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#Post#: 73345--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: Isisnin Date: January 27, 2022, 11:29 am
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You did right by yourself - and by her. Sometimes we so much
want to help someone that we focus more on what works for us
than what would actually be helpful to someone else. And the
person we're trying to support ends up supporting us since they
end up assuring us that they appreciated the thought. Hopefully
Daphne learns from this. Learning takes time though so please do
pull back from her.
But it sounds like the lunch wasn't ruined (the movie was and
that's on Daphne). The lunch didn't go as planned, but it was
worthwhile in that you both had a long (thoughtful) talk
together. You are a kind and generous person. Your expression
"not there yet in faith" is lovely.
Please know that you have our prayers, hugs, and thoughts. When
you need to talk, we are here for you.
{{guihong}}
#Post#: 73347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: Aleko Date: January 27, 2022, 11:51 am
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[quote]Mom has been informed of this and it has been reiterated
on numerous occasions. Her *supportive and encouraging* "I just
know he will beat this." (and similar) is not helpful and has
even been hurtful to the point where I have to get off the
phone. I'm choosing to believe her intentions were well meant,
but the timing and delivery are off. [/quote]
I'm sure it is 100% well meant, but I can imagine wanting to
scream every time she says it . . . I'm so sorry for your pain.
#Post#: 73348--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: TootsNYC Date: January 27, 2022, 12:57 pm
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I think you handled this very well.
I know you worry that the negative feedback you gave her might
have been ungrateful, but it was feedback she desperately
needed.
And feedback that she deserves to know--how will she navigate
the world with grace if she never finds out that she has been
disrespectful, harmful, clueless, etc.?
You shouldn't tell her those things specifically--it's not your
place to scold her.
Chastizing and scolding and lecturing are not the same as
feedback.
Accurate feedback is crucial; inaccurate feedback harms not just
the person who receives it, but the world in general.
The "she meant well" really only matters a little bit. She still
was disrespectful to your faith, to your preference in movie,
and to your feelings. And it doesn't help anyone when people who
offend are never allowed to realize that they did so. Feedback
matters.
When the person means well, there's an obligation to be
kind in giving feedback.
In fact, I think we have an obligation to say to people, "you
hurt my feelings" or "you nearly traumatized me with this
movie." These thoughtless actions hurt the relationship, even if
only a little bit, and I think people are entitled to know what
it was they did to damage that relationship. And sometimes why
it had the impact it did.
You have the skills, I think, to craft some sort of explanation
for Daphne that will be accurate feedback, if you need it. And
focusing on the "feedback" aspect of it, and on your reaction
and your future plans for support or distraction (focus on what
you want to move toward) rather than her actions (don't dwell on
what you want to move away from), might help.
Feel free to say, "It was just hard to see that movie. I'm
realizing what I need is [silly romantic
comedies/distraction/celebrity gossip/time with my closest
family/solitude/time in nature] instead."
instead of "you didn't even ask what my own faith is" or "I
didn't think I was going to be preached at" or "you asked me
which movie--and then ignored it, as though you knew better; why
didn't you think I'd know what I would most need?" (can you
tell I'm kind of mad on your behalf?)
(I was telling this story to my husband, and when I got to the
"instead of that movie, she had another one," he said, "Oh, no,
not Terms of Endearment!")
And all my sympathies to you! Such a hard, hard time.
#Post#: 73358--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: vintagegal Date: January 27, 2022, 7:42 pm
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[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2267.msg73343#msg73343
date=1643293369]
I get it from a point of view that has nothing to do with faith.
My DH has ongoing health issues. His current treatment plan
starts with the line "This is not a cure." The effort now is to
prolong his life as much as they can while maintaining a
reasonable quality of life.
Mom has been informed of this and it has been reiterated on
numerous occasions. Her *supportive and encouraging* "I just
know he will beat this." (and similar) is not helpful and has
even been hurtful to the point where I have to get off the
phone. I'm choosing to believe her intentions were well meant,
but the timing and delivery are off.
It seems to me you handled this very well and very graciously.
And it's okay to take a step or two away from the friendship.
[/quote]
I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through it with my
late husband, cancer. Unbelievable the kind of stupid remarks
people can come up with. And they are usually well meant. But
no, he is not going to try your alternative treatment, he is
sticking to what the oncologist tells him. And don't even get me
started on the "there's a cure for cancer but the doctors are
hiding it so they can make money off you" people.
#Post#: 73375--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: Hmmm Date: January 28, 2022, 11:20 am
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Hugs.... I am so sorry for you and your family.
I agree you handled it well. I don't think I could have been so
considerate of her choice of movies. Even if it wasn't a faith
based message, I would probably have ask her to turn in off in
the first 5 minutes explaining that I had thought I was there to
watch something light hearted, not something depressing. And
then suggest we switch to playing a game of cards or watching
reruns.
#Post#: 73399--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: January 28, 2022, 9:43 pm
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Guihong, firstly, I am so sorry for what you and your family are
going through.
Secondly - oh my freaking goodness, what in the world was Daphne
thinking, in showing you that movie? Her presumption and
cluelessness are staggering! I feel angry on your behalf just
reading this!
And yeah, I know some (including Daphne herself!) might argue
that they "meant well". But there's a saying about a road paved
with good intentions, and where it leads...
Anyway, I think you would have been perfectly find in telling
Daphne early into the movie, that you're not enjoying it, and
you'd prefer to watch something fun and distracting. Or I
wouldn't have blamed you for simply leaving.
#Post#: 73415--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: Winterlight Date: January 29, 2022, 6:21 pm
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[quote author=vintagegal link=topic=2267.msg73358#msg73358
date=1643334124]
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2267.msg73343#msg73343
date=1643293369]
I get it from a point of view that has nothing to do with faith.
My DH has ongoing health issues. His current treatment plan
starts with the line "This is not a cure." The effort now is to
prolong his life as much as they can while maintaining a
reasonable quality of life.
Mom has been informed of this and it has been reiterated on
numerous occasions. Her *supportive and encouraging* "I just
know he will beat this." (and similar) is not helpful and has
even been hurtful to the point where I have to get off the
phone. I'm choosing to believe her intentions were well meant,
but the timing and delivery are off.
It seems to me you handled this very well and very graciously.
And it's okay to take a step or two away from the friendship.
[/quote]
I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through it with my
late husband, cancer. Unbelievable the kind of stupid remarks
people can come up with. And they are usually well meant. But
no, he is not going to try your alternative treatment, he is
sticking to what the oncologist tells him. And don't even get me
started on the "there's a cure for cancer but the doctors are
hiding it so they can make money off you" people.
[/quote]
My late mother got some of that too when she was diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer. It seems like people want to "fix" the
problem, but their efforts just make those of us dealing with it
feel worse.
OP, you handled this better than I did. I'd have thrown up on
the spot, between her pushing a faith I do not subscribe to and
this horrible movie.
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