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#Post#: 72673--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: Jem Date: December 27, 2021, 4:25 pm
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[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=2239.msg72664#msg72664
date=1640630889]
How'd Christmas turn out?
[/quote]
It was good! No one brought anyone extra to any of the events,
and no one brought any pets either!
#Post#: 72681--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: Aleko Date: December 28, 2021, 3:49 am
---------------------------------------------------------
My only thought re #2 is that, as Lula says, the uninvited girl
wasn’t to blame for any of this. And as she had helped to
bake the cookies, it would have been a real slap in the face to
send her home without any while Niece was given a bagful.
Although of course Sister was totally in the wrong for sticking
OP with an uninvited guest, a guest she now was - and the law of
hospitality states that a guest must be treated well, even if
that means the hosts and/or their children go without*. So,
paradoxically, Sister was actually right to insist on her being
given an equal share. I wonder also if what OP read as
Sister’s ‘making the experience focused on
her’ was actually an attempt to counteract something
understandably chilly in OP’s reception of this child, and
make her feel wanted?
*My parents had a code signal ‘FHB’, meaning
‘Family Hold Back’, for when we had unexpected
guests and there might not be enough to go round. Even when we
were quite small, if one of them hissed ‘FHB’ at us
beforehand, we knew not to dip into the snack bowls or ask for
second helpings. It was a matter of honour; we knew that we too
were obligated to uphold our family’s standards. Even if
nobody actually liked these people very much.
Edited to add:
[quote]This girl is from an affluent family (so it wasn't a
situation of helping out the needy or something)[/quote]
But that doesn’t really follow, does it? Having an
affluent family doesn’t in any way protect a child from
being sad, or lonely, or neglected. Sister might have had reason
to know that she was one or more of those things. I’m not
defending her for bringing her without asking OP, but it might
well have been charitably intended.
#Post#: 72690--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: sandisadie Date: December 28, 2021, 10:12 am
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I've been that clueless person who turns up uninvited somewhere
because someone brought me. I've also had an uninvited person
(and pets) turn up at my house. I think when any of that
happens then you just have to tread carefully and stay calm.
However, after the fact I've confronted the person who caused
this and told them "don't ever do this again". Make it clear
that you are angry with them and expect this not to happen
again. Hopefully, they will have learned something useful.
#Post#: 72695--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: Jem Date: December 28, 2021, 1:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2239.msg72681#msg72681
date=1640684971]
My only thought re #2 is that, as Lula says, the uninvited girl
wasn’t to blame for any of this. And as she had helped to bake
the cookies, it would have been a real slap in the face to send
her home without any while Niece was given a bagful. Although of
course Sister was totally in the wrong for sticking OP with an
uninvited guest, a guest she now was - and the law of
hospitality states that a guest must be treated well, even if
that means the hosts and/or their children go without*. So,
paradoxically, Sister was actually right to insist on her being
given an equal share. I wonder also if what OP read as Sister’s
‘making the experience focused on her’ was actually an attempt
to counteract something understandably chilly in OP’s reception
of this child, and make her feel wanted?
*My parents had a code signal ‘FHB’, meaning ‘Family Hold Back’,
for when we had unexpected guests and there might not be enough
to go round. Even when we were quite small, if one of them
hissed ‘FHB’ at us beforehand, we knew not to dip into the snack
bowls or ask for second helpings. It was a matter of honour; we
knew that we too were obligated to uphold our family’s
standards. Even if nobody actually liked these people very much.
Edited to add:
[quote]This girl is from an affluent family (so it wasn't a
situation of helping out the needy or something)[/quote]
But that doesn’t really follow, does it? Having an affluent
family doesn’t in any way protect a child from being sad, or
lonely, or neglected. Sister might have had reason to know that
she was one or more of those things. I’m not defending her for
bringing her without asking OP, but it might well have been
charitably intended.
[/quote]
I actually do know this child and know her entire family.
Believe me, she is in no way neglected or unhappy. She has
siblings that were at home with their parents while we were
baking cookies. As to the green, I like this child but frankly
she was NOT wanted at this event. I had planned a family event
and she is not family. I didn't want to hear about what this
child was up to or make her feel at home. I wanted to bond with
my family. And the presence of this child meant that my child
was neglected in her own home.
#Post#: 72702--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: caroled Date: December 28, 2021, 8:03 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=2239.msg72695#msg72695
date=1640720286]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2239.msg72681#msg72681
date=1640684971]
frankly she was NOT wanted at this event. I had planned a
family event and she is not family. I didn't want to hear about
what this child was up to or make her feel at home. I wanted to
bond with my family. And the presence of this child meant that
my child was neglected in her own home.
[/quote]
this is exactly what you need to tell your sister.
