/11
#Post#: 74234--------------------------------------------------
Re: Swapping out the invited parent of a minor as wedding guest
By: Hmmm Date: March 11, 2022, 10:23 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2301.msg74233#msg74233
date=1647015573]
I entirely agree that a hired help is a complete no-no (unless
to make creche services available to any of the guests who have
brought children, and if there will be many of them that might
be an very welcome amenity). I can't think of a bigger snub than
saying to one's first cousin's ex, in essence "we'd rather have
a complete stranger at our wedding than see you there".
I appreciate that Bride may fear the thin end of the wedge, but
I don't think SIL's suggestion was in any way unreasonable.
Bride feels warmly enough toward her first cousin and his small
daughter to invite them both. Even if she and the child's mother
have never met, they are still quite closely related. And
Auntie's suggesting bringing her ex-DIL to help with the child
implies that they are on good terms and that the ex is involved
in the child's upbringing: so clearly the ex is going to
continue to be a member of the wider family, which means that
anyone who wants to maintain a relationship with the child in
the future should expect to get to know the child's mother too.
For an invited wedding guest to say 'I've just got engaged: may
I bring my fiance(e)?' has always been impeccably correct (even
though it adds to the numbers) on the grounds that this person,
although a stranger, is about to become part of the couple's
circle of family / friends. It's not clear why Bride has never
met the mother of her small cousin before, but I don't think
it's improper to suggest this: it seems like as good an occasion
as any to get introduced.
For anyone who hasn't seen this letter, here is one place that
isn't behind a paywall:
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2022/03/11
[/quote]
Is that not the same URL that I posted above? Both take me to
the same landing screen. I've never encountered any uexpress
articles behind a pay wall.
#Post#: 74238--------------------------------------------------
Re: Swapping out the invited parent of a minor as wedding guest
By: lowspark Date: March 11, 2022, 3:40 pm
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I'd just tell SIL that the 7yo was invited to attend with her
father. If father can't come, then unfortunately that means that
the child should also stay home.
When my son got married several years ago, they wanted no kids
at the wedding. I had to tell my sister that her son was not
invited. Wasn't easy as she was already excited about bringing
him and had even gotten him excited about coming.
Sorry! But it's not my wedding. Whether I agree with their
choices or not, the couple gets to decide who's invited and
who's not. Ex-wife is not invited. Full stop.
#Post#: 74256--------------------------------------------------
Re: Swapping out the invited parent of a minor as wedding guest
By: TootsNYC Date: March 13, 2022, 1:28 pm
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[quote]I'd just tell SIL that the 7yo was invited to attend with
her father. If father can't come, then unfortunately that means
that the child should also stay home. [/quote]
This is the correct etiquette. The girl didn't receive an
invitation on her own. (This is why I believe children who are
wanted on their own, no matter which parent is available, should
receive a direct invitation.)
And...she's 7 years old. If Grandma can't wrangle her, then
she's not mature enough to attend the wedding (or Grandma is too
incompetent to be allowed to bring her along).
#Post#: 74286--------------------------------------------------
Re: Swapping out the invited parent of a minor as wedding guest
By: Gellchom Date: March 15, 2022, 4:59 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2301.msg74256#msg74256
date=1647196122]
[quote]I'd just tell SIL that the 7yo was invited to attend with
her father. If father can't come, then unfortunately that means
that the child should also stay home. [/quote]
This is the correct etiquette. The girl didn't receive an
invitation on her own. (This is why I believe children who are
wanted on their own, no matter which parent is available, should
receive a direct invitation.)
And...she's 7 years old. If Grandma can't wrangle her, then
she's not mature enough to attend the wedding (or Grandma is too
incompetent to be allowed to bring her along).
[/quote]
This, exactly.
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