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#Post#: 73292--------------------------------------------------
Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: AnnNottingham Date: January 25, 2022, 9:43 pm
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Hi, all:
For background, although it's a long story, the relevant fact is
that my DD23 is dying of a brain disease and is weakening.
Let's just say DH and I are in a bad place (though still good in
our marriage).
A friend and coworker "Daphne" invited me to her apartment for
lunch, and asked what my favorite movie was. We set a time, and
I thought it would be a good distraction. We have spent much
time together outside of work and get on well. I picked up
Subway and went on over.
The movie she had picked out wasn't the one I'd mentioned, but
one she couldn't stop crowing over, saying I'd love it, it's
beautiful, etc. etc. It was about a man spiraling into an
emotional and spiritual crisis, and his family coming apart,
after the youngest daughter is abducted and murdered. The
father receives a summons back to the cabin where some of the
daughter's blood and her clothes were found, and there he spends
a weekend with the Holy Trinity and somehow irons out his anger
and grief. Of course all is wrapped up neatly by the end.
As the movie played, with "ooh, isn't that lovely" from Daphne,
I in turn became fixated on my sandwich and anything else so as
not to run out of the apartment screaming.
About halfway through, I asked Daphne, "I just want to ask you
something. Did you pick out that movie on purpose?"
She said yes! :o. "I know you're in a bad time, and I was
trying to give you hope and cheer. My faith got me through
tragedy, and I had thought it would be the same for you".
She apologized left and right, even crying a bit, and shut off
the movie. I tried to explain that I know she meant well, but I
was not there yet in faith and might not ever be (it's not my
interpretation of God, but that's not relevant here). We had a
long talk, and the afternoon finished OK. I did tell her that
this wouldn't hurt our work friendship, as I know it wasn't
malicious. Nevertheless, I was still jarred and very upset and
DH was so horrified at the cluelessness that he didn't know
whether to laugh or cry. I think I'm going to pull back from
seeing so much of Daphne besides at work, as I emotionally can't
take any more well-meaning gestures.
I feel vaguely guilty, like I should have liked the movie and
had gratitude for it, and that I ruined the lunch. Or is this
something in which I did right by myself?
ETA: Daphne did know what was happening to DD. I thought that
question would come up.
#Post#: 73294--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: EtiquetteE Date: January 25, 2022, 10:48 pm
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First off, I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going
through. Virtual hugs.
That said, I'm sure she meant well. It's sometimes hard to know
how/what comfort to offer for friends/family handling tragedy.
That said, I think that right now, you and DH and your family
need to do what's best for you individually as you go through
this. If that means pulling away and surrounding yourselves
with those that give you comfort, I think that's reasonable.
If your friend asks or notices that you have pulled back, you
could just tell her, you are focusing on family. Full stop, no
other explanation needed.
#Post#: 73295--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: Judecat Date: January 25, 2022, 11:02 pm
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In my family, there are a number of people who try to foist
their religious beliefs on you, under the guise of "helping" or
"cheering up", and who end up making matters worse in the end.
Sounds like Daphnie has already caused you more stress, because
you are now questioning how you "should have reacted", now you
are feeling guilty and that you ruined lunch. IMO you didn't
ruin anything, Daphnie ruined whatever off work friendship may
have been forming.
#Post#: 73297--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: Aleko Date: January 26, 2022, 3:57 am
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No, in the name of all that’s holy, you have NOTHING to be
guilty about! Whichever way you slice it, Daphne’s behaviour was
absolutely inexcusable. She promised you a laid-back time with
your favourite movie, then when you arrived presented you with a
quite different movie. That in itself was just plain rude: it’s
never acceptable to deliberately bait-and-switch a guest. But
inflicting on a person undergoing all the grief of
pre-bereavement a “harrowing-but-uplifting” drama that she had
taken it on herself to decide would be therapeutic for them?
“Meaning well” doesn’t come near to covering the sheer
impertinence and cruelty of that: she’s your colleague, not your
therapist. (And that’s even before considering the religious
propaganda aspect of what she did.)
In your place I would have walked out saying ‘This is horrible.
I can’t bear any more. I can’t imagine how you could inflict
this on me.’ I wouldn’t have made any excuses for myself, nor
said anything to Daphne that might make her feel she had any
shred of justification for doing what she did: she needs to hear
how utterly wrong and insensitive her action was.
And yes, absolutely distance yourself from Daphne. Even if she
has learnt from this not to inflict religious therapy on people
unasked, you still don’t need anybody so insensitive and so
overstepping in your life. Especially not now.
#Post#: 73299--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: lowspark Date: January 26, 2022, 7:49 am
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Yup. Bait-n-switch is exactly what popped into my mind.
What she COULD have done was have the movie you expected and
this other movie on hand, and then given you the choice. Then if
you felt you were ready to handle Movie B, fine. If not, then
watch Movie A as planned.
It's fine for us to try to help a friend but not ok for us to
foist our perceptions and experiences on them. Everyone handles
adversity differently. For her to say, I'm going to assume that
what healed me will heal you, particularly when it involves
something as extremely personal as faith, is remarkably
presumptuous and callous.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
#Post#: 73300--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: BeagleMommy Date: January 26, 2022, 8:53 am
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You have no reason to feel guilty. Daphne should not have
promised a movie you loved then switched it with something she
felt would help you. What works for one person may not work for
someone else. It's fine that Daphne is secure in her faith.
Not everyone is that secure and not everyone wants faith-based
"help".
#Post#: 73304--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: Lilipons Date: January 26, 2022, 9:59 am
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First of all, hugs and good wishes for what your family is going
through.
People who claim their “faith” saw them through hard times and
will see you through because they have a “personal”
relationship with god, forget that not everyone has identical
faith. We were created as individuals and our relationship with
the deity will reflect our differences.
#Post#: 73305--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: lakey Date: January 26, 2022, 10:17 am
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Your friend meant well, but she screwed up. It happens. You
handled it very well, without anger. Situations like this occur
where there is misunderstanding and awkwardness. You have enough
on your plate, without worrying about this. She'll get over it.
#Post#: 73306--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: NFPwife Date: January 26, 2022, 11:03 am
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Oh my gosh, the same thing, with the same movie, happened to a
friend of mine. Friend was in active treatment for cancer and
having a crisis of faith. Her "well meaning" friend took her to
the movies to see it.
You handled this so well. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
Your friend was out of line and this was definitely a bait and
switch.
Sending you hugs and warm thoughts.
#Post#: 73307--------------------------------------------------
Re: Friend tried to cheer me up-did I do OK?
By: sandisadie Date: January 26, 2022, 11:03 am
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All good thoughts to you and your family. Of course you did
nothing wrong! Sounds like you handled this situation better
then a lot of people would have. I just hope that your friend
learned something from this.
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