#Post#: 73054--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: jazzgirl205 Date: January 15, 2022, 6:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=2239.msg72695#msg72695
date=1640720286]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2239.msg72681#msg72681
date=1640684971]
My only thought re #2 is that, as Lula says, the uninvited girl
wasn’t to blame for any of this. And as she had helped to bake
the cookies, it would have been a real slap in the face to send
her home without any while Niece was given a bagful. Although of
course Sister was totally in the wrong for sticking OP with an
uninvited guest, a guest she now was - and the law of
hospitality states that a guest must be treated well, even if
that means the hosts and/or their children go without*. So,
paradoxically, Sister was actually right to insist on her being
given an equal share. I wonder also if what OP read as Sister’s
‘making the experience focused on her’ was actually an attempt
to counteract something understandably chilly in OP’s reception
of this child, and make her feel wanted?
*My parents had a code signal ‘FHB’, meaning ‘Family Hold Back’,
for when we had unexpected guests and there might not be enough
to go round. Even when we were quite small, if one of them
hissed ‘FHB’ at us beforehand, we knew not to dip into the snack
bowls or ask for second helpings. It was a matter of honour; we
knew that we too were obligated to uphold our family’s
standards. Even if nobody actually liked these people very much.
Edited to add:
[quote]This girl is from an affluent family (so it wasn't a
situation of helping out the needy or something)[/quote]
But that doesn’t really follow, does it? Having an affluent
family doesn’t in any way protect a child from being sad, or
lonely, or neglected. Sister might have had reason to know that
she was one or more of those things. I’m not defending her for
bringing her without asking OP, but it might well have been
charitably intended.
[/quote]
[/quote]
I actually do know this child and know her entire family.
Believe me, she is in no way neglected or unhappy. She has
siblings that were at home with their parents while we were
baking cookies. As to the green, I like this child but frankly
she was NOT wanted at this event. I had planned a family event
and she is not family. I didn't want to hear about what this
child was up to or make her feel at home. I wanted to bond with
my family. And the presence of this child meant that my child
was neglected in her own home.
[/quote]
I suspect you made your feelings quite clear. I doubt it will
happen again.
#Post#: 73069--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: katiekat2009 Date: January 17, 2022, 3:44 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Your "beef" (complaint) is with your sister, not the child.
Please don't begrudge the visiting child a bit of pleasure. I
would be up to you, the host, to see that everyone's needs were
met. Honestly, sounds like a case of jealously to me.
#Post#: 73071--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: chigger Date: January 17, 2022, 4:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't see where Jem did or said anything wrong! She was just
displeased that her sister brought someone that was not invited,
and it changed the dynamic of the event. The event was supposed
to be "family baking time", making memories, so to speak.
Bringing a neighbor of the nieces made it so OP's daughter felt
excluded, because nieces were too busy with their friend to pay
attention to the cousin. I also don't think OP is wrong for
being put out that the uninvited guest got an equal share of the
cookies made. OP paid for everything, child was not invited by
Hostess. Sure, I'd give her a dozen, but that's it.
#Post#: 73072--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: Wanaca Date: January 17, 2022, 4:52 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Like a lot of people, I feel sorry for the girl. I'm sure that
she knew that she was NOT wanted and that the host didn't want
to make her feel at home. Maybe that's why Sister tried to
focus on her. Sister was obviously wrong, but an innocent girl
paid the price. Just because someone comes from an affluent
family with a good home life doesn't mean that they don't have
feelings that can be hurt.
#Post#: 73074--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: NFPwife Date: January 17, 2022, 8:47 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Wanaca link=topic=2239.msg73072#msg73072
date=1642459929]
Like a lot of people, I feel sorry for the girl. I'm sure that
she knew that she was NOT wanted and that the host didn't want
to make her feel at home. Maybe that's why Sister tried to
focus on her. Sister was obviously wrong, but an innocent girl
paid the price. Just because someone comes from an affluent
family with a good home life doesn't mean that they don't have
feelings that can be hurt.
[/quote]
Eh... I wouldn't make that assumption. Personally, I've been
accommodating and engaging in any number of situations while
secretly being quite angry. I can compartmentalize in the moment
and I don't see anything that tells me Jem can't.
I said upthread that my DH and I have been put in these
situations many times and the most recent one we had a very
lovely time with the extra guests - one was a great storyteller,
I laughed till my side hurt. That doesn't mean I didn't complain
about our friend changing the event on the drive home. While I
leaned into the situation and made the best of the evening, I
didn't appreciate having extra guests sprung on us at the very
last minute (I had to have the restaurant change our table to
accommodate them because the first we heard they were coming was
when friend walked into the restaurant with them.)
